In the winter of 2007, there was a land of great prosperity, a place where millions of dollars were made and the freshest coffee of all the land flowed like wine from magical mountains. There was a place where one could retreat from the hustle and bustle of everyday life and refresh their bodies, reflect with their minds and rejuvenate their souls.
Sure, this was just an office break room but to some individuals it was so much more. This was a place where a man could construct a breakfast out of the previously described nectar of the coffee gods along side a hearty wheat based salty meal product which the natives called "pretzel rods". Fascinating stuff. This was a place where men and women discussed their well made plans for the weekends, a location where people brought together the elements of water, fire and the microwave to heat up their lunches and feast upon the bounty of Lean Cuisines and Hot Pockets. A place like this was truly sacred.
All was well, all was merry, everyday was a holiday...until one day...fate placed its hand upon the most sacred of artifacts to be found in this treasure cove: the vending machine.
WILL THEY EVER REMOVE THE DORITOS FROM THE VENDING MACHINE? WILL EVERYONE DRINK SO MUCH COFFEE THAT THEY GO COMPLETELY CRAZY? WHAT'S THE DEAL WITH EATING PRETZEL RODS FOR BREAKFAST?
STAY TUNED FOR EPISODE 2 OF: THE HUNT FOR RED BAG OF DORITOS
There has been a delay in our posts lately due to Thanksgiving related Beast Mode, also due to a massive amount of domination and disrespect throughout the land. Soon you will hear the tale of how the ninjas saved Thanksgiving, the never ending battle against the Hippies, how Guitar Hero destroyed one pirate's personal life and several other totally intense awesomeness-laden posts in what has already been nominated Most Dominant and Totally Awesome Website of 2007.
Thank you for your ongoing support. For those of you who have never visited this site, I suggest you start at the beginning. Read the earliest post and find out how 200% Awesome came to existence. Oh yes, there are many theories as to how this all took place, but in actuality there is only one. Well okay, there's pretty much two ways of how this ish went down.
Let's say you were the CEO of a multinational organization, you are big time, I mean big pimpin' spendin' G's, you would have a right hand man, nay you would have two minions like the bad guy in Princess Bride, NAY, you would have 3 minions to do your bidding, and you would need to make sure that you had a well-rounded staff, 3 minions to really get it all done for you and your multinational corporation.
We invite all of you to play, please invite all of your friends to play, tell them to invite all of their friends to play, quite frankly everybody needs to go on this website and tell us who your 3 minions would be.
One suggestion: Get some eye candy, some brawn, some brains.
But you can set this thing up however you want...leave comments on this blog and maybe we'll set up a site in the future featuring all of the best minion collections. After all, what is a CEO of a multinational corporation, or an actor, or a rock star, a rapper, anybody who's anybody, without their entourage?
My crazy pirate friend is working on an excellent article pertaining to Beast Mode (which I am awaiting with anticipation) but in the mean time, I thought it would be appropriate to post a picture of a surly pirate doing a jig in New York City next to a homeless saxaphone player. I can't think of a more suitable picture that fully encompasses everything about Pirates, and the art of Piracy. Enjoy.
Please note that we have added some awesome new multimedia on this site. Be advised that we used state of the art technology and techniques, as well as loads of time to create these masterpieces. They are awesome. And they show how we view the world, which is to say, it's like looking through the eyes of a mentally unstable person.
So please enjoy, and feel free to comment. We cherish compliments, insults, and requests. Our aim is to give the people what they want, and the people want awesome stuff. That's what we provide.
Ok, so this idea of merchandising is excellent. I nominate myself to contribute some artwork to this cause. I don't want to pat myself on the back or anything, but I would say my artistic skills are stellar. Check out this masterpiece entitled "Eric vs. the Radioactive Panther" (and it didn't take me 45 minutes, it took me like 30, most of which was spent doing the detail of the flame on the burning tire).
