Ok, so this idea of merchandising is excellent. I nominate myself to contribute some artwork to this cause. I don't want to pat myself on the back or anything, but I would say my artistic skills are stellar. Check out this masterpiece entitled "Eric vs. the Radioactive Panther" (and it didn't take me 45 minutes, it took me like 30, most of which was spent doing the detail of the flame on the burning tire).
So we've begun to realize that 200% Awesome is sweeping the nation. After the Blogger website took flight, we have settled into Facebook due to the erection of a group by the fans, for the fans, of 200% Awesome. This Facebook group is the greatest erection that has ever been erected. Shortly after that, 200% Awesome became a multimedia giant by showing the Internet world the power of music videos, photos and rumors became spread that 200% Awesome would soon be producing original music and videos. All the fans wait in anticipation for these soon to be erected productions. 200% Awesome, like any other business, needs to seize the moment and create merchandise for the fans, because let's face it: people love merchandise.
We at 200% Awesome need your help deciding what types of products that the world needs. Does the world need T-shirts? Perhaps some stickers would be nifty. Before we produce the DVD and the interactive 200% Awesome video game, we need to get some more funds. Here are some ideas for T-shirts, stickers, underwear and everything else we can market to you fine individuals:
I don't know what other logos we will have besides the Awesometer, and this thing that "Ninja Master" has been drawing for like 45 minutes at his desk, something to do with a dude spraying mace in the eyes of a radioactive panther...I like it, maybe Ninja Master will post the "artwork". Alright cats, thanks for reading, leave some comments and we'll have lots more crazy stuff coming at you in no time flat.
DO NOT READ THIS STORY IF YOU CAN NOT ACCESS YOUTUBE VIDEOS. WAIT UNTIL YOU HAVE ACCESS TO THE VIDEOS BEFORE READING THIS STORY. THANK YOU.
Warning: This Blog Contains Awesome Music Videos Which May Explode Your Face
One incredibly rambunctious day there was a pirate who worked harder than any other pirate on any other day in the history of pirates. This is the story of that pirate and that hard working day. This is the story of how ninjas try to ruin a perfectly good pirate party. This is a story that should be made into a movie solely because of its soundtrack. And its special effects. And its heartfelt drama. And its totally sick action scenes. This movie would be so sick that it would top the box office charts, win a crap load of awards and stuff, plus you would be able to get a toy from the movie with a purchase of a Kids Meal at Burger King. And not like a lame toy either but one of the really cool ones, maybe even a DVD or like an MP3 player or something, at the very least it would be a really awesome action figure, but not a lame action figure but one that did something cool, not just stand there and do nothing. Those are the kinds of kids meal toys that end up at yard sales, this movie would produce collectible kids meal toys.
PART 1:
So this pirate was working his booty off just to make enough loot to pay for his grub and pay for his rent. As you probably know, pirates love to party a lot more than they like to work. At the end of a long day at work, a pirate likes to enjoy a pint of ale or possibly just sit out on the deck and enjoy some sun. On this particular day, the pirate was incredibly stressed out. He got into his car and turned on the radio. This wonderful song came on the radio:
This was incredible. Suddenly the pirate was an extreme state of relaxation. He wasn't completely sure of what the reggae man was saying, but he did know it had something to do with something coming back around. One can only assume that he was referring to the pumpkin muffin, currently available at Dunkin' Donuts. I bet that would taste really good with a Maple Cheddar Breakfast Sandwich. Oh wait, they don't have those anymore, my mistake. This story is not about how awesome that sandwich used to be and how heartbroken all the ninjas are now that they are no longer available. Go wait in line at McDonalds for a McGriddle you McLosers. Yes, that was incredible.
So all the pirates got together to wait for the football game to come on. What better thing to do than order a couple of pizzas and listen to some choice reggae music on the local radio station, Emerson College Radio 88.9 WERS. I mean, wow, what a radio station. Seven o'clock rolls around, oh wait, it's definitely reggae time. After that incredible Collie Buddz song came on, the pirates started to get worried. "What we be listenin' to when the commercial break be on", asked one drunken pirate moron. "Aye, the reggae be the only music for me, it reminds me of when we crash our pirate ships on some island and they are playing music and all the ladies be shaking their booties, yarrr". "Yarr, I also love old school hip-hop". "Aye, that's kind of a stretch, but partial credit", commented the pirate leader, the one and only Surly Blondbeard. "Yeah that has nothing to do with this story", added me, the narrator.
All of a sudden, the radio changes stations! "Yarr, who have the remote"?
