Hey Ninja have we been receiving any ad money from this? Hand it over

Sincerely, the Pirate


Dear Pirate,

Please see our earnings report. Your check is in the mail.

Sincerely,
Ninja Master

This site is now for sale

According to the Internet, this site ranks a prestigious 9,106,543 in the United States and is worth a whopping $691.05
We will entertain any offers and the winner will be the highest bidder.

Where's my fifty dollars?

Please reply in the comments section and send us $100, we each need $50. Thank you and bless you.

2o0 pErCeNt aWeSoMe cOrp. copyright 2013

The Iron Sheik: The enemy or the friend?

There he is.  Iron Sheik.

He says things like this, on Twitter:

I am not sure how to react.  Either we befriend him, or apparently we go f*** ourselves.  If we become enemies, then I'm afraid we need to side with the craziest redneck of them all:

That's right folks.  Hacksaw Jim Duggan.

S my B's 2012

T'was the night before Christmas

T'was the night before Christmas
And all through the dojo
Pure silence. Meditation.
Listening to AC/DC on your iPod.
Getting ready for maybe the most epic battle of all time.
A battle so epic that the word "epic" looks like a pile of crap.
Apocalycious.
A whole clan of ninjas were hanging out in the trees.
Their katana blades and nunchucks were hung with care.
One of the ninjas had a Batman-style grappling hook belt.
Grappling hook belts are the best type of belt.
Any ninja would want a grappling hook belt for Christmas.
Don't be an idiot, just go down to Wal-Mart and buy one or something.

The pirates were all nestled and snug in their beds
Literally covered in the sexiest of Cuban babes
Sometimes you might see a red-head in there
Red-head pirate chicks with super hot bodies
Skilled in the ways of doing things and stuff
After plundering and being an epic pirate
Drinking rum and whiskey and dancing the Gangnam style
Because when you do that, hot chicks pay attention to you
"Surrender your booty, and sweet yoga pants by the way"
Chicks with yoga pants is always a win
Except when big redneck ladies wear them and their guts pop out.
Don't be an idiot, going down to Wal-Mart wearing huge yoga pants.

Anyways, it was Christmas eve and the pirates said "Wait!"
"I'm pretty sure they still sell booze there til 11"
And they had no idea that ninjas were on their way
Because ninjas know that pirates always run out of booze.
When they all got to Wal-Mart they didn't see each other yet.
But in a sea of zombies, they tried to find what they needed.
Zombies literally everywhere, or so they thought.
They had no idea what was going to happen at this point.
It was 10:40 which meant only 2 things.
First off, booze runs out in 20 minutes, holy crap.
And second off, Chuck Norris woke up from his 48 hour long nap.

*And now - the story of Christmas eve*

Pirates and ninjas were ready for a showdown
On the roof of a Wal-Mart during Christmas eve hoedown
The ninjas hid up in the rafters, and they heard a clatter
"What could it be?" said the pirate. "It doesn't matter"

They found dozens of Gatorade bottles, and cleaning supplies.
"There are rednecks here" the ninjas said with surprise.
Because everyone knows, every Jack, Jill and Beth
With these ingredients, the rednecks are making meth

The moon was shining, and moonshine was flowing
And in that Wal-Mart, some fat guy's thong was showing
Sure there were rednecks, but this was much less funny:
Outside there were hippies, asking for money

Now t'is the season for charity and a holiday wish
But not for smoking doobies and listening to Phish
Through the smoke my wandering eyes saw this appear:
A 1997 Ford Ranger and a bearded guy drinking a beer

Music filled the air like an angel's chorus
And the ninjas and pirates knew: Holy shit it's Chuck Norris!
Slowly approaching, zombie rednecks came
And Chuck Norris started roundhouse kicking each a-hole by name:

Here Cletus, Here Morris, Here Jim Tom, Here Dick
Here Tickle, Here Dingle, Here Billy Bob, Here Rick
"I'll kick you so hard that you'll crap your pants"
And to Chuck's disbelief, the hippies started to dance.

So the smell of incense only made him more pissed
And Chuck Norris proceeded to kiss them with his fist.
Flying through the air, each crappy hippie soared
All the way back to the drug paraphernalia store.

