Who do you want as President, a Ninja, Pirate or Hippie?

-Posted by N. Master, Sr. Correspondant for The Ninja Times

March 5, 2008

This article is awesome. Why? Well first, because I wrote it. Second, because it’s on this site. And mostly, because it’s about something no one has reported on before, and that is on the affiliations of all the major candidates running for President of the United States of America. See, every person is either a Pirate, Ninja, or Hippie. They can also be a redneck, but I’m pretty sure that only happens when people inbreed. Rednecks should never be elected to high offices, but it happens. In any case, I wanted to inform you of the implications of the stances of each of the candidates, not so much on issues like immigration or taxes or on the war or healthcare, but things like who has the best nun chuck skills. Or who can drink a whole bottle of rum and still be able to make a pile of stolen gold and babes into a pyramid. Stuff like that. Aren’t you so glad you’re reading this? Yeah, you are. So anyways, I got to talk to Senators Clinton, Obama, and McCain. IT was awesome. And you will find out who is what, and what they will do if elected President.

I first asked Ninja-Senator Barack (if you say his middle name he’ll pile drive you into an erupting volcano- trust me, I know from experience) Obama what the first thing he would do once elected as President. “Oh that’s a friggin easy one. First, I would throw a ninja star real hard. So hard that it would travel into outer space and land somewhere in Pakistan or Afghanistan and kill Osama Bin Laden. That’s how sweet my ninja star skills are. And then I’ll do a sick guitar solo, lasting approximately three days and people can come party at the oval office. It’ll be the sweetest party of all time”

When asked about how he views chuck Norris, Obama answered “I have great respect and admiration for Mr. Norris. And although we don’t agree on all things, we share a common goal, and that is to be the greatest ninjas ever… and also to destroy stuff, especially hippies everywhere. It’s because of this that I plan on making Chuck Norris my Secretary of Roundhouse Kicks and Hippie Affairs. Together, we will roundhouse kick North Korea, and then Iran, which will lead to World Peace. Afterwards we’ll eat some delicious nachos.”

But before Obama can even start thinking about the White House, he must first beat out the Super Hippie candidate, Mrs. Hillary Clinton. I asked Clinton about Senator Obama, and her plan on beating him to secure the nomination, to which she responded “hey, do you have any more Spicy Nacho Doritos?”. When I said, no, she told me that it was her primary objective to give every American as much Spicy Nacho Doritos as they wanted. She then proceeded to dance around like an idiot for several hours to some hippie music. I’m pretty sure she had no idea where she was or what she was doing. Hippies do that most of the time, or so I am told.

John McCain, the Pirate candidate, seemed to be very confident in his ability to win the Presidency. When asked how his policies differ from both Obama and Clinton’s, he responded “the problem we have is that we are losing all our gold and babes. It’s all going to China, and the Chinese are having ridiculous parties because they steal our gold, and then our babes, and then they just party REAL hard. They are better pirates than us, because they like educate their people to be pirates, it’s crazy. Obama can talk all he wants about roundhouse kicking the North Koreans, and Clinton can give us all the Spicy Nacho Doritos that Americans clearly crave, but come on people! We NEED gold and babes! It’s what makes America great, that and Bon Jovi’s breakthrough album “Slippery When Wet”. I could rock out to that like all day while drinking some sweet rum. Aw yeah dude. What were we talking about again?”

So there you have it. If you read this whole story, then you are completely (at LEAST 200%) better educated on the candidates than you were before. And you have all the info you need to make your decision when it comes time to vote for whatever Ninja, Pirate, or Hippie you choose. And if you feel differently you can get the heck off this site, because you suck at life. Better luck not sucking elsewhere.

So True

Enough Said.

Losing

This doesn't describe this site... in fact it's the exact opposite of what we do. But this poster describes most of the other stupid blogs out there. And to them I say, you guys are really terrific..... at losing.

What Our Cars Look Like

Skippy's Nissan Sentra and Archie's Toyota Tercel. Because we are the sh*t.

