T'was the night before Christmas

T'was the night before Christmas
And all through the dojo
Pure silence. Meditation.
Listening to AC/DC on your iPod.
Getting ready for maybe the most epic battle of all time.
A battle so epic that the word "epic" looks like a pile of crap.
Apocalycious.
A whole clan of ninjas were hanging out in the trees.
Their katana blades and nunchucks were hung with care.
One of the ninjas had a Batman-style grappling hook belt.
Grappling hook belts are the best type of belt.
Any ninja would want a grappling hook belt for Christmas.
Don't be an idiot, just go down to Wal-Mart and buy one or something.

The pirates were all nestled and snug in their beds
Literally covered in the sexiest of Cuban babes
Sometimes you might see a red-head in there
Red-head pirate chicks with super hot bodies
Skilled in the ways of doing things and stuff
After plundering and being an epic pirate
Drinking rum and whiskey and dancing the Gangnam style
Because when you do that, hot chicks pay attention to you
"Surrender your booty, and sweet yoga pants by the way"
Chicks with yoga pants is always a win
Except when big redneck ladies wear them and their guts pop out.
Don't be an idiot, going down to Wal-Mart wearing huge yoga pants.

Anyways, it was Christmas eve and the pirates said "Wait!"
"I'm pretty sure they still sell booze there til 11"
And they had no idea that ninjas were on their way
Because ninjas know that pirates always run out of booze.
When they all got to Wal-Mart they didn't see each other yet.
But in a sea of zombies, they tried to find what they needed.
Zombies literally everywhere, or so they thought.
They had no idea what was going to happen at this point.
It was 10:40 which meant only 2 things.
First off, booze runs out in 20 minutes, holy crap.
And second off, Chuck Norris woke up from his 48 hour long nap.

*And now - the story of Christmas eve*

Pirates and ninjas were ready for a showdown
On the roof of a Wal-Mart during Christmas eve hoedown
The ninjas hid up in the rafters, and they heard a clatter
"What could it be?" said the pirate. "It doesn't matter"

They found dozens of Gatorade bottles, and cleaning supplies.
"There are rednecks here" the ninjas said with surprise.
Because everyone knows, every Jack, Jill and Beth
With these ingredients, the rednecks are making meth

The moon was shining, and moonshine was flowing
And in that Wal-Mart, some fat guy's thong was showing
Sure there were rednecks, but this was much less funny:
Outside there were hippies, asking for money

Now t'is the season for charity and a holiday wish
But not for smoking doobies and listening to Phish
Through the smoke my wandering eyes saw this appear:
A 1997 Ford Ranger and a bearded guy drinking a beer

Music filled the air like an angel's chorus
And the ninjas and pirates knew: Holy shit it's Chuck Norris!
Slowly approaching, zombie rednecks came
And Chuck Norris started roundhouse kicking each a-hole by name:

Here Cletus, Here Morris, Here Jim Tom, Here Dick
Here Tickle, Here Dingle, Here Billy Bob, Here Rick
"I'll kick you so hard that you'll crap your pants"
And to Chuck's disbelief, the hippies started to dance.

So the smell of incense only made him more pissed
And Chuck Norris proceeded to kiss them with his fist.
Flying through the air, each crappy hippie soared
All the way back to the drug paraphernalia store.

And then the children heard rocking up on the railing
The prancing of boots and of electric guitars wailing
Were the pirates and ninjas killing each other?
No! They were up there partying with one another

While the pirates were singing and pumping the kegs
Ninjas laughed so hard something was running down their legs
"Highway to Hell" and "Back in Black" blared
This made every redneck at Wal-Mart so scared

Because ninjas and pirates are the best around
And on each Christmas eve they take over the town
But Chuck Norris reminded us of Christmas spirit
"If you're a redneck or a hippie, I don't want to hear it"

Chuck Norris looked majestic and freakin' sweet
And he was jacked up cuz he just had 10 reindeer to eat
After going to the center of the earth to make love
And flying into asteroid belts up above

He said to the ninjas and pirates "Hey guys"
"Don't let these rednecks and hippies ruin Christmas"

THE END

Now if you're wondering why the poem stopped rhyming at the end, then you don't know anything about how Chuck Norris operates, and there's an infinity chance that you're dead at this point. Well, I hope you enjoyed this tale, Merry Christmas.

-Matt the Pirate
-Ninja Master

200% Awesome