So one day two cannibals were eating a clown. One of them asked the other "Hey does this taste funny to you?".
This is funny, because I say it's funny. To those of you who didn't laugh, I promise I will hunt you down and wait until you are in a dark alleyway and do a flying dropkick to your skull then tie you up and make you watch Kurt Cameron movies all day long until you bleed in the ears.
Have a nice day.
NM
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Monday, February 9, 2009
Episode I
6:51pm:
Woman: [CENSORED], can I help you?
Surly: Yes I'm looking for the man in charge of [CENSORED] please.
Woman: Is there anyone in particular you're looking for?
Surly: (trying not to laugh) Well, I'm calling from [CENSORED], you know, the [CENSORED]?
Woman: Oh of course, let me transfer you to Scott Harrison.
...to be continued...
Woman: [CENSORED], can I help you?
Surly: Yes I'm looking for the man in charge of [CENSORED] please.
Woman: Is there anyone in particular you're looking for?
Surly: (trying not to laugh) Well, I'm calling from [CENSORED], you know, the [CENSORED]?
Woman: Oh of course, let me transfer you to Scott Harrison.
...to be continued...
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
The Most Awesome Online Conversation Ever
Ninja: yo
Pirate: yo
Ninja: whats goin on?
Pirate: not too much...how about you?
Ninja: another day at work
Ninja has signed out. (1/14/2009 9:03 AM)
Ah Ninja...keeping it brief and then vanishing without a trace...
Pirate: yo
Ninja: whats goin on?
Pirate: not too much...how about you?
Ninja: another day at work
Ninja has signed out. (1/14/2009 9:03 AM)
Ah Ninja...keeping it brief and then vanishing without a trace...
Thursday, December 18, 2008
IT is awesome.
What is it? It's actually IT. Which stands for the two coolest things on earth (in the opinion of Napoleon Dynamite, Ninja Master and a bunch of other nerdalingers). Information. Technology. If I got this wrong, stop reading. If I got it right, prepare for hyperspeed because we're about to dig deep into some of the most righteous futuristic really cool stuff plus there's babes like that chick from Heavy Metal in there.
Alright...ready? HYPERSPEEEEEEEED
I work for the coolest company ever and I according to the Chief Master Warlord of Information Technology am the Bread Winner. This is correct. As shown by my fine collection of shirts and trophies and gold and babes. Soon I will have a pirate ship on wheels, also known as a Jeep Cherokee.
Other IT allstars include The Terminator and Joel. The Terminators name is not The Terminator but he sounds like him sometimes. How are ya? Sounds like Who are you? Also, I was telling him how awesome it was to close that big account in Chicago and he kept telling me to sh*t the fuck up and he asked me who my father was and what his profession was.
Joel is not named Joel but he looks like Joel would if Joel lived somewhere other than Joel's old town or Joel's new town. Joel is awesome, he hasn't worked here long but he looks like Joel. I'm gonna teach him to say stuff like Aww Yeah Dude.
Me: Joel whatssss happening
Joel: My name is (censored)
Me: Aww yeah dude!
Joel: Aww yeah dude? Are you retarded sir?
Me: Sweet you totally said aww yeah dude.
END OF STORY.
JOELLLLLL RETURN TO 200% AWESOME PLEEEASEEEEE
Alright...ready? HYPERSPEEEEEEEED
I work for the coolest company ever and I according to the Chief Master Warlord of Information Technology am the Bread Winner. This is correct. As shown by my fine collection of shirts and trophies and gold and babes. Soon I will have a pirate ship on wheels, also known as a Jeep Cherokee.
Other IT allstars include The Terminator and Joel. The Terminators name is not The Terminator but he sounds like him sometimes. How are ya? Sounds like Who are you? Also, I was telling him how awesome it was to close that big account in Chicago and he kept telling me to sh*t the fuck up and he asked me who my father was and what his profession was.
Joel is not named Joel but he looks like Joel would if Joel lived somewhere other than Joel's old town or Joel's new town. Joel is awesome, he hasn't worked here long but he looks like Joel. I'm gonna teach him to say stuff like Aww Yeah Dude.
Me: Joel whatssss happening
Joel: My name is (censored)
Me: Aww yeah dude!
Joel: Aww yeah dude? Are you retarded sir?
Me: Sweet you totally said aww yeah dude.
END OF STORY.
JOELLLLLL RETURN TO 200% AWESOME PLEEEASEEEEE
Friday, October 17, 2008
Friday of Excellence
So I was playing NBA Jam on Sega Genesis one day and I realized how totally sick the Charlotte Hornets were. Zo teamed up with Gram Ma Ma. Nobody can stop this. Oh let's go with the Phoenix Suns...Charles Barkley? Dan Majerle? Who's coming to play?! Depends on the version you have. Or the Seattle Supersucks. Shawn Kemp. Detlef Schrempf. Oh great now I'm totally gonna go on a tirade about Detlef Schrempf. That guy sucks so bad. That guy is the guy who's at the carnival and he says you're too short to ride that ride but really it's because the ninjas got real scared on the ride and they have difficulty dealing with their emotions.
