This Blog is F*CKING AWESOME

You have got to be....f*cking kidding me.

This blog is approaching its one year anniversary, August 8th, 2008. 8/8/08 for those of you who can't read (or write). We have received zero awards. We have received zero offers to buy this website and all of its intellectual property. This is me, Surly Blondbeard, calling you out.

Me and my business partner, the somewhat present but always dominating Ninja Master, known to some as Joel, have dedicated hours and hours of company time towards compiling the most awesome things of all time on one easy to reference platform, the 200% Awesome blog. We are connected via Technorati (love you), Facebook (thanks for destroying my life), Myspace (you're like the Scott Baio of the Internet right now, step it up b*tch), and a whole bunch of other stuff.

I have been experiencing some hard times lately. Such as, oh let's take a look, I'm in a totally sick band now which pretty much dominates harder than an exploding volcano giving Cuban chicks laughing parties with its liquid hot MAGMA. I've also been drinking more. Eating less. Making mad bills. And I'm like this close to acquiring the greatest vehicle built by some of the greatest people on Earth. Thank you Sweden, and thank you Volvo.

So there you have it, I'm sick of this crap, I'm gonna go grab some sushi or a salad and flex my muscles all around town because it's lunchtime dammit. Somebody buy the 200% Awesome brand. It's a cash cow that makes the sweetest cash milk and the juiciest cash steaks. It's cash fed 200% Awesome cash beef. Oh baby I'm on fire right now. Thanks for reading. AWW YEAH DUDE.

Awesomely yours,
Matt the Bada$$ Surly Pirate

Imagination Station

Just a quick thought. A word to all readers, adults and children alike. Never give up on your imagination. It totally had your back when you were a kid and you had, like, NO cool toys. It totally had your back when you were in high school and you came up with dumb ways to get over the whole awkward "oh man I totally want to LP that chick but I'm pretty much the biggest MCA I know" (I need to update the glossary, this will make sense later). And for we, the "facebook generation", it totally has our back in coming up with innovative ways to find and maintain jobs, which is totally bogus because we are all brilliant morons with short attention spans. I am writing this on a Sunday night, but I will probably upload some stupid photos up during the busiest part of my work day tomorrow.

Anyways, I was originally going to make a post about the Boston Red Sox (simulcast with my other hit blog, "Tacoby Bellsbury", classifying both current and past Sox and their affiliations to the Ninja, Pirate, Hippie or Redneck sectors of Red Sox Nation. Instead, I wanted to take a moment to appreciate that my imagination has not died, I am not a complete mindless drone quite yet; I believe the fountain of youth really lies in the way you live. Keep the imagination running and take the time to "play" (music, sports, laughing parties, creating and maintaining awful websites, watching cartoons, you get the idea). I drink water and eat oranges at work because it reminds me of being a kid and playing soccer games during the weekend. I also happen to look and act like a six year old. Same difference.

Don't fret, that Red Sox blog will come soon, as will the reporting of one of the most epic quests a ninja has ever taken. I expect nothing less from a person whose imagination matches or exceeds my own. Most of the people that read this are, how I say, "special" just like the authors, but you know just keep up the creative imagination-y kid stuff and encourage others to do the same. Leave a comment or draw me a picture or something, whatever you do. Aww yeah dude.

Who do you want as President, a Ninja, Pirate or Hippie?

-Posted by N. Master, Sr. Correspondant for The Ninja Times

March 5, 2008

This article is awesome. Why? Well first, because I wrote it. Second, because it’s on this site. And mostly, because it’s about something no one has reported on before, and that is on the affiliations of all the major candidates running for President of the United States of America. See, every person is either a Pirate, Ninja, or Hippie. They can also be a redneck, but I’m pretty sure that only happens when people inbreed. Rednecks should never be elected to high offices, but it happens. In any case, I wanted to inform you of the implications of the stances of each of the candidates, not so much on issues like immigration or taxes or on the war or healthcare, but things like who has the best nun chuck skills. Or who can drink a whole bottle of rum and still be able to make a pile of stolen gold and babes into a pyramid. Stuff like that. Aren’t you so glad you’re reading this? Yeah, you are. So anyways, I got to talk to Senators Clinton, Obama, and McCain. IT was awesome. And you will find out who is what, and what they will do if elected President.