After watching this video, you'll know that this work had nothing to do with pirates, most of which don't even know how to work a remote for a radio or CD player, let alone locate such a remote unless it was buried deep in the ocean blue or at the very least, located on some type of treasure map with the X marks the spot. This was the work of a band of ninja dance club masters, a band of ninja dance club masters so sinister that they would interrupt a perfectly good reggae pirate party in favor of some 17 year old kid dancing around like a nincompoop.
Note: As I write this, I just want to say that I haven't actually watched these videos. Chris Brown might be the greatest dancer the world has ever seen, I certainly hope he is. Regardless, this story must continue to be told, primarily because it is 100% true. And 200% awesome.
PART 2:
"We think that reggae is okay but it is terrible to dance to", said the lead ninja.
"What are you talking about landlubber, I'm dancing right now!!", a pirate responded.
"Perhaps you are not dancing but just swaying back and forth because you are on land right now and you are used to being on a ship which sways back and forth because the ship is on the sea and when you're on the ocean you get used to the swaying back and forth so it's not actually dancing that you're doing but you're actually just trying to keep your balance even though the floor isn't actually moving but you're just so used to the floor moving because the floor is actually on the ocean which has an abundance of waves and other moving activity", the ninja replied.
"Or perhaps I be drunk, smarty pants".
One of the ninjas just stood there drinking grape soda and eating Lays Classic potato chips.
"LADS, JUST PUT THE CURSED REGGAE BACK ON, IT WILL RELAX THIS BAND OF ANGRY NINJA DANCE MASTER KARATE LANDLUBBERS AND WE SHALL ENJOY THE SMOOTH RELAXING SOUNDS OF CARIBBEAN MUSIC ONCE AGAIN!", Surly Blondbeard exalted.
One pirate who was near the stereo punched the entire entertainment center and somehow, most likely related to Davey Jones' Locker, a giant TV shot out of the whole thing and this video came on, shocking the ninjas out of the pirate hang out for good: You gotta see this nonsense.
Holy ****....mmkay?
Part 3:
A thunderous roar emits from outside. It sounds like something has caused the greatest most powerful earthquake. The ground trembles below the pirate shack hangout and swords and skulls crash to the ground with all of the other ancient pirate memorabilia that the pirates have collected, stolen and ordered from Home Shopping Network over the years. A giant box filled with a 38 piece set of authentic pirate scimitars, rapiers and battle axes falls to the floor with a CLANG! So much cheap metal clanging against each other is like cat claws scraping against a chalkboard to the somewhat hard of hearing pirate gang. Windows begin breaking and doors begin shaking and the floor is earthquaking and the chicken pot pie in the oven keeps baking. Pirates make a pretty amazing chicken pot pie. Surprised you didn't know that.
A blinding light shines throughout the sky and something glows from underground. Someone knocks on the door. RAP RAP RAP on the front door. "Who ye be?!?!" cries the pirate who just lost control of himself. "Who...ye....be...?!?!".
RAP.
RAP.
RAP.
On the front door. "Tell me this instant, who ye be". The pirates hear a soft clicking and clacking, clicking and clacking, clicking and clacking from outside the front door. "WHO YE BE! WHO CAN IT BE?!?!"
RAP.
RAP.
Click clack click. Click clack click.
Click.
Clack.
"WE MUST PROTECT THIS HOUSE!", yelled the pirates in unison.
Click clack click. Click clack click.
WHAT YOU ARE ABOUT TO HEAR WILL CHANGE YOUR LIFE FOREVER. CLOSE THIS TALE NOW IF YOU CAN NOT LIVE WITH THIS FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. IF YOU CHOOSE TO PROCEED, WATCH THE VIDEO BEFORE YOU.
-He was born in outer space, and inherited some super powers from an alien lifeform that made him the greatest entertainer of all time.
-His albums didn't sell well here on Earth, but his album titled "Ken: by request only" has sold more times than any other album in the galaxy. He is a legend among far more intelligent alien beings.
- His music has helped spread intergalactic peace everywhere.
-He could stop global warming if he wanted to, but he really enjoys warm weather.
-Ken's album cover (pictured on this site) was named the worst album cover of all time, which is ironic because that determination was made on opposite day, making it the GREATEST album cover of all time for the greatest album of all time.
-Ken's helmet hair is stronger than steel. It is also the most fire resistant material ever found. The government wanted a piece of it to study it, but Ken wouldn't allow it, instead he dropkicked a bunch of people until everyone left him alone.
-Ken currently resides somewhere in Iowa. This is because no one really lives in Iowa, and Ken is such a phenomenal superstar, he must keep a low profile.
-If you ever stared Ken in the eyes, you would probably grow sideburns and a mustache. Or just die. But Ken doesn't look anyone in the eyes, even himself.
-Ken owns the largest collection of combs in the galaxy.
-He shares a lot in common with Superman, except Ken's superhero suit is made of polyester and looks way more sweet.