And then the children heard rocking up on the railing
The prancing of boots and of electric guitars wailing
Were the pirates and ninjas killing each other?
No! They were up there partying with one another

While the pirates were singing and pumping the kegs
Ninjas laughed so hard something was running down their legs
"Highway to Hell" and "Back in Black" blared
This made every redneck at Wal-Mart so scared

Because ninjas and pirates are the best around
And on each Christmas eve they take over the town
But Chuck Norris reminded us of Christmas spirit
"If you're a redneck or a hippie, I don't want to hear it"

Chuck Norris looked majestic and freakin' sweet
And he was jacked up cuz he just had 10 reindeer to eat
After going to the center of the earth to make love
And flying into asteroid belts up above

He said to the ninjas and pirates "Hey guys"
"Don't let these rednecks and hippies ruin Christmas"

THE END

Now if you're wondering why the poem stopped rhyming at the end, then you don't know anything about how Chuck Norris operates, and there's an infinity chance that you're dead at this point. Well, I hope you enjoyed this tale, Merry Christmas.

-Matt the Pirate
-Ninja Master

200% Awesome

What the crap?

I totally haven't posted on here in a wicked long time mostly because I've been doing important stuff like ripping sweet guitar solos and making pirates crap their pants and other sweet stuff that's so insane the Internet couldn't handle how awesome it is. Anyways, I'm here to tell you amigos that there is more to come. Stay tuned, and stock up on extra absorbent depends, you may need them.

A Sweet Comment

We got this comment from Anonymous, I felt like it needed to become an entry:

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Makes sense to me. Thanks Anonymous!

There is no more reason to post anything else after this. I believe this is my resignation. Thank you. -Matt the Pirate

Press Conference

BELAIR, California

My fellow Belairians, I would just like to briefly announce my full on retirement from Belairing. Many people have heard my story of how I became the prince of this town. One person even heard about the chilling tale that took place while I was shooting b-ball outside of my school. Those two guys were apprehended, however, I still feel uncomfortable in West Philadelphia. Which, as you know, is where I was born and raised.

As I sit on my throne, I regret only one thing. That my license plate does not say "FRESH". Which is why I would like to announce that I will only be travelling by cab from now on. I would like to formally apologize to the cabby for those harsh words I said to him that fateful afternoon, when I told him I would smell him later. Good sir, I would like to smell you for as long as I live in Belair.

In conclusion, I thank all of those who heard my story, you guys all got belaired pretty bad. And special thanks for Sam, because without his belairing, I would have never been where I am today.

On behalf of everyone in my kingdom, especially King Uncle Phil, and the Jeffs...DJ and Geoffrey...hell, even Carlton...thank you, and God bless Belair.

-Matt the Pirate, Fresh Prince of Belair

Best Belair So Far

Now I told this person yesterday that I had a story to tell. The person remembered, asked me about it, and then got the baddest belairing I've dished out to date:

M: hahaha
what was your story yesterday?
i wasn't really at my desk all afternoon
me: did C tell you about it, i told her
M: no
me: well let me tell you the story about yesterday
M: ok
me: my life literally got flipped
turned upside down
Sent at 11:19 AM on Friday
M: what happened?
Sent at 11:22 AM on Friday
me: id like to take a minute, sit right there
M: ok
me: I'll tell you how I became the prince of a town called Belair
Sent at 11:27 AM on Friday
M: HAHAHA
me: You just got belaired
Sent at 11:30 AM on Friday
M: hahahahahahha
me: How does it feel
M's new status message - Matt: You just got belaired 11:32 AM

Came out of retirement to Belair again

me: I never told you my story
k: haha
woops
me: its ok
it was pretty bad though
k: haha
what with childrens
were they like eh, we already have all this stuff
me: yeah it got all flipped turned upside down
k: haha huh?
me: you might want to sit down
k: haha
oo i am
me: and i
will tell you
how i became the prince of a town called BELAIR
k: haha shut up
me: OH you got BELAIRED
k: just tell me the darn story

Belaired 5

me: Ok this day has been crazy - I have a story for you
Sent at 1:52 PM on Thursday
T: okay
me: My life got flipped turned upside down
Sent at 1:54 PM on Thursday
T: why?
Sent at 1:57 PM on Thursday
me: Let me take a minute to explain, sit right there
T: haha okay
Sent at 2:00 PM on Thursday
me: I'll tell you how I became the prince of a town called Belair
Sent at 2:01 PM on Thursday
T: you kidding
me: lol yeah. you just got Belaired
T: hahaha what?
your weird
me: You thought I was telling a story, but the whole time I was just saying the theme song to Fresh Prince
Sent at 2:07 PM on Thursday
me: so you kinda fell for it, which means you got "belaired"
T: haha great
next time i will be ready for it though

