Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Craigslist Rules

Ladies and gentlemen, here is a craigslist ad presented to me via facebook that I have since posted via twitter than I thank my friend who shall remain nameless for posting on his facebook originally. Myspace played no part in this, as Myspace sucks the big one. Anyways, here is the posting, since it will ultimately be deleted once the item is sold. The item in question is a 2005 Nissan Xterra being sold in the San Antonio area:

http://sanantonio.craigslist.org/cto/1257065913.html

QUOTE

OK, let me start off by saying this Xterra is only available for purchase by the manliest of men (or women). My friend, if it was possible for a vehicle to sprout chest hair and a five o'clock shadow, this Nissan would look like Tom Selleck. It is just that manly.

It was never intended to drive to northstar mall so you can pick up that adorable shirt at Abercrombie & Fitch that you had your eye on. It wasn't meant to transport you to yoga class or Bath & Body Works. No, that's what your Prius is for. If that's the kind of car you're looking for, then just do us all a favor and stop reading right now. I mean it. Just stop.

This car was engineered by 3rd degree ninja super-warriors in the highest mountains of Japan to serve the needs of the man that cheats death on a daily basis. They didn't even consider superfluous nancy boy amenities like navigation systems (real men don't get lost), heated leather seats (a real man doesn't let anything warm his butt), or On Star (real men don't even know what the hell On Star is).

No, this brute comes with the things us testosterone-fueled super action junkies need. It has a 265 HP engine to outrun the cops. It's got special blood/gore resistant upholstery. It even has a first-aid kit in the back. You know what the first aid kit has in it? A pint of whiskey, a stitch-your-own-wound kit and a hunk of leather to bite down on when you're operating on yourself. The Xterra also has an automatic transmission so if you're being chased by Libyan terrorists, you'll still be able to shoot your machine gun out the window and drive at the same time. It's saved my bacon more than once.

It has room for you and the four hotties you picked up on the way to the gym to blast your pecs and hammer your glutes. There's a tow hitch to pull your 50 caliber anti-Taliban, self cooling machine gun. I also just put in a new windshield to replace the one that got shot out by The Man.
My price on this bad boy is an incredibly low $10,900, but I'll entertain reasonable offers. And by reasonable, I mean don't walk up and tell me you'll give me $5,000 for it. That's liable to earn you a Burmese-roundhouse-sphincter-kick with a follow up three fingered eye-jab. Would it hurt? Hell yeah. Let's just say you won't be the prettiest guy at the Coldplay concert anymore.

There's only 69,000 miles on this four-wheeled hellcat from Planet Kickass. Trust me, it will outlive you and the offspring that will carry your name. It will live on as a monument to your machismo.

Now, go look in the mirror and tell me what you see. If it's a rugged, no holds barred, super brute he-man macho Chuck Norris stunt double, then contact me. I might be out hang-gliding or BASE jumping or just chilling with my ladies, but I'll get back to you. And when I do, we'll talk about a price over a nice glass of Schmidt while we listen to Johnny Cash.

To sweeten the deal a little, I'm throwing in this pair of MC Hammer pants for the man with rippling quads that can't fit into regular pants. Yeah, you heard me. FREE MC Hammer pants.

Rock on.

END QUOTE

If this guy wants to write for 200% Awesome he is welcome to step up to the plate any time, any place, Ninja Master will supply the camp site and the redneck babes, I will provide the Southern Comfort and the bean bag tic tac toe game. AWW YEAH DUDE!!

Monday, July 13, 2009

Chuck Norris Rules

Chuck Norris is so awesome. For those of you that follow 200% on Twitter, you may know that everybody was saying wicked awesome stuff about Chuck Norris. All day long I was thinking about cool stuff that Chuck Norris could do. Imagine if Chuck Norris was in the White House, he would be dominating. Imagine if Chuck Norris was in outer space, he would be punching aliens in the face and probably getting it on with female aliens causing their stomachs to explode with mini Chuck Norris things coming out of them. Then I thought about Chuck Norris in the UFC, oh man could you imagine if he put you in a sleeper hold and

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Results Are In...

1st half of 2009 Most Awesome Award, organized by most votes

#1 Ninja Master, Surly Blondbeard (aka Pirate) - 200% Awesome
#2 Tom Cruise - bald guy in Tropic Thunder
#3 Tropic Thunder Joel - foreign guy who looks like Joel in my office
#4 Thunderstorms - totally kick ass and I'm not even scared of them
#5 My feelings - they can't be hurt by anyone not even redneck robots
#6 Redneck robots - this awesome crappy thing I just invented
#7 Bar trivia - it's like final jeopardy except over and over and over again
#8 Actually bar trivia should be like #2 1/2 cuz final jeopardy rules
#9 Hot pirate chicks - ohhh mannnn yessss and it's tied with certain ninja babes
#10 Going on wicked long bike rides and going off jumps and stuff

Thank you for everyone that voted, we apologize that the free numchucks will no longer be available. We sincerely hope that you reward yourself today and buy yourselves some numchucks or possibly just go see Harry Potter or Pirates of the Caribbean. Later on, me and the Ninja Master will debate why I think Harry Potter is hippie activist propaganda established primarily by Tony Blair to distract us from how craptacular of a job George Bush did while he was in office.