Happy Non-Blurnsday

First of all, just wanted to let you all know that I survived Blurnsday (formerly known as Tuesday) once again. Also, I did not spontaneously combust due to burning rage, and I did not ragify into Beast Mode and do a combo dropkick-piledriver move on Brittany Spears, instantly destroying her (though I really wanted to).
No, my Blurnsday was much more subdued. But even though it is no longer known as Tuesday, which is by far the most evil day of the week, I am still glad it is over. See, I thought I could destroy the whole idea of Tuesday forever by making it NOT Tuesday, and into a whole new day known as Blurnsday. But, in fact, Blurnsday also sucks, and I already hate the day known as Blurnsday. So next week, I shall call it Blankday. So if I don't see you next week, have a very safe and happy Blankday... because I know I sure as heck won't.

Dead Rising and Jazzercising

8:00am. Alarm blares in my face. Shower. Change clothes. And go.


9:00am. Arrive at work. Re-acquaint self with the domination station. Fiercely prepare for the most dominant and beastmodical work day of all time. Mental gymnastics. Calisthenics. Check email.


9:57am. Senior citizens in building space below us begin pumping Eastern European techno tracks through their subwoofers.


9:58am. The sound of old people clogs stomping on parkay type dance floor resonates upward into my cubicle.

This has been my day so far. "Happy Monday".

Domination Station

There are times in every man's life when they have an epiphany, a realization of greatness that transcends normal human understanding. OK, so maybe not every man has these moments, especially not hippies (though they think they have them all the time) but my point is that just now I came up with the most incredible idea. My idea is about video games. See, most video games and video game consoles suck. In fact, they are entirely too easy and not nearly exciting enough. This is what makes ninjas flip out and kill people: they go on their PS2, play for like 5 minutes get really bored and go into beast mode (specifically the bad, destructive beast mode which ends in death and suffering, not the good kind which... I'll get into that at a latter time) and that's when stuff dies. It is because of this that office buildings everywhere have weekly incidents of giant logs being found on top of fax machines (that joke just never gets old). Ninjas are a pissed off group of people, but usually a pissed off ninja can be dealt with. A Ninja in Beast Mode, however, requires an extreme amount of force to be brought down, and I mean EXTREME. Like, more than a regular radioactive panther... more like a pre-historic mutant hippopotamus on crack, with razor sharp antlers. And I'm pretty sure the ninja would still kill it, he would just get slowed down a little. That's a great idea for a new picture by the way.... I impress myself everday.



In any case, it's extremely important that we, as a human race, develop a video game system that will satisfy the needs of ninjas everywhere. Video games are vital in the daily lives of ninjas, and ninjas love their video games just as hippies love to smoke doobies and pirates love drinking rum getting really rowdy. So, what's the answer to this dilemma? The DominationStation. Unlike the PlayStation, where you only PLAY video games, this avails every willing participant (albeit a participant with a certain amount of skill) to DOMINATE. The games will be realistic and awesome, and the controllers will allow the user to go into BEAST MODE after attaining a certain level of dominance, at which point they pull the BEAST MODE lever, delivering them into an inexplicable world of awesomeness. Does this sound intense? It's more intense than a ninja who just chugged a baker's dozen Diet Mountain Dews, and that's actually clinically proven to be true.

Also, the DominationStation won't have any numbers, like Playstation2 or 3.... NO. There is only ONE, and it NEVER needs to be updated.

Right now the Domination Station is just in its test phases, and all progress on it has been kept secret. If it falls into the wrong hands, devastating things can happen. For instance, only ninjas can posses the Domination Station. If a Hippie gets one, he or she will hook it up, totally suck at playing and then realize that it's too awesome for them,. They will then try to return it and say that it's the evil corporation's fault or some other nonsense like that. Pirates also can't use the DominationStation, partially because they are usually too inebriated to even hook it up. In any case, it's only for Ninjas, because it fulfills the requirement for Video Game BeastMode, which is one of the many forms of beast mode. Others include Destructive beast mode (where you get super pissed off and start destroying stuff), Final Jeopardy beast mode (and since this is a family weblog, I won't elaborate but it's awesome) and General beast mode (where you are just rocking and dominating and you realize that stuff is dying around you). So yeah, this is a really great invention. I will use the latest, cutting edge technology (Microsoft paint) to draw a picture of the prototype, controller and all. I have a feeling that this invention will really take off, and I may even make tens of dollars from this, which would be awesome. So keep an eye out for the DominationStation, which may make me rich enough to move out of my van, who knows?

Later.