So we've begun to realize that 200% Awesome is sweeping the nation. After the Blogger website took flight, we have settled into Facebook due to the erection of a group by the fans, for the fans, of 200% Awesome. This Facebook group is the greatest erection that has ever been erected. Shortly after that, 200% Awesome became a multimedia giant by showing the Internet world the power of music videos, photos and rumors became spread that 200% Awesome would soon be producing original music and videos. All the fans wait in anticipation for these soon to be erected productions. 200% Awesome, like any other business, needs to seize the moment and create merchandise for the fans, because let's face it: people love merchandise.
We at 200% Awesome need your help deciding what types of products that the world needs. Does the world need T-shirts? Perhaps some stickers would be nifty. Before we produce the DVD and the interactive 200% Awesome video game, we need to get some more funds. Here are some ideas for T-shirts, stickers, underwear and everything else we can market to you fine individuals:
I don't know what other logos we will have besides the Awesometer, and this thing that "Ninja Master" has been drawing for like 45 minutes at his desk, something to do with a dude spraying mace in the eyes of a radioactive panther...I like it, maybe Ninja Master will post the "artwork". Alright cats, thanks for reading, leave some comments and we'll have lots more crazy stuff coming at you in no time flat.
DO NOT READ THIS STORY IF YOU CAN NOT ACCESS YOUTUBE VIDEOS. WAIT UNTIL YOU HAVE ACCESS TO THE VIDEOS BEFORE READING THIS STORY. THANK YOU.
Warning: This Blog Contains Awesome Music Videos Which May Explode Your Face
One incredibly rambunctious day there was a pirate who worked harder than any other pirate on any other day in the history of pirates. This is the story of that pirate and that hard working day. This is the story of how ninjas try to ruin a perfectly good pirate party. This is a story that should be made into a movie solely because of its soundtrack. And its special effects. And its heartfelt drama. And its totally sick action scenes. This movie would be so sick that it would top the box office charts, win a crap load of awards and stuff, plus you would be able to get a toy from the movie with a purchase of a Kids Meal at Burger King. And not like a lame toy either but one of the really cool ones, maybe even a DVD or like an MP3 player or something, at the very least it would be a really awesome action figure, but not a lame action figure but one that did something cool, not just stand there and do nothing. Those are the kinds of kids meal toys that end up at yard sales, this movie would produce collectible kids meal toys.
PART 1:
So this pirate was working his booty off just to make enough loot to pay for his grub and pay for his rent. As you probably know, pirates love to party a lot more than they like to work. At the end of a long day at work, a pirate likes to enjoy a pint of ale or possibly just sit out on the deck and enjoy some sun. On this particular day, the pirate was incredibly stressed out. He got into his car and turned on the radio. This wonderful song came on the radio:
This was incredible. Suddenly the pirate was an extreme state of relaxation. He wasn't completely sure of what the reggae man was saying, but he did know it had something to do with something coming back around. One can only assume that he was referring to the pumpkin muffin, currently available at Dunkin' Donuts. I bet that would taste really good with a Maple Cheddar Breakfast Sandwich. Oh wait, they don't have those anymore, my mistake. This story is not about how awesome that sandwich used to be and how heartbroken all the ninjas are now that they are no longer available. Go wait in line at McDonalds for a McGriddle you McLosers. Yes, that was incredible.
So all the pirates got together to wait for the football game to come on. What better thing to do than order a couple of pizzas and listen to some choice reggae music on the local radio station, Emerson College Radio 88.9 WERS. I mean, wow, what a radio station. Seven o'clock rolls around, oh wait, it's definitely reggae time. After that incredible Collie Buddz song came on, the pirates started to get worried. "What we be listenin' to when the commercial break be on", asked one drunken pirate moron. "Aye, the reggae be the only music for me, it reminds me of when we crash our pirate ships on some island and they are playing music and all the ladies be shaking their booties, yarrr". "Yarr, I also love old school hip-hop". "Aye, that's kind of a stretch, but partial credit", commented the pirate leader, the one and only Surly Blondbeard. "Yeah that has nothing to do with this story", added me, the narrator.