Shout out to our twitter peeps, holler young ones, holler back towards us.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

#deathfight

The handsome and awesome dudes that make up the nastiest 2 man faction of ninja and pirate have been challenged to our first DEATH FIGHT. This is frickin ridiculous because everybody in the planet and galaxy knows that no one can stop a ninja and a pirate teamed up. In fact, ninjas and pirates teaming up is deep down the wishes of Chuck Norris and Jesus. Which is why I need you guys to all believe me when I say, we are going to blow up so many more ice cream trucks with our roundhouse kicks, seriously get down with and F so many more mermaids, climb up to mountains of pure energy and then when we plug our guitars into those mountains we turn them into amps which after rocking out solos makes highly intense sound waves that travel through the world including Texas and Cuba to make all the underwear fall off the ladies except for the old ones it makes theirs stay on forever.

So please follow us on Twitter, we are named "200percent" there and follow the "hash tag" of #deathfight. I am so sure that hippies will follow anything called a hash tag, so see you smelly clowns there too. Blondbeard out! LETS GET IT ON!!

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

List of the 26 most awesome things

Check it. This is a list of the 26 most awesome things of all time, on the planet. If you care to argue with me about it, you're wrong. You also suck. And you might be expecting a roundhouse kick to the dome shortly, accompanied by a log laid on either your fax machine or car.... or both. Anyways, here is the list.

1. This site
2. Ninjas
3. Not being a Pirate, Hippie or Redneck
4. Diet Mountain Dew
5. Chrysler LeBaron's
6. Domination
7. Extra large slurpies from 711
8. Dome crushing roundhouse kicks
9. Flipping out and killing stuff
10. Wombats
11. Chuck Norris
12. Sick 3 hour long guitar solo's
13. Watching Brett Favre get sacked and in the process losing control of his bowels.
14. Keystone Light
15. Disappearing in mid air
16. Knives
17. Throwing stars
18. Katana Blades
19. Smoke Bombs
20. Underground death match cage fights
21. Flips and summersaults
22. Flipping out and killing stuff
23. The smash hit "Rock Steady" by the Whispers (gets me into such a raging dominance)
24. Jessica Biel
25. BEAST MODE
26. The last two combined

Next, we will visit the 26 things that..... SUCK. Stay tuned.

-NM

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Not For Sale

Note to investors:

Although we have been valued at $39 for the Twitter and an estimated $720,000 for the intellectually challenged property on this blog, we are not currently for sale.

If you are bummed out by this, we will review any offer, however it should be understood that the minimum you bid should be $720,039. All realistic offers will be entertained if you wish to acquire all or some of this enterprise.

Cordially,
200%

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

What I did when I may or may not have had the swine flu


Last week.... sucked. I got sick after a most excellent camping trip with my clan (which for the purposes of anonymity, will be called the "Foot Clan"). Anyways, I got back and got sick. It sucked so hard. Normally I don't get sick because I drink a ridiculous amount of Mountain Dew which makes me awesome. That and I dropkick a lot of people which means I stay healthy and limber. But I woke up one morning and felt all crappy, which is probably what it feels like to be a hippie. I call this "the SUCK".

So I was laying down on my couch, and decided to watch a movie on demand. There were many choices of movies to watch... including countless Adam Sandler movies and other movies about awesome things. But I decided to change it up a bit and watch "Freddie Got Fingered" starring Tom Green. Let me just say that although it was overall quite awesome, I have determined that Tom Green is a sick, sick man. No one should ever touch horse gentials, and he did. If I met Tom Green I would immediately do a flying dropkick to his face which would instantly crush his skull. I would also do this to Barbara Streisand and Yanni. And the guy from the Sham Wow commericals. And that dude who does all the other info-mercials. And the old dude who does the diabetes commericals, the one who was on that stupid show during the 80's. And the old dude who does the Art institute commericals. And Jim Sokolov. And that stupid nerdy guy who wrote that book about natural remedies. And Oprah. And all the hosts of the view. And Judge Judy.... I could go on like this for hours. Basically they all suck and deserve to be dropkicked. The End.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Ninja Pirate Art Gallery

Pirate here, just letting you know that me and the ninja painstakingly wasted hours of paid time at work creating the finest paintings, actually MS Paintings...many of which are featured prominently...all the way down the page...on the right...in a column...on this here blog 200% Awesome.