I first asked Ninja-Senator Barack (if you say his middle name he’ll pile drive you into an erupting volcano- trust me, I know from experience) Obama what the first thing he would do once elected as President. “Oh that’s a friggin easy one. First, I would throw a ninja star real hard. So hard that it would travel into outer space and land somewhere in Pakistan or Afghanistan and kill Osama Bin Laden. That’s how sweet my ninja star skills are. And then I’ll do a sick guitar solo, lasting approximately three days and people can come party at the oval office. It’ll be the sweetest party of all time”

When asked about how he views chuck Norris, Obama answered “I have great respect and admiration for Mr. Norris. And although we don’t agree on all things, we share a common goal, and that is to be the greatest ninjas ever… and also to destroy stuff, especially hippies everywhere. It’s because of this that I plan on making Chuck Norris my Secretary of Roundhouse Kicks and Hippie Affairs. Together, we will roundhouse kick North Korea, and then Iran, which will lead to World Peace. Afterwards we’ll eat some delicious nachos.”

But before Obama can even start thinking about the White House, he must first beat out the Super Hippie candidate, Mrs. Hillary Clinton. I asked Clinton about Senator Obama, and her plan on beating him to secure the nomination, to which she responded “hey, do you have any more Spicy Nacho Doritos?”. When I said, no, she told me that it was her primary objective to give every American as much Spicy Nacho Doritos as they wanted. She then proceeded to dance around like an idiot for several hours to some hippie music. I’m pretty sure she had no idea where she was or what she was doing. Hippies do that most of the time, or so I am told.

John McCain, the Pirate candidate, seemed to be very confident in his ability to win the Presidency. When asked how his policies differ from both Obama and Clinton’s, he responded “the problem we have is that we are losing all our gold and babes. It’s all going to China, and the Chinese are having ridiculous parties because they steal our gold, and then our babes, and then they just party REAL hard. They are better pirates than us, because they like educate their people to be pirates, it’s crazy. Obama can talk all he wants about roundhouse kicking the North Koreans, and Clinton can give us all the Spicy Nacho Doritos that Americans clearly crave, but come on people! We NEED gold and babes! It’s what makes America great, that and Bon Jovi’s breakthrough album “Slippery When Wet”. I could rock out to that like all day while drinking some sweet rum. Aw yeah dude. What were we talking about again?”

So there you have it. If you read this whole story, then you are completely (at LEAST 200%) better educated on the candidates than you were before. And you have all the info you need to make your decision when it comes time to vote for whatever Ninja, Pirate, or Hippie you choose. And if you feel differently you can get the heck off this site, because you suck at life. Better luck not sucking elsewhere.

So True

Enough Said.

Losing

This doesn't describe this site... in fact it's the exact opposite of what we do. But this poster describes most of the other stupid blogs out there. And to them I say, you guys are really terrific..... at losing.

What Our Cars Look Like

Skippy's Nissan Sentra and Archie's Toyota Tercel. Because we are the sh*t.

Happy Non-Blurnsday

First of all, just wanted to let you all know that I survived Blurnsday (formerly known as Tuesday) once again. Also, I did not spontaneously combust due to burning rage, and I did not ragify into Beast Mode and do a combo dropkick-piledriver move on Brittany Spears, instantly destroying her (though I really wanted to).
No, my Blurnsday was much more subdued. But even though it is no longer known as Tuesday, which is by far the most evil day of the week, I am still glad it is over. See, I thought I could destroy the whole idea of Tuesday forever by making it NOT Tuesday, and into a whole new day known as Blurnsday. But, in fact, Blurnsday also sucks, and I already hate the day known as Blurnsday. So next week, I shall call it Blankday. So if I don't see you next week, have a very safe and happy Blankday... because I know I sure as heck won't.