All of a sudden, the radio changes stations! "Yarr, who have the remote"?
After watching this video, you'll know that this work had nothing to do with pirates, most of which don't even know how to work a remote for a radio or CD player, let alone locate such a remote unless it was buried deep in the ocean blue or at the very least, located on some type of treasure map with the X marks the spot. This was the work of a band of ninja dance club masters, a band of ninja dance club masters so sinister that they would interrupt a perfectly good reggae pirate party in favor of some 17 year old kid dancing around like a nincompoop.
Note: As I write this, I just want to say that I haven't actually watched these videos. Chris Brown might be the greatest dancer the world has ever seen, I certainly hope he is. Regardless, this story must continue to be told, primarily because it is 100% true. And 200% awesome.
PART 2:
"We think that reggae is okay but it is terrible to dance to", said the lead ninja.
"What are you talking about landlubber, I'm dancing right now!!", a pirate responded.
"Perhaps you are not dancing but just swaying back and forth because you are on land right now and you are used to being on a ship which sways back and forth because the ship is on the sea and when you're on the ocean you get used to the swaying back and forth so it's not actually dancing that you're doing but you're actually just trying to keep your balance even though the floor isn't actually moving but you're just so used to the floor moving because the floor is actually on the ocean which has an abundance of waves and other moving activity", the ninja replied.
"Or perhaps I be drunk, smarty pants".
One of the ninjas just stood there drinking grape soda and eating Lays Classic potato chips.
"LADS, JUST PUT THE CURSED REGGAE BACK ON, IT WILL RELAX THIS BAND OF ANGRY NINJA DANCE MASTER KARATE LANDLUBBERS AND WE SHALL ENJOY THE SMOOTH RELAXING SOUNDS OF CARIBBEAN MUSIC ONCE AGAIN!", Surly Blondbeard exalted.
One pirate who was near the stereo punched the entire entertainment center and somehow, most likely related to Davey Jones' Locker, a giant TV shot out of the whole thing and this video came on, shocking the ninjas out of the pirate hang out for good: You gotta see this nonsense.
Holy ****....mmkay?
Part 3:
A thunderous roar emits from outside. It sounds like something has caused the greatest most powerful earthquake. The ground trembles below the pirate shack hangout and swords and skulls crash to the ground with all of the other ancient pirate memorabilia that the pirates have collected, stolen and ordered from Home Shopping Network over the years. A giant box filled with a 38 piece set of authentic pirate scimitars, rapiers and battle axes falls to the floor with a CLANG! So much cheap metal clanging against each other is like cat claws scraping against a chalkboard to the somewhat hard of hearing pirate gang. Windows begin breaking and doors begin shaking and the floor is earthquaking and the chicken pot pie in the oven keeps baking. Pirates make a pretty amazing chicken pot pie. Surprised you didn't know that.
A blinding light shines throughout the sky and something glows from underground. Someone knocks on the door. RAP RAP RAP on the front door. "Who ye be?!?!" cries the pirate who just lost control of himself. "Who...ye....be...?!?!".
RAP.
RAP.
RAP.
On the front door. "Tell me this instant, who ye be". The pirates hear a soft clicking and clacking, clicking and clacking, clicking and clacking from outside the front door. "WHO YE BE! WHO CAN IT BE?!?!"
RAP.
RAP.
Click clack click. Click clack click.
Click.
Clack.
"WE MUST PROTECT THIS HOUSE!", yelled the pirates in unison.
Click clack click. Click clack click.
WHAT YOU ARE ABOUT TO HEAR WILL CHANGE YOUR LIFE FOREVER. CLOSE THIS TALE NOW IF YOU CAN NOT LIVE WITH THIS FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. IF YOU CHOOSE TO PROCEED, WATCH THE VIDEO BEFORE YOU.
-He was born in outer space, and inherited some super powers from an alien lifeform that made him the greatest entertainer of all time.
-His albums didn't sell well here on Earth, but his album titled "Ken: by request only" has sold more times than any other album in the galaxy. He is a legend among far more intelligent alien beings.