As a side note, ninjas and pirates have often times reported to us that our "art" is particularly emotional, to the point where it has caused many of the following reactions:

* Losing control
* Going into beast mode
* Enjoying dinner at Olive Garden with a loved one
* Watching footage of the NFL Draft on ESPN only to find that the Patriots traded their pick AGAIN and you're NEVER GOING TO SEE YOUR TEAM MAKE A SELECTION
* Single tears
* Writing unanswered fan mail to Chuck Norris
* sipping Diet Mountain Dew out of a wine glass
* chugging a bunch of Gatorade and then practicing dance moves
* meditating at the dojo of your choice
* ordering a spicy chicken sandwich from Wendy's
* taking your pirate ship to Cuba and putting on a rock show for all the babes

Hopefully those of you who faithfully read already have joined our Twitter page by now at http://www.twitter.com/200percent and vice versa, our new twitter friends will now faithfully read this blog (I'm not going to post the address it's right up there). Also I'm calling out all of you artists out there, CREATE NINJA AND PIRATE ART. There are so many starving ninja and pirate artists out there who are starving, and in the case of the ninjas, not scoring with babes AT ALL. I mean, girls only want guys who have great skills. Cmon people. Read a book. Or watch a movie or play a video game.

Scurvily yours,
Surly Blondbeard

Monday, April 27, 2009

Awesome reviews of our site

Our Reviews
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mike
linkreferral.blogspot.com
"I really enjoyed your site, had no problems with navigation, and everything loaded really fast for me. I have added it to my favorites. Keep up the great work!"

Yevette
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Friday, April 24, 2009

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Wednesday, April 1, 2009

STAR TREK AWESOME



Check it. Lego's and Star Trek are awesome. Therefore it belongs on this site. Also, we have decided that we now pretty much own the internet, as well as Earth. We are now venturing for dominion of outer space from the grasp of the evil hippies and rednecks out there. Thus we are trying to raise money through this awesome site to build a "Star Ship" on a 5 year "Star Trek". I'll keep you posted.

I love how original this site is.

This site....


Is the LAMEST site of all time.


FAIL.


Awesome Advertisement


Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Awesome Joke

So one day two cannibals were eating a clown. One of them asked the other "Hey does this taste funny to you?".
This is funny, because I say it's funny. To those of you who didn't laugh, I promise I will hunt you down and wait until you are in a dark alleyway and do a flying dropkick to your skull then tie you up and make you watch Kurt Cameron movies all day long until you bleed in the ears.

Have a nice day.
NM

Monday, February 9, 2009

Episode I

6:51pm:

Woman: [CENSORED], can I help you?
Surly: Yes I'm looking for the man in charge of [CENSORED] please.
Woman: Is there anyone in particular you're looking for?
Surly: (trying not to laugh) Well, I'm calling from [CENSORED], you know, the [CENSORED]?
Woman: Oh of course, let me transfer you to Scott Harrison.

...to be continued...

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

The Most Awesome Online Conversation Ever

Ninja: yo
Pirate: yo
Ninja: whats goin on?
Pirate: not too much...how about you?
Ninja: another day at work
Ninja has signed out. (1/14/2009 9:03 AM)

Ah Ninja...keeping it brief and then vanishing without a trace...

Who sucks more?

THIS GLOSSARY IS AWESOME

  • A
  • Awesome - everything on here is awesome, many other things are awesome, everything else sucks
  • B
  • Beast Mode - a spiritual and transcendental state of being, where you start to dominate at levels that cannot be recorded or even predicted. Things that may occur during Beast Mode include: death, destruction, total domination, logs found on top of fax machines, and much much more.
  • Blankday - when Blurnsday started to suck (and boy does it ever suck) it was renamed to Blankday. This is getting ridiculous. Anyways, it's probably going to get renamed into something equally as retarded next week. Stay tuned.
  • Blurnsday - formerly known as Tuesday, invented by Skippy and named by Archie to deny the existence of Tuesday
  • C
  • Celular - the name of our most awesome #1 fan.
  • D
  • Domination - one of the highest forms of winning
  • F
  • Final Jeopardy - when it's time not to give an answer, but ask the question...used often at 7:54pm on weeknights; sometimes closely related to laughing parties
  • H
  • Hippies - lamest form of life ever
  • L
  • Laughing party - Event that takes place when a ninja or pirate dude has an excellent, uh, sense of humor
  • N
  • Ninja- n., pl. ninja or -jas. A member of a class of 14th-century Japanese mercenary agents who were trained in the martial arts and hired for covert operations such as assassination and sabotage. They are known for their stealthiness and ability to flip out and kill people... besides that, they totally rock out hard, ripping guitar solos so sweet that it causes mass crapping of the pants. Their common enemy is the pirate.
  • T
  • Tuesday - something that sucks
  • Us...a couple of complete morons with computers. otherwise known as a terrible combination.