In the beginning...

I often sit and wonder how it all began. Everyone has their theories but I suppose we'll never truly know. However, there is one thing I am quite certain about. Pirates totally rock. Some people would completely disagree with this statement. Some people hold to the belief that pirates do not totally rock, people who will fight in the picket lines, people who fight by not supporting organizations that favor pirates, people who use violent measures to achieve their goals. Truly despicable individuals, hell-bent on supporting their cause no matter how radical it is, completely disregarding all things sacred, pure and true. These people are called ninjas.

It all started as a joke. It will certainly end that way too. Nevertheless, I have found that the majority of the people I have encountered through my travels have characteristics that coincide with those of a pirate or a ninja. Almost anyone that has any experience reading books, watching movies or playing those damn video games will tell you that a ninja and a pirate each have rather distinctive traits. Here is a story, possibly real, possibly an utter fabrication, of the day that I discovered that it was a pirate's life for me:

THE BIRTH OF 200% AWESOME

One sunny afternoon a long long time ago in a land far far away there was a guy who was totally awesome at street hockey. This guy's mom is French Canadian and if you didn't know about their street hockey, French Canadians are only the greatest street hockey players ever known in the whole world. One time I scored the sickest goals on this one other kid, then I scored like 12 more sick goals, he had no idea what was going on. Point is, people knew me, and I was kind of a big deal.

I guess now you have figured out that this legendary street hockey guy is me. One day I went to the place to play street hockey and there weren't any other kids. I thought to myself "This is the perfect time to work on some new tricks". So I worked on some new tricks. After this one trick where I faked out the goalie (imaginary, not real) so bad that I actually faked myself out (don't worry, I still scored the goal), I heard a song. I couldn't really make it out so I stopped skating around and listened.

DUN. DA DA DUN. DA DA DUN [REST REST]

NEER NEER NEER NE-NEER DA TA LA DUN.

DA DA DUN. DA DA DUN [REST] DA-DUN, DA-DUN DA-DUN DA-DUNN

Back in black. AC-DC. Rock.

So I immediately got back to skating and I came up with this move where I spun around with the puck between my skates, kicked the puck and then ripped the nastiest slapshot. I called it Back in Black. After a few times of mastering this maneuver, I yelled BACK IN BLACK! And immediately as I said that, I saw a ninja jump out of a tree. I said "Are you serious"? Three more ninjas jumped out. I asked them "Do you fellas wanna play some street hockey" and they all nodded "No". This might be the worst story I've ever told.

Let me wrap it up like this. I said "Hey ninjas, if you're looking for trouble, you guys need to put skates on and bring it on". That was probably the dumbest thing I could have possibly said. Why, as a reader, you might ask? Umm, only cuz these four ninjas were by far the speediest skaters I have ever seen in all of street hockey. Now I'll be the first to admit, I am not a fantastic skater. My stickhandling and slapshot ability is second to none. These guys were crazy, they were one man short of a flying V and coming right at me. I stood my ground but they turned away at the last second. I was definitely intimidated.

The weirdest thing happened right then and there. I started feeling a little bit different. I was scared and yet very calm. I somehow knew exactly what to do. At this point the ninjas were pretty much dominating in skating. It was cool like street hockey skating but also a little bit like men's or possibly couple's figure skating. I don't know what they call it when a man and a woman figure skate together but it definitely looked like that was happening. I skated over to my car and took my skates off. I had so much gear in the back of my car that day, it was my 1993 Buick Lesabre Custom Edition with fake leather seats, power windows, power locks, cruise control, so much leg room, totally in your face stereo system and everything else that a 65 year old man could possibly need in a large and luxurious automobile. I got in the driver's seat and put the key in the ignition. The engine roared, I felt like I was in a boat. I said to myself, "It's the Lesabre, le bateau. The boat". The pirate ship.

In one powerful stomp, I put the pedal to the metal and cruised onto the street hockey rink. While the ninjas were busy ice dancing on pavement, they looked to see an enormous dark cloud coming towards them. Le bateau was a glorious white when it was clean, today was not one of those glorious days. Without getting too graphic, the ninjas, well, lost control of themselves. They all ran away very embarrassed.

Nobody got hurt that day but I learned a valuable lesson. When you are in a situation that requires you to rise above and take it to the next level, it's much better to get in your pirate ship and take care of business than prance around on rollerblades in a ninja costume.

I win.

THE END

I don't remember what happened the rest of that day, pretty sure I went to White Hen Pantry and got myself a watermelon Slush Puppie, possibly some type of Snapple beverage, strawberry lemonade, you get the idea. Ever since that day, I have learned that whenever I handle a situation like a ninja would, things go bad. Whenever I handle a situation like a pirate would, things end up totally awesome. Now I told this story to a person who likes ninjas. I actually suspected this person was a ninja. I understood that ninjas think in a different way than pirates, so I asked him, "Hey do you want to write a blog together" and he said "yeah". I'm pretty sure he wrote a story about ninjas after that.

This blog will make you say "Hey that's pretty funny". This blog will make you say "These guys...SUCK". All I can really tell you is that this blog is: 200% Awesome.