- His music has helped spread intergalactic peace everywhere.
-He could stop global warming if he wanted to, but he really enjoys warm weather.
-Ken's album cover (pictured on this site) was named the worst album cover of all time, which is ironic because that determination was made on opposite day, making it the GREATEST album cover of all time for the greatest album of all time.
-Ken's helmet hair is stronger than steel. It is also the most fire resistant material ever found. The government wanted a piece of it to study it, but Ken wouldn't allow it, instead he dropkicked a bunch of people until everyone left him alone.
-Ken currently resides somewhere in Iowa. This is because no one really lives in Iowa, and Ken is such a phenomenal superstar, he must keep a low profile.
-If you ever stared Ken in the eyes, you would probably grow sideburns and a mustache. Or just die. But Ken doesn't look anyone in the eyes, even himself.
-Ken owns the largest collection of combs in the galaxy.
-He shares a lot in common with Superman, except Ken's superhero suit is made of polyester and looks way more sweet.
-If you play his music backwards, Ken will haunt your dreams forever.
Log - A book where all you pirates can write about your daily adventures. Don't forget to include dates, times and places. Oh yes, and NAMES!
(From "A Real Pirate Dictionary For Real Pirates")
"My story" by Surly Blondbeard
On a day like today, I be rather thankful that we pirates have these "Interwebs" to keep our logs of our daily adventures. I have been on many daring adventures lately, including a journey to New Hampshire and a riveting game of kickball. In addition, I had graced with my pirate presence a little something called the Sam Adams Beer Summit. Once I found out that there was a castle in Boston chock full of bountiful treasures such as grog and booty, I could not possibly resist.
However, I will not be writing about these tales today. In fact, I will most likely not remember any of them. Today I write about Talk Like A Pirate Day. Or maybe about buried treasure. Or maybe I'll begin writing me memoirs. Pirates always have the best memoirs. I mean, have you ever read a memoir written by a ninja? Exactly.
One time, a ninja read to me a story he wrote. It was a ghost story about a big bad ghost that haunted his dojo. The dojo landlord told all the ninjas that it was an ominous presence in the dojo that wanted the ninjas to train harder and sacrifice more of their monthly income for the dojo and the ghost master that haunted the ninjas from within the dojo walls. It was the bloody heater making that racket. For lack of a better term, ninjas are a bunch of ******s.
Anyways, I was going to write about Talk Like a Pirate Day. Can you believe that the Saints lost to the Buccaneers? I certainly can. They have a matey on that team named Cadillac. I don't know what that be, but it sounds like it's worth a lot of loot! I like the Buccaneers because they have no manners and they would be a fine crew for a pirate ship. And how about them Pirates? Yarrr, tis a terrible baseball club.
Talk Like A Pirate Day, right. What's the deal with OJ Simpson? Did someone really steal his sh*t? Don't blame the pirates on this one, matey. We was simply working our day jobs whilst those robberies took place. Why would pirates decide to plunder the memorabilia of your crazy arse anyways? Kind of like the time I stole that autograph of Walter Payton, or the time me and my fellow scallywags thrifted a giant Coffee Coolatta sign from Dunkin Donuts (which at the time, the pirates did not own).
Let me also take this opportunity to write about one of the finest swashbucklers around. His name is Surly Blondbeard. What a handsome lad! Yar, tis I. Ladies all around, I be here. I can grill a mean steak, as I did learn from the Buccaneers when they landed in the Caribbean and learned to cook steaks, a skill they translated into a pirate invention known as the "tailgate party". For you history buffs out there, the term tailgate party comes directly from pirate ships of yore.
Aye, t'isnt true. I made it all up. But I can still grill a mean steak. I don't remember what I was supposed to write about here, something special going on today but I simply cannot recall. Maybe it's the grog talking, but this log seems to be getting rather full. I shant write anymore, however this evening I might need to sing some sea shantys and go find some ninjas to make them walk the plank.
