Domination Station

There are times in every man's life when they have an epiphany, a realization of greatness that transcends normal human understanding. OK, so maybe not every man has these moments, especially not hippies (though they think they have them all the time) but my point is that just now I came up with the most incredible idea. My idea is about video games. See, most video games and video game consoles suck. In fact, they are entirely too easy and not nearly exciting enough. This is what makes ninjas flip out and kill people: they go on their PS2, play for like 5 minutes get really bored and go into beast mode (specifically the bad, destructive beast mode which ends in death and suffering, not the good kind which... I'll get into that at a latter time) and that's when stuff dies. It is because of this that office buildings everywhere have weekly incidents of giant logs being found on top of fax machines (that joke just never gets old). Ninjas are a pissed off group of people, but usually a pissed off ninja can be dealt with. A Ninja in Beast Mode, however, requires an extreme amount of force to be brought down, and I mean EXTREME. Like, more than a regular radioactive panther... more like a pre-historic mutant hippopotamus on crack, with razor sharp antlers. And I'm pretty sure the ninja would still kill it, he would just get slowed down a little. That's a great idea for a new picture by the way.... I impress myself everday.



In any case, it's extremely important that we, as a human race, develop a video game system that will satisfy the needs of ninjas everywhere. Video games are vital in the daily lives of ninjas, and ninjas love their video games just as hippies love to smoke doobies and pirates love drinking rum getting really rowdy. So, what's the answer to this dilemma? The DominationStation. Unlike the PlayStation, where you only PLAY video games, this avails every willing participant (albeit a participant with a certain amount of skill) to DOMINATE. The games will be realistic and awesome, and the controllers will allow the user to go into BEAST MODE after attaining a certain level of dominance, at which point they pull the BEAST MODE lever, delivering them into an inexplicable world of awesomeness. Does this sound intense? It's more intense than a ninja who just chugged a baker's dozen Diet Mountain Dews, and that's actually clinically proven to be true.

Also, the DominationStation won't have any numbers, like Playstation2 or 3.... NO. There is only ONE, and it NEVER needs to be updated.

Right now the Domination Station is just in its test phases, and all progress on it has been kept secret. If it falls into the wrong hands, devastating things can happen. For instance, only ninjas can posses the Domination Station. If a Hippie gets one, he or she will hook it up, totally suck at playing and then realize that it's too awesome for them,. They will then try to return it and say that it's the evil corporation's fault or some other nonsense like that. Pirates also can't use the DominationStation, partially because they are usually too inebriated to even hook it up. In any case, it's only for Ninjas, because it fulfills the requirement for Video Game BeastMode, which is one of the many forms of beast mode. Others include Destructive beast mode (where you get super pissed off and start destroying stuff), Final Jeopardy beast mode (and since this is a family weblog, I won't elaborate but it's awesome) and General beast mode (where you are just rocking and dominating and you realize that stuff is dying around you). So yeah, this is a really great invention. I will use the latest, cutting edge technology (Microsoft paint) to draw a picture of the prototype, controller and all. I have a feeling that this invention will really take off, and I may even make tens of dollars from this, which would be awesome. So keep an eye out for the DominationStation, which may make me rich enough to move out of my van, who knows?

Later.

Winter X Games

Just wanted to take a quick minute to remind all of our fans, pirates and ninjas alike, that the Winter X Games are totally awesome. This is the kind of stuff that people need to be doing to prolong the existance of awesome crap in our society. Being awesome is a privilege, not a right, and you need to take advantage of all the privileges you have in life. I mean, you're not a hippie, are you?

Year of the Awesome

Here's the deal a******s:

2007 was the crappiest piece of crap year that the world ever crapped out of its pants. I mean sure there were a few things that made 2007 spectacular. Last year was nothing more than a set-up for what is about to happen in 2008. This is why I have decided to do what had to be done: set my 2008 new years resolutions.

In fact, I think that resolution in itself is a crappy word that sucks. The lifeless losers at Webster's define "resolution" as the act or process of resolving: as a: the act of analyzing a complex notion into simpler ones b: the act of answering : solving c: the act of determining d: the passing of a voice part from a dissonant to a consonant tone or the progression of a chord from dissonance to consonance or more ridiculous crap which basically just means I haven't won yet and I probably will never ever win in the history of the universe.

Safe to say, if you're a katana wielding bridge jumping off train jumping on swan diving triple flipping dagger throwing book of secret totally sick moves writing book of secret totally sick moves reading mathematically discovering the formula for how Chuck Norris kicks faces off discovering AC/DC cranking meditating over herbal tea and pictures of Jessica Biel transcendentalizing...fundamentally dominant ninja...

You're not gonna walk past a fax machine without dropping a monster log on it.

And I'm pretty sure it goes without saying if you are a rum guzzling beard stroking parrot training bow and arrow wielding monkey training alligator wrestling broken bottle of gin used as a weapon stabbing barrel rolling cannon loading cannon shooting cannon throwing over a boat-ing Cannonball Run watching Run DMC listening knives sharpening belt loosening dart throwing pool playing chair breaking radiator defenestrating......intrinsically beastmodical pirate...

You're gonna put up with this caca.

2007.

Worst year in the world.

Until the birth of 200% Awesome.

This is the first full year of 200% Awesome coming up so I think it's only fair that certain resolutions be made. But since resolution isn't awesome enough, we need only to come up with a new word for this list of goals to be achieved by year's end.