-If you play his music backwards, Ken will haunt your dreams forever.
Log - A book where all you pirates can write about your daily adventures. Don't forget to include dates, times and places. Oh yes, and NAMES!
(From "A Real Pirate Dictionary For Real Pirates")
"My story" by Surly Blondbeard
On a day like today, I be rather thankful that we pirates have these "Interwebs" to keep our logs of our daily adventures. I have been on many daring adventures lately, including a journey to New Hampshire and a riveting game of kickball. In addition, I had graced with my pirate presence a little something called the Sam Adams Beer Summit. Once I found out that there was a castle in Boston chock full of bountiful treasures such as grog and booty, I could not possibly resist.
However, I will not be writing about these tales today. In fact, I will most likely not remember any of them. Today I write about Talk Like A Pirate Day. Or maybe about buried treasure. Or maybe I'll begin writing me memoirs. Pirates always have the best memoirs. I mean, have you ever read a memoir written by a ninja? Exactly.
One time, a ninja read to me a story he wrote. It was a ghost story about a big bad ghost that haunted his dojo. The dojo landlord told all the ninjas that it was an ominous presence in the dojo that wanted the ninjas to train harder and sacrifice more of their monthly income for the dojo and the ghost master that haunted the ninjas from within the dojo walls. It was the bloody heater making that racket. For lack of a better term, ninjas are a bunch of ******s.
Anyways, I was going to write about Talk Like a Pirate Day. Can you believe that the Saints lost to the Buccaneers? I certainly can. They have a matey on that team named Cadillac. I don't know what that be, but it sounds like it's worth a lot of loot! I like the Buccaneers because they have no manners and they would be a fine crew for a pirate ship. And how about them Pirates? Yarrr, tis a terrible baseball club.
Talk Like A Pirate Day, right. What's the deal with OJ Simpson? Did someone really steal his sh*t? Don't blame the pirates on this one, matey. We was simply working our day jobs whilst those robberies took place. Why would pirates decide to plunder the memorabilia of your crazy arse anyways? Kind of like the time I stole that autograph of Walter Payton, or the time me and my fellow scallywags thrifted a giant Coffee Coolatta sign from Dunkin Donuts (which at the time, the pirates did not own).
Let me also take this opportunity to write about one of the finest swashbucklers around. His name is Surly Blondbeard. What a handsome lad! Yar, tis I. Ladies all around, I be here. I can grill a mean steak, as I did learn from the Buccaneers when they landed in the Caribbean and learned to cook steaks, a skill they translated into a pirate invention known as the "tailgate party". For you history buffs out there, the term tailgate party comes directly from pirate ships of yore.
Aye, t'isnt true. I made it all up. But I can still grill a mean steak. I don't remember what I was supposed to write about here, something special going on today but I simply cannot recall. Maybe it's the grog talking, but this log seems to be getting rather full. I shant write anymore, however this evening I might need to sing some sea shantys and go find some ninjas to make them walk the plank.
I hope to read some more stories from those landlubbin ninjas later on. If I remember any of my other stories, I will write them in the log for another day. In the meantime, please tell your fellow pirates (and even ninjas) on this day to read these stories and wish everyone a happy...now what the hell was today again? YARRR!!!
Awesome - everything on here is awesome, many other things are awesome, everything else sucks
B
Beast Mode - a spiritual and transcendental state of being, where you start to dominate at levels that cannot be recorded or even predicted. Things that may occur during Beast Mode include: death, destruction, total domination, logs found on top of fax machines, and much much more.
Blankday - when Blurnsday started to suck (and boy does it ever suck) it was renamed to Blankday. This is getting ridiculous. Anyways, it's probably going to get renamed into something equally as retarded next week. Stay tuned.
Blurnsday - formerly known as Tuesday, invented by Skippy and named by Archie to deny the existence of Tuesday
C
Celular - the name of our most awesome #1 fan.
D
Domination - one of the highest forms of winning
F
Final Jeopardy - when it's time not to give an answer, but ask the question...used often at 7:54pm on weeknights; sometimes closely related to laughing parties
H
Hippies - lamest form of life ever
L
Laughing party - Event that takes place when a ninja or pirate dude has an excellent, uh, sense of humor
N
Ninja- n., pl. ninja or -jas. A member of a class of 14th-century Japanese mercenary agents who were trained in the martial arts and hired for covert operations such as assassination and sabotage. They are known for their stealthiness and ability to flip out and kill people... besides that, they totally rock out hard, ripping guitar solos so sweet that it causes mass crapping of the pants. Their common enemy is the pirate.
T
Tuesday - something that sucks
Us...a couple of complete morons with computers. otherwise known as a terrible combination.