I hope to read some more stories from those landlubbin ninjas later on. If I remember any of my other stories, I will write them in the log for another day. In the meantime, please tell your fellow pirates (and even ninjas) on this day to read these stories and wish everyone a happy...now what the hell was today again? YARRR!!!
This story is awesome. It is a story about a story an awesome ninja master, who no one knows his name. Legend has it that he killed a total of eleventy billion pirates in his lifetime, and that's a conservative estimate. By the age of 0 he did his first dropkick, which instantly killed his parents and made him an orphan. He decided right then and there that he would use his awesome skills to do good, and by good I mean kill stuff. And kill stuff he did. Pirates everywhere began to fear him for his awesome and deadly ways. Even other ninjas didn't mess with him because he could flip out at any time and kill them too, it was sheer insanity.
Anyways, one day he decided to start a dojo, and it would be the greatest dojo of all time, where he would hand pick the best ninjas from around the world to train into elite an Ninja Squad. This group of ninjas was the sickest, baddest, most mint group of ninjas... ever. All they did was train, kill stuff, and then train some more. They never slept, and they ate only once a day... when they devoured maple cheddar breakfast sandwiches in insane quantities. It didn't give them any special abilities, but it did enhance the already incredible abilities they had, which is pretty unbelievable if you ask me.
So one day, the Ninja master came into the dojo and had this really concerned look on his face. This surprised the Ninja Squad, because they had never seen him like this before. Whenever he would get pissed, he would just kill something and he would feel better instantly. One of the younger ninjas gathered the courage to ask him what was wrong, which was a bad idea, because the master did a running drop kick so hard he went right through the dude, instantly killing him. He got off, brushed himself off and said "let that be a lesson for all of you that I am really pissed, and when I get pissed I don't like to be messed with". Then he said "the reason I have come to you is because we are all in serious trouble. And by all of us, I mean you guys, because I am never in trouble. Anyways, I just got word that there is a hippie concert going on not too far from here. For those of you who don't know, hippies suck. Not only do they suck, but they also smell bad.... REALLY bad. The problem wouldn't be that big of a deal except for the fact that a) they are really annoying and b) their increasing numbers are causing their smell to spread all over the planet and deplete the ozone. In fact, these hippies are the REAL reason for global warming, and they must be stopped. How ironic?"
All the ninjas looked around at each other in horror. One of them asked "what can we do about it?". The Ninja master replied, "you mean, what am I going to do, because you guys pretty much suck, and besides, the smell will definately kill you... it's that bad". The ninjas replied in unison "we will die together then!" (this story is dragging on way too long)
So they all go to the concert, start destroying stuff big time, but the smell was ridiculous. Half the ninjas died right away, and if I explained how they died it might cause you to lose control. The hippies didn't even have to do anything, the smell just killed everything in its path. But this made the Master wicked pissed off, and he decided to have the ninjas do a ridiculous move that never been done before.... the flying ninja foot of Death. The group jumped up and formed a giant foot which did a GIANT roundhouse kick to every hippie's head. It was the most mint move ever done, and was so awesome, it got rid of the smell entirely. In fact, all the hippies instantly turned into gold and babes, which all the nearby pirates stole immediately (stupid pirates). As to all the ninjas, they had done the most incredible move of all time (flying ninja foot of Death) which by sheer coincidence, killed THEM and not the hippies. It was all a moot point anyways, because they wouldn't have been able to handle the awesomeness. But the Ninja master did not die, no, in fact he used the opportunity to do the sick guitar solo from Jimi Hendrix's "Purple Haze" to perfection, and the lasting effects of this incredible music cannot be measured.
No one ever recalled what happened that day, the day the world was saved by this amazing ninja. But how did this story live on? I don't know... but the legend of the Ninja Master continues.
p.s. the Ninja Master's name is none other than Chuck Norris.
