Blurnsday!

The Onion has written a hilarious article, one that speaks of a topic that hits close to home, my hatred of Tuesday. Enjoy.

http://www.theonion.com/content/news/it_only_tuesday

Ninja Farmers!

Alright this is a really quick story about a bunch of ninjas that worked on a farm. I sort of hyperlinked my blog to my other one and when they click on this link they are going to expect some type of story about ninjas attacking me with milk.

So I was minding my own business doing what I normally do on Sunday afternoons which is play Ms. Pacman down at the arcade with the senior citizens. They always make me feel stupid because I totally dominate at Ms. Pacman against my friends but then I just get schooled. Like after schooled. Like after school special. Like that one when Calista Flockhart has bulimia. Haha. Ally McMeal. That's not funny.

Anyways these ninjas came and tried to pour milk down my mouth and I was like 'BACK OFF OF ME MAN I'M LACTOSE INTOLERANT!!!"

For our #1 Fan

Celular said...
Hello. This post is likeable, and your blog is very interesting, congratulations :-). I will add in my blogroll =). If possible gives a last there on my blog, it is about the Celular, I hope you enjoy. The address is http://telefone-celular-brasil.blogspot.com. A hug.
April 6, 2008 11:05 AM

A song:

Like the fiery pits of hell you are
Dominant and awesome Celular
I am glad you think our post is likeable
Cooler than that game Excitebike-able
Very interesting, that's correct
Chuck Norris once snapped a million necks
I wish I could make just one phone call
To the Cuban chicks for laughing, one and all
Ninjas and pirates that like to kill
But Celular is the best in all Brazil!

En português:

Uma canção:

Como os poços de inferno impetuosos você é
Celular dominante e impressionante
Eu estou contente você penso que nosso borne é likeable
Refrigerador do que esse jogo Excitebike-able
Muito interessante, isso está correto
Chuck Norris agarrou uma vez milhão gargantas
Eu desejo que eu poderia fazer apenas uma chamada de telefone
Aos pintainhos cubanos para rir, um e tudo
Ninjas e piratas que como a matar
Mas Celular é o melhor em todo o Brasil!

Let me just make sure that the translator is correct:
Portugese back to English:

As the impetuous wells of hell
you are Cellular dominant and impressive
I am contented you I think that our post is likeable
Coolant of what this Excitebike-able game
Very interesting, this is correct
Chuck Norris grasped a time million throats
I desire that I could make only one call of telephone
To the Cuban chicks to laugh, one and everything
Ninjas and pirates who I eat to kill
But Cellular he is optimum in all Brazil!

Perfeito.

The Incredible Mr. Astley

So the other day I went to the grocery store to pick up a few things. No big whoop. By the way, why is it always hard to find the one thing you need when you go grocery shopping? I mean I only needed like 2 items and one of them was zip lock bags and I couldn't find them. So I asked some redneck dude where the zip lock bags were. He goes "Why would you be asking me that?" and I was like "so you don't work here", he goes "no!" and I think "Well you a-hole, then don't wear a brown shirt that makes you look like an employee!" I mean that's just common sense. Then in my mind right there I drop kicked him in his face and he ran away and brought me my zip lock bags and whole bunch of other cool crap like diet mountain dew.

So anyways that really doesn't have any relevance to what I want to talk about whatsoever, which is Rick Astley, who is probably the most awesome person on the planet. I mean, that deep baritone voice combined with synthesized 80's pop music combined with his ridiculous fashion sense combined with his even more ridiculous dance moves make him a serious consideration for the 8th wonder of the world. Who is this guy and where did he come from? I mean, I just can't keep my mind off of Rick Astley, and no I'm not gay I just aspire to be like him in every way. His hit single "Never gonna give you up" is playing through my mind like background music 24 hours a day, even when I sleep. When I walk down the street I do my patented Rick Astley dance moves, which make me look like a complete a-hole but I couldn't care less! Rick Astley is the MAN!

There are just so many questions I would love to ask Rick, such as "where have you been for the last few years?" and I know the answer would be something sweet such as "you know Joel, first off you are awesome, like the coolest person besides me. But anyways, I have been in India meditating like 24 hours a day because I'm awesome like that and because I don't give a crap about anyone else. And also, because I just feel like it and I'm Rick Astley so I can do whatever I want so there you go". And then I would be so in awe because of that awesome answer I would probably do a drop kick right there and either kill someone or hurt myself. That's how excited I am about Rick Astley. Besides that I would ask him "so Rick, can I rip a sick guitar solo while you sing" and we would jam out and create the sweetest music known to man for like 12 hours straight, followed by the sweetest party with piles of gold and babes everywhere and NO pirates cuz we killed them all with our sweet music and no hippies because Rick's prescience was too much awesome for them. In any case it would be the sweetest time anyone has ever had.



Peace out.

Ninja Master

Ninjas at the Mall: A True Story

So I was at the mall picking up some crap and I saw the most ridiculous looking babe in the world I almost crapped my pants. Almost. Then I saw her kid. I quickly grabbed a rope swing and shot up like infinity feet up to the second floor of the mall. Next thing I know, I'm at the video game store. The game was about ninjas.

I hate ninjas. But not as much as I hate hippies. Hippies you can smell from anywhere, especially from their favorite hang out, Orange Julius. Eat a steak you dirty moocher. Sometimes you bump into some people that totally suck. Like this one guy, he had a Jack Black t-shirt on. It wasn't even like, Tenacious D, or Nacho Libre, or some other stupid thing. Just Jack Black. I would chop that guy up into pieces and feed him to the octopus. And the platypus.

This guy was like "Uh...I totally like jas".

I was like, "Jaws? Like the shark movie? F*ck yeah!"

He took a sip of his Orange Julius and answered back to me "Uh...no...dummy...jas".

"Jazz?" I mean, sometimes it's hippie music but it's alright, I mean everyone likes some jazz...you know...Cuban jazz...you know...like...right? Know what I'm sayin? Are you smellin' what I'm cookin' here dude? I mean...that's cool AWWWW YEEAHHH DDUUUUDDEEE

"No....uhhhh....NIN...jas....you big stupid face, they're called jas...totally radical"

I was about to beat the living and the dead and the zombie crap out of this butt wipe. Then a friggin ninja showed up (he used the same rope after he saw that hot babe's kid) and friggin sliced this dude's neck with a friggin kitana blade. What the frig! Well, I flipped out, and the ninja totally flipped out...like ninjas always friggin do...and since we were in the video game store, I tore into "Stricken" by Disturbed on Guitar Hero 3. Laughing parties ensued. The end.