In other news, the Red Sox are friggin awesome. Ever since they got rid of their head ninja, Manny Ramirez and allowed the rowdy pirates of Pedroia, Youkilis and basically the entire pitching staff take over, it's been ridiculous out there. JD DREW is amazing. Now don't get me wrong...a rowdy team of pirates needs a couple ninjas out there to level things out.
Jason Varitek. Jason Varitek is like David Carradine from Kung Fu. Or David Carradine from the Yellow Book commercials. Anyways, I really don't have time in my life to keep up with blogging. I play on the most ridiculous kickball team of all time, we are undefeated and we kick more balls than Rochambeau himself. I also have been meeting a lot of cool people in my journey, ninja siren babes who sing the most beautiful karaoke, bodacious pirate babes who used to wear eye patches, bartender ladies who remember my name and simply say "What the F*** Do you want Giorgio?!?!"
Things are really awesome. On this day. The Friday of Excellence. Which helps us remember that although Friday is a day of almighty beastmodical righteousness, it is on Sumday when the great gods of ninjas and pirates alike join forces together, in the high heavens, to drink Diet Mountain Dew and rip totally sick solos on their Fender Nashville style Telecasters with the Seymour Duncan hot rails built in for extra hard southern rock mind-bottling face melting heart shredding brain freezing quadricep crampening 29 minute long versions of 4 minute songs so that you think the next guy is gonna take the next solo but then all of a sudden he starts breaking into Frankenstein by Edgar Winter Group at which point you're pretty much in it for the long haul because the rock is like an invincible force field that's also invisible so you can't even see how awesome it is but you can definitely feel it just like on that episode of Lost where those giant metal things are like fences that you can't go through unless you're that bad guy on the others but he would totally die in the next season if he actually heard the type of guitar solos I am talking about here which would pretty much be the only way to end that show?! Oh and by the way, I've been working on some acoustic guitar riffs because to be honest, that's the coolest way to add on to your already massive pile of babes.
In other news, the Red Sox are friggin awesome. Ever since they got rid of their head ninja, Manny Ramirez and allowed the rowdy pirates of Pedroia, Youkilis and basically the entire pitching staff take over, it's been ridiculous out there. JD DREW is amazing. Now don't get me wrong...a rowdy team of pirates needs a couple ninjas out there to level things out.
Jason Varitek. Jason Varitek is like David Carradine from Kung Fu. Or David Carradine from the Yellow Book commercials. Anyways, I really don't have time in my life to keep up with blogging. I play on the most ridiculous kickball team of all time, we are undefeated and we kick more balls than Rochambeau himself. I also have been meeting a lot of cool people in my journey, ninja siren babes who sing the most beautiful karaoke, bodacious pirate babes who used to wear eye patches, bartender ladies who remember my name and simply say "What the F*** Do you want Giorgio?!?!"
Things are really awesome. On this day. The Friday of Excellence. Which helps us remember that although Friday is a day of almighty beastmodical righteousness, it is on Sumday when the great gods of ninjas and pirates alike join forces together, in the high heavens, to drink Diet Mountain Dew and rip totally sick solos on their Fender Nashville style Telecasters with the Seymour Duncan hot rails built in for extra hard southern rock mind-bottling face melting heart shredding brain freezing quadricep crampening 29 minute long versions of 4 minute songs so that you think the next guy is gonna take the next solo but then all of a sudden he starts breaking into Frankenstein by Edgar Winter Group at which point you're pretty much in it for the long haul because the rock is like an invincible force field that's also invisible so you can't even see how awesome it is but you can definitely feel it just like on that episode of Lost where those giant metal things are like fences that you can't go through unless you're that bad guy on the others but he would totally die in the next season if he actually heard the type of guitar solos I am talking about here which would pretty much be the only way to end that show?! Oh and by the way, I've been working on some acoustic guitar riffs because to be honest, that's the coolest way to add on to your already massive pile of babes.
Saturday, August 30, 2008
His name is now officially Chad Ocho Cinco
Is there a bigger pirate in all of professional sports? I think not...
http://sports.yahoo.com/nfl/news?slug=ap-bengals-ochocinco&prov=ap&type=lgns
Bengals WR Johnson reportedly changes name
Aug 29, 10:12 pm EDT
Buzz Up
Print
CINCINNATI (AP)—Maybe receiver Chad Johnson can go by the name that his head coach hates.
The Cincinnati Bengals receiver has legally changed his name to Chad Javon Ocho Cinco in Broward County, Fla., a switch that became official this week, according to several media reports. Johnson, who lives in Miami, didn’t return a message left on his cell phone Friday night.
“It’s something I don’t think anyone has ever done before,” he told the team’s Web site. “Have I ever had a reason for why I do what I do? I’m having fun.”