(As described by the good people at dunkindonuts.com)
"Sweet maple and real cheddar cheese.Made with scrambled egg, maple sausage and cheddar cheese served on a freshly baked croissant - this breakfast sandwich provides a surprisingly sweet flavor combination. But hurry - Maple Cheddar is around for a limited time only!"
Correction: NOT AVAILABLE. YOU CANNOT PURCHASE THIS SANDWICH. THEREFORE BY THE TRANSITIVE PROPERTY YOU MAY NOT EAT THIS SCRUMPTIOUS EGG SANDWICH. I KNOW AT LEAST 2 NINJAS THAT WOULD DO A TRIPLE FLIP DROP KICK TO BILL GATES IF HE COULD SOMEHOW BUY THIS SANDWICH. NO COMBINATION OF GOLD, BABES AND NINJA ATTACKS WILL EVER BRING THIS SANDWICH BACK. IT HAS STOLEN YOUR HEART AND SOUL. THE MAPLE CHEDDAR BREAKFAST SANDWICH WAS THE GREATEST INVENTION EVER CREATED BY PIRATES BECAUSE IT BRINGS THE NINJAS FIRST MELTY CHEESY MAPLEY GOODNESS AND LEAVES THEM WITH SADNESS AND PAIN. LOOK AT THE PICTURE, YOU WILL NEVER EAT ONE AGAIN.
This post was created solely to make ninjas hungry and sad.
So yesterday, I was practicing my roundhouse kicks outside my house in a random parking lot. I was wearing all black, wearing a mask, looking inconspicuous and everything. And all of the sudden, these pirates come out of nowhere, and there were 9 or 10 of them. But they weren’t regular pirates; they were midget ones with midget swords and midget hats and everything, they looked rough. They surround me and are like “so Ninja-boy, what are you doing?” and I’m like “what the crap does it look like? I’m practicing my roundhouses!” and they were like “why?” and I’m like “to kill people”. This made them shudder; I don’t think they had ever come so close to a ninja before. Then their leader was like “hey, do you want to grab a beer or something?” and I said to them “um, don’t you guys know that ninjas and pirates totally hate each other? Besides, you guys totally smell bad”. They nodded and then they told me that they weren’t even real pirates, they were just some retired midgets that were randomly wearing some ugly pirate costumes because they got totally hammered the night before and thought it would look cool. And I said, “That’s kind of lame…..hey I know of a good bar down the street” and we proceeded to party hard and kicked the crap out of everyone at the bar, it was awesome. And then after a few hours they were like “ninjas and pirates should totally hang out more” and I said “yeah….” And then I flipped out and did one HUGE roundhouse kick that hit every one of their heads. The whole bar exploded and I vanished into thin air. Then I randomly ended up somewhere in Wisconsin and got really pissed because Wisconsin totally sucks, and I had to give Brett Favre a flying close-line to the face. He was like “Whoa! Hey! What the crap was that??!!” And I told him “Dude, the Packers really suck”. That was the day I lost control.
The END
p.s. after that tremendous day, ninjas and pirates totally never sat around and drank beer together again. I think pirates finally learned their lesson. And the Packers are still totally lame.
I often sit and wonder how it all began. Everyone has their theories but I suppose we'll never truly know. However, there is one thing I am quite certain about. Pirates totally rock. Some people would completely disagree with this statement. Some people hold to the belief that pirates do not totally rock, people who will fight in the picket lines, people who fight by not supporting organizations that favor pirates, people who use violent measures to achieve their goals. Truly despicable individuals, hell-bent on supporting their cause no matter how radical it is, completely disregarding all things sacred, pure and true. These people are called ninjas.
It all started as a joke. It will certainly end that way too. Nevertheless, I have found that the majority of the people I have encountered through my travels have characteristics that coincide with those of a pirate or a ninja. Almost anyone that has any experience reading books, watching movies or playing those damn video games will tell you that a ninja and a pirate each have rather distinctive traits. Here is a story, possibly real, possibly an utter fabrication, of the day that I discovered that it was a pirate's life for me:
THE BIRTH OF 200% AWESOME
One sunny afternoon a long long time ago in a land far far away there was a guy who was totally awesome at street hockey. This guy's mom is French Canadian and if you didn't know about their street hockey, French Canadians are only the greatest street hockey players ever known in the whole world. One time I scored the sickest goals on this one other kid, then I scored like 12 more sick goals, he had no idea what was going on. Point is, people knew me, and I was kind of a big deal.