Belaired IV

So I haven't talked to this girl in a while, great conversation starter apparently...

me: Ok this day has been crazy - I have a story for you
Sent at 1:52 PM on Thursday
x: can you hang on a sec?
i'll be back in a few.
me: k
Sent at 1:55 PM on Thursday
x: so what's up?
me: Well my life got flipped turned upside down today
x: and you weren't shooting b-ball outside the school?
me: not at this point no
but eventually that did happen
x: okay...continue.
me: oh no its no big deal
i was just going to tell you how i became the prince of a TOWN CALLED BELAIR
x: so that's the story?
me: yeah
you just got belaired
x: haha. okay then.
me: so.....hey how are ya?

Belaired Part...Threux

me: Ok this day has been crazy - I have a story for you
c: ok
me: My life has literally got flipped & turned upside down
Sent at 1:53 PM on Thursday
c: ok
me: I'd just like to take a second
Just sit right there
I'll tell you how I became the prince of a town called Belair
c: haha
in west philadelphia born and raised
me: you just got Belaired bitch
c: on a playground is where i spent most of my days
chillin' out maxin' relaxin' all cool

Belaired: Part Deux

Okay so then I tried belairing someone. Here's the first attempt:

m: hey did you hear what has happening in watertown?
s: yeah its crazy
m: i heard there were a couple of guys
m: they were up to no good
m: started makin trouble in the neighborhood
m: but then they got in one little fight and their mom got scared and said they were moving with their auntie and uncle in Belair
s: haha
s: fresh prince
s: love it
m: you just got belaired
m: how does that feel
s: haha
s: great

Revisiting 2008: Belaired

Ok so I got "belaired" today, here's the transcript:

Sam: hey man. do you have a second to listen to a story?
me: sure
Sam: it's a story about me and my life
me: im just coming back from lunch...go for it
Sam: and how it got all fipped upside down
this should only take a minute
you still there?
me: yeah hold on
Sam: okay
let me know when you're back and ready
me: k im here
i was on the phone
wait
what kind of story is this
Sam: nice, cause i'm about to tell you how i became
THE FRESH PRINCE OF BELAIR
me: oh thats great news
Sam: OH SNAPS YOU JUST GOT BEL-AIR'D
me: thats kinda lame
Sam: well it happened

Getting back to the ACDCs

Because a pirate alphabet goes A, C, D, and then C again. And then I forget the rest, shut the hell up. I will pirate hook the crap out of the Internet if that's what it takes. I haven't written a blog entry for a while and let me tell you why. You probably already know the answer. Hippies.

Here's a quick tale about how bad hippies suck. I was at Stop and Shop today. And you dum dums are probably asking oh hey what were you doing there and my answer is "What do you think?!".

So anyways, after I bought my box of Frosted Mini Wheats I walk out the door and I saw a hippie. I knew he was a hippie because he was holding a clipboard and he smelled like IT guys. I haven't been feeling well lately, so my ninja detection skills are down, but my hippie detection skills are forever. Because hippies are moronics. Good thing they aren't bionic, because let's face it, there is no man outside of Chuck Norris or all four of the ninja turtles that could possibly stop a bionic hippie. Okay I'm starting to feel emotional and I can't talk about bionic hippies any more.

Back to the task at hands, I used my peripherals and detected no ninjas. This is the first time I ever wished that a ninja was around, especially ninja master. Because let's face it, Ninja Master would have ran away scared back into Stop and Shop. And then I would have laughed and said "Oh man get a load of that ninja". But then I'd be surprised (not really but a little) that Ninja Master came back with a 2 liter bottle of Diet Mountain Dew. Except the 2 liter was EMPTY. And then after letting out the largest most astronomical belch of all time, the hippie would be destroyed by a stench greater than his own: the stench of beast mode.

After that awesome victory we'd go back into Stop and Shop victorious. That song by Muse would be playing, the one where the guy says WE. WILL. BE. VIC. TORIOUS. and all of the smokin' hot babes inside of Stop and Shop would be totally freaking out. And then oh man guess what would probably happen, the music inside of the food store would change into Rock Steady by the Whispers.

