Craigslist Rules

Ladies and gentlemen, here is a craigslist ad presented to me via facebook that I have since posted via twitter than I thank my friend who shall remain nameless for posting on his facebook originally. Myspace played no part in this, as Myspace sucks the big one. Anyways, here is the posting, since it will ultimately be deleted once the item is sold. The item in question is a 2005 Nissan Xterra being sold in the San Antonio area:

http://sanantonio.craigslist.org/cto/1257065913.html

QUOTE

OK, let me start off by saying this Xterra is only available for purchase by the manliest of men (or women). My friend, if it was possible for a vehicle to sprout chest hair and a five o'clock shadow, this Nissan would look like Tom Selleck. It is just that manly.

It was never intended to drive to northstar mall so you can pick up that adorable shirt at Abercrombie & Fitch that you had your eye on. It wasn't meant to transport you to yoga class or Bath & Body Works. No, that's what your Prius is for. If that's the kind of car you're looking for, then just do us all a favor and stop reading right now. I mean it. Just stop.

This car was engineered by 3rd degree ninja super-warriors in the highest mountains of Japan to serve the needs of the man that cheats death on a daily basis. They didn't even consider superfluous nancy boy amenities like navigation systems (real men don't get lost), heated leather seats (a real man doesn't let anything warm his butt), or On Star (real men don't even know what the hell On Star is).

No, this brute comes with the things us testosterone-fueled super action junkies need. It has a 265 HP engine to outrun the cops. It's got special blood/gore resistant upholstery. It even has a first-aid kit in the back. You know what the first aid kit has in it? A pint of whiskey, a stitch-your-own-wound kit and a hunk of leather to bite down on when you're operating on yourself. The Xterra also has an automatic transmission so if you're being chased by Libyan terrorists, you'll still be able to shoot your machine gun out the window and drive at the same time. It's saved my bacon more than once.

It has room for you and the four hotties you picked up on the way to the gym to blast your pecs and hammer your glutes. There's a tow hitch to pull your 50 caliber anti-Taliban, self cooling machine gun. I also just put in a new windshield to replace the one that got shot out by The Man.
My price on this bad boy is an incredibly low $10,900, but I'll entertain reasonable offers. And by reasonable, I mean don't walk up and tell me you'll give me $5,000 for it. That's liable to earn you a Burmese-roundhouse-sphincter-kick with a follow up three fingered eye-jab. Would it hurt? Hell yeah. Let's just say you won't be the prettiest guy at the Coldplay concert anymore.

There's only 69,000 miles on this four-wheeled hellcat from Planet Kickass. Trust me, it will outlive you and the offspring that will carry your name. It will live on as a monument to your machismo.

Now, go look in the mirror and tell me what you see. If it's a rugged, no holds barred, super brute he-man macho Chuck Norris stunt double, then contact me. I might be out hang-gliding or BASE jumping or just chilling with my ladies, but I'll get back to you. And when I do, we'll talk about a price over a nice glass of Schmidt while we listen to Johnny Cash.

To sweeten the deal a little, I'm throwing in this pair of MC Hammer pants for the man with rippling quads that can't fit into regular pants. Yeah, you heard me. FREE MC Hammer pants.

Rock on.

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If this guy wants to write for 200% Awesome he is welcome to step up to the plate any time, any place, Ninja Master will supply the camp site and the redneck babes, I will provide the Southern Comfort and the bean bag tic tac toe game. AWW YEAH DUDE!!

Chuck Norris Rules

Chuck Norris is so awesome. For those of you that follow 200% on Twitter, you may know that everybody was saying wicked awesome stuff about Chuck Norris. All day long I was thinking about cool stuff that Chuck Norris could do. Imagine if Chuck Norris was in the White House, he would be dominating. Imagine if Chuck Norris was in outer space, he would be punching aliens in the face and probably getting it on with female aliens causing their stomachs to explode with mini Chuck Norris things coming out of them. Then I thought about Chuck Norris in the UFC, oh man could you imagine if he put you in a sleeper hold and

Results Are In...

1st half of 2009 Most Awesome Award, organized by most votes

#1 Ninja Master, Surly Blondbeard (aka Pirate) - 200% Awesome
#2 Tom Cruise - bald guy in Tropic Thunder
#3 Tropic Thunder Joel - foreign guy who looks like Joel in my office
#4 Thunderstorms - totally kick ass and I'm not even scared of them
#5 My feelings - they can't be hurt by anyone not even redneck robots
#6 Redneck robots - this awesome crappy thing I just invented
#7 Bar trivia - it's like final jeopardy except over and over and over again
#8 Actually bar trivia should be like #2 1/2 cuz final jeopardy rules
#9 Hot pirate chicks - ohhh mannnn yessss and it's tied with certain ninja babes
#10 Going on wicked long bike rides and going off jumps and stuff

Thank you for everyone that voted, we apologize that the free numchucks will no longer be available. We sincerely hope that you reward yourself today and buy yourselves some numchucks or possibly just go see Harry Potter or Pirates of the Caribbean. Later on, me and the Ninja Master will debate why I think Harry Potter is hippie activist propaganda established primarily by Tony Blair to distract us from how craptacular of a job George Bush did while he was in office.

Shout out to our twitter peeps, holler young ones, holler back towards us.