Two years ago, Johnson gave himself the moniker—a reference in Spanish to his No. 85—and put it on the back of his uniform before a game. Quarterback Carson Palmer ripped it off before the kickoff. After the season, coach Marvin Lewis—who dislikes Johnson’s attention-getting stunts—referred to the receiver as “Ocho Psycho.”
Bengals spokesman Jack Brennan said the Bengals had no comment on the matter.
Johnson has been a concern for the Bengals this season. He unsuccessfully lobbied for a trade in the offseason, threatening to sit out if he didn’t get his way. When the Bengals refused, he relented and showed up for minicamp, but complained that his right ankle was bothering him.
He had bone spurs removed from the ankle and was limited at the start of training camp. In the second preseason game, he landed awkwardly and temporarily dislocated his left shoulder. Johnson is wearing a harness and expects to play in the season opener against Baltimore.
http://sports.yahoo.com/nfl/news?slug=ap-bengals-ochocinco&prov=ap&type=lgns
Bengals WR Johnson reportedly changes name
Aug 29, 10:12 pm EDT
Buzz Up
CINCINNATI (AP)—Maybe receiver Chad Johnson can go by the name that his head coach hates.
The Cincinnati Bengals receiver has legally changed his name to Chad Javon Ocho Cinco in Broward County, Fla., a switch that became official this week, according to several media reports. Johnson, who lives in Miami, didn’t return a message left on his cell phone Friday night.
“It’s something I don’t think anyone has ever done before,” he told the team’s Web site. “Have I ever had a reason for why I do what I do? I’m having fun.”
Two years ago, Johnson gave himself the moniker—a reference in Spanish to his No. 85—and put it on the back of his uniform before a game. Quarterback Carson Palmer ripped it off before the kickoff. After the season, coach Marvin Lewis—who dislikes Johnson’s attention-getting stunts—referred to the receiver as “Ocho Psycho.”
Bengals spokesman Jack Brennan said the Bengals had no comment on the matter.
Johnson has been a concern for the Bengals this season. He unsuccessfully lobbied for a trade in the offseason, threatening to sit out if he didn’t get his way. When the Bengals refused, he relented and showed up for minicamp, but complained that his right ankle was bothering him.
He had bone spurs removed from the ankle and was limited at the start of training camp. In the second preseason game, he landed awkwardly and temporarily dislocated his left shoulder. Johnson is wearing a harness and expects to play in the season opener against Baltimore.
Thursday, August 28, 2008
The Daily Ninja Sermon
The following is an excerpt from the top Secret Ninja Book of Excellence, Chapter 23; verses 12-21.
12 And then the ninja flew through the air doing a triple axle into a crowd of hippies and kicked all their faces in until they exploded. 13 It was awesome. 14 And then the ninja ripped out a super sweet Gibson Les Paul and started playing "One" by Metallica, which is impressive because it's really hard, you would know that if you played it on Guitar Hero.
15 Then all the sudden Metallica got all pissed off because they get all pissy about copyrighting stuff and plus they suck and don't write good music anymore. 16 This started a great battle between the members of Metallica and the great Ninja, and the Ninja started to insult Metallica like real bad saying stuff like "you guys are a giant pile of SUCK". 17 Lars Ulrich responded by saying "No we don't.. you guys". And right there the Ninja did a sick guitar solo where he played Jimi Hendrix's Voodoo Child with his toes.
18 Metallica left in shame, hanging their heads and having to change their pants because they lost control and crapped all over the place. 19 Then the most massive pile of gold and babes dropped out of the sky and spread throughout the land. 20 This is the first occurrence of "gold" and "babes" ever recorded, given to us by the Great Ninja GOD. 21 Unfortunately with this came the first pirates, which have been after the gold and babes ever since.
The End.
12 And then the ninja flew through the air doing a triple axle into a crowd of hippies and kicked all their faces in until they exploded. 13 It was awesome. 14 And then the ninja ripped out a super sweet Gibson Les Paul and started playing "One" by Metallica, which is impressive because it's really hard, you would know that if you played it on Guitar Hero.
15 Then all the sudden Metallica got all pissed off because they get all pissy about copyrighting stuff and plus they suck and don't write good music anymore. 16 This started a great battle between the members of Metallica and the great Ninja, and the Ninja started to insult Metallica like real bad saying stuff like "you guys are a giant pile of SUCK". 17 Lars Ulrich responded by saying "No we don't.. you guys". And right there the Ninja did a sick guitar solo where he played Jimi Hendrix's Voodoo Child with his toes.
18 Metallica left in shame, hanging their heads and having to change their pants because they lost control and crapped all over the place. 19 Then the most massive pile of gold and babes dropped out of the sky and spread throughout the land. 20 This is the first occurrence of "gold" and "babes" ever recorded, given to us by the Great Ninja GOD. 21 Unfortunately with this came the first pirates, which have been after the gold and babes ever since.
The End.
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