I should also add that the Stop and Shop I go to has a real guy that looks like Elvis. So I have the feeling that there could be tons more stories about this Stop and Shop. Alright that's really all I have for now, and may ever have.

Craigslist Rules

Ladies and gentlemen, here is a craigslist ad presented to me via facebook that I have since posted via twitter than I thank my friend who shall remain nameless for posting on his facebook originally. Myspace played no part in this, as Myspace sucks the big one. Anyways, here is the posting, since it will ultimately be deleted once the item is sold. The item in question is a 2005 Nissan Xterra being sold in the San Antonio area:

http://sanantonio.craigslist.org/cto/1257065913.html

QUOTE

OK, let me start off by saying this Xterra is only available for purchase by the manliest of men (or women). My friend, if it was possible for a vehicle to sprout chest hair and a five o'clock shadow, this Nissan would look like Tom Selleck. It is just that manly.

It was never intended to drive to northstar mall so you can pick up that adorable shirt at Abercrombie & Fitch that you had your eye on. It wasn't meant to transport you to yoga class or Bath & Body Works. No, that's what your Prius is for. If that's the kind of car you're looking for, then just do us all a favor and stop reading right now. I mean it. Just stop.

This car was engineered by 3rd degree ninja super-warriors in the highest mountains of Japan to serve the needs of the man that cheats death on a daily basis. They didn't even consider superfluous nancy boy amenities like navigation systems (real men don't get lost), heated leather seats (a real man doesn't let anything warm his butt), or On Star (real men don't even know what the hell On Star is).

No, this brute comes with the things us testosterone-fueled super action junkies need. It has a 265 HP engine to outrun the cops. It's got special blood/gore resistant upholstery. It even has a first-aid kit in the back. You know what the first aid kit has in it? A pint of whiskey, a stitch-your-own-wound kit and a hunk of leather to bite down on when you're operating on yourself. The Xterra also has an automatic transmission so if you're being chased by Libyan terrorists, you'll still be able to shoot your machine gun out the window and drive at the same time. It's saved my bacon more than once.

It has room for you and the four hotties you picked up on the way to the gym to blast your pecs and hammer your glutes. There's a tow hitch to pull your 50 caliber anti-Taliban, self cooling machine gun. I also just put in a new windshield to replace the one that got shot out by The Man.
My price on this bad boy is an incredibly low $10,900, but I'll entertain reasonable offers. And by reasonable, I mean don't walk up and tell me you'll give me $5,000 for it. That's liable to earn you a Burmese-roundhouse-sphincter-kick with a follow up three fingered eye-jab. Would it hurt? Hell yeah. Let's just say you won't be the prettiest guy at the Coldplay concert anymore.

There's only 69,000 miles on this four-wheeled hellcat from Planet Kickass. Trust me, it will outlive you and the offspring that will carry your name. It will live on as a monument to your machismo.

Now, go look in the mirror and tell me what you see. If it's a rugged, no holds barred, super brute he-man macho Chuck Norris stunt double, then contact me. I might be out hang-gliding or BASE jumping or just chilling with my ladies, but I'll get back to you. And when I do, we'll talk about a price over a nice glass of Schmidt while we listen to Johnny Cash.

To sweeten the deal a little, I'm throwing in this pair of MC Hammer pants for the man with rippling quads that can't fit into regular pants. Yeah, you heard me. FREE MC Hammer pants.

Rock on.

END QUOTE

If this guy wants to write for 200% Awesome he is welcome to step up to the plate any time, any place, Ninja Master will supply the camp site and the redneck babes, I will provide the Southern Comfort and the bean bag tic tac toe game. AWW YEAH DUDE!!

Chuck Norris Rules

Chuck Norris is so awesome. For those of you that follow 200% on Twitter, you may know that everybody was saying wicked awesome stuff about Chuck Norris. All day long I was thinking about cool stuff that Chuck Norris could do. Imagine if Chuck Norris was in the White House, he would be dominating. Imagine if Chuck Norris was in outer space, he would be punching aliens in the face and probably getting it on with female aliens causing their stomachs to explode with mini Chuck Norris things coming out of them. Then I thought about Chuck Norris in the UFC, oh man could you imagine if he put you in a sleeper hold and