I guess now you have figured out that this legendary street hockey guy is me. One day I went to the place to play street hockey and there weren't any other kids. I thought to myself "This is the perfect time to work on some new tricks". So I worked on some new tricks. After this one trick where I faked out the goalie (imaginary, not real) so bad that I actually faked myself out (don't worry, I still scored the goal), I heard a song. I couldn't really make it out so I stopped skating around and listened.
DUN. DA DA DUN. DA DA DUN [REST REST]
NEER NEER NEER NE-NEER DA TA LA DUN.
DA DA DUN. DA DA DUN [REST] DA-DUN, DA-DUN DA-DUN DA-DUNN
Back in black. AC-DC. Rock.
So I immediately got back to skating and I came up with this move where I spun around with the puck between my skates, kicked the puck and then ripped the nastiest slapshot. I called it Back in Black. After a few times of mastering this maneuver, I yelled BACK IN BLACK! And immediately as I said that, I saw a ninja jump out of a tree. I said "Are you serious"? Three more ninjas jumped out. I asked them "Do you fellas wanna play some street hockey" and they all nodded "No". This might be the worst story I've ever told.
Let me wrap it up like this. I said "Hey ninjas, if you're looking for trouble, you guys need to put skates on and bring it on". That was probably the dumbest thing I could have possibly said. Why, as a reader, you might ask? Umm, only cuz these four ninjas were by far the speediest skaters I have ever seen in all of street hockey. Now I'll be the first to admit, I am not a fantastic skater. My stickhandling and slapshot ability is second to none. These guys were crazy, they were one man short of a flying V and coming right at me. I stood my ground but they turned away at the last second. I was definitely intimidated.
The weirdest thing happened right then and there. I started feeling a little bit different. I was scared and yet very calm. I somehow knew exactly what to do. At this point the ninjas were pretty much dominating in skating. It was cool like street hockey skating but also a little bit like men's or possibly couple's figure skating. I don't know what they call it when a man and a woman figure skate together but it definitely looked like that was happening. I skated over to my car and took my skates off. I had so much gear in the back of my car that day, it was my 1993 Buick Lesabre Custom Edition with fake leather seats, power windows, power locks, cruise control, so much leg room, totally in your face stereo system and everything else that a 65 year old man could possibly need in a large and luxurious automobile. I got in the driver's seat and put the key in the ignition. The engine roared, I felt like I was in a boat. I said to myself, "It's the Lesabre, le bateau. The boat". The pirate ship.
In one powerful stomp, I put the pedal to the metal and cruised onto the street hockey rink. While the ninjas were busy ice dancing on pavement, they looked to see an enormous dark cloud coming towards them. Le bateau was a glorious white when it was clean, today was not one of those glorious days. Without getting too graphic, the ninjas, well, lost control of themselves. They all ran away very embarrassed.
Nobody got hurt that day but I learned a valuable lesson. When you are in a situation that requires you to rise above and take it to the next level, it's much better to get in your pirate ship and take care of business than prance around on rollerblades in a ninja costume.
I win.
THE END
I don't remember what happened the rest of that day, pretty sure I went to White Hen Pantry and got myself a watermelon Slush Puppie, possibly some type of Snapple beverage, strawberry lemonade, you get the idea. Ever since that day, I have learned that whenever I handle a situation like a ninja would, things go bad. Whenever I handle a situation like a pirate would, things end up totally awesome. Now I told this story to a person who likes ninjas. I actually suspected this person was a ninja. I understood that ninjas think in a different way than pirates, so I asked him, "Hey do you want to write a blog together" and he said "yeah". I'm pretty sure he wrote a story about ninjas after that.
This blog will make you say "Hey that's pretty funny". This blog will make you say "These guys...SUCK". All I can really tell you is that this blog is: 200% Awesome.
So one day, I was driving with my ninja homies, just kind of chilling. We do that sometimes, when we aren’t killing people and practicing our sweet ninja moves. In the background, “Back and Black” by AC/DC is blasting out of our sweet sound system. People everywhere are flipping out, mostly because they can’t handle the excellence of what they are seeing or hearing. The sight, the sound…. it’s incredible!
Anyways, so we are all wearing our ninja gear and various ninja paraphernalia; swords, bow staffs, ninja stars… it’s awesome. And we are totally ready to rock in an incredible way, which means we are ready to kill. And if we are really lucky, we might spot a pirate because ninjas instantly get super pumped when they are cracking pirate skulls; it’s one of the laws of the universe or some kind of crap like that.
Anyways, so we drive by this park and we spot this goofy kid who thinks he is playing hockey and he thinks that he is really good at it, but he really sucks. And one of my friends makes the comment “wow that guy….. sucks”. It was true. I think to myself, “This guy must be a pirate” which gets me really amped up. The way that he was clumsily running around like a drunken idiot and shouting swear words at the top of his lungs definitely gave his piracy nature away. Anyways, so he just all the sudden blurts out something about “back and black!”, which he heard from our sound system. This got us super pissed off because that is the ninja theme song and cannot be mention by any other type of person, especially pirates without some kind of ridiculous retribution. We surround the pirate while doing all sorts of sweet ninja moves that would rock the socks off of the average person. He is shaking so hard from the awesomeness of what he was seeing and tries to make a run for it. We tried to follow him but the smell was so bad that we could barely stand up; that must be a secret pirate weapon or something.
Then, ran as hard as he could (which was pretty slow because of his awkward drunken nature) to his car, which was a piece of crap Buick LeSabre. The thing was so crappy that it almost imploded on him when he hopped in. Part of me felt sorry for this poor, dirty pirate. Maybe it was a change in my heart, maybe I was finding Jesus…. Or maybe it was just gas, I don’t know. But as he pulled off I forgot about all that crap and plugged in my Gibson Les Paul and ripped the sickest guitar solo ever played. The whole world listened as I played that beautiful piece of music and pirates everywhere crapped their pants like really bad, and ninjas started to get pumped up as never before seen. It was the day I call “Awesome Day”. That was the beginning of when I knew, like for sure…. 200% sure in fact, that I was the greatest ninja ever.
Awesome - everything on here is awesome, many other things are awesome, everything else sucks
B
Beast Mode - a spiritual and transcendental state of being, where you start to dominate at levels that cannot be recorded or even predicted. Things that may occur during Beast Mode include: death, destruction, total domination, logs found on top of fax machines, and much much more.
Blankday - when Blurnsday started to suck (and boy does it ever suck) it was renamed to Blankday. This is getting ridiculous. Anyways, it's probably going to get renamed into something equally as retarded next week. Stay tuned.
Blurnsday - formerly known as Tuesday, invented by Skippy and named by Archie to deny the existence of Tuesday
C
Celular - the name of our most awesome #1 fan.
D
Domination - one of the highest forms of winning
F
Final Jeopardy - when it's time not to give an answer, but ask the question...used often at 7:54pm on weeknights; sometimes closely related to laughing parties
H
Hippies - lamest form of life ever
L
Laughing party - Event that takes place when a ninja or pirate dude has an excellent, uh, sense of humor
N
Ninja- n., pl. ninja or -jas. A member of a class of 14th-century Japanese mercenary agents who were trained in the martial arts and hired for covert operations such as assassination and sabotage. They are known for their stealthiness and ability to flip out and kill people... besides that, they totally rock out hard, ripping guitar solos so sweet that it causes mass crapping of the pants. Their common enemy is the pirate.
T
Tuesday - something that sucks
Us...a couple of complete morons with computers. otherwise known as a terrible combination.
