Domination Station

There are times in every man's life when they have an epiphany, a realization of greatness that transcends normal human understanding. OK, so maybe not every man has these moments, especially not hippies (though they think they have them all the time) but my point is that just now I came up with the most incredible idea. My idea is about video games. See, most video games and video game consoles suck. In fact, they are entirely too easy and not nearly exciting enough. This is what makes ninjas flip out and kill people: they go on their PS2, play for like 5 minutes get really bored and go into beast mode (specifically the bad, destructive beast mode which ends in death and suffering, not the good kind which... I'll get into that at a latter time) and that's when stuff dies. It is because of this that office buildings everywhere have weekly incidents of giant logs being found on top of fax machines (that joke just never gets old). Ninjas are a pissed off group of people, but usually a pissed off ninja can be dealt with. A Ninja in Beast Mode, however, requires an extreme amount of force to be brought down, and I mean EXTREME. Like, more than a regular radioactive panther... more like a pre-historic mutant hippopotamus on crack, with razor sharp antlers. And I'm pretty sure the ninja would still kill it, he would just get slowed down a little. That's a great idea for a new picture by the way.... I impress myself everday.



In any case, it's extremely important that we, as a human race, develop a video game system that will satisfy the needs of ninjas everywhere. Video games are vital in the daily lives of ninjas, and ninjas love their video games just as hippies love to smoke doobies and pirates love drinking rum getting really rowdy. So, what's the answer to this dilemma? The DominationStation. Unlike the PlayStation, where you only PLAY video games, this avails every willing participant (albeit a participant with a certain amount of skill) to DOMINATE. The games will be realistic and awesome, and the controllers will allow the user to go into BEAST MODE after attaining a certain level of dominance, at which point they pull the BEAST MODE lever, delivering them into an inexplicable world of awesomeness. Does this sound intense? It's more intense than a ninja who just chugged a baker's dozen Diet Mountain Dews, and that's actually clinically proven to be true.

Also, the DominationStation won't have any numbers, like Playstation2 or 3.... NO. There is only ONE, and it NEVER needs to be updated.

Right now the Domination Station is just in its test phases, and all progress on it has been kept secret. If it falls into the wrong hands, devastating things can happen. For instance, only ninjas can posses the Domination Station. If a Hippie gets one, he or she will hook it up, totally suck at playing and then realize that it's too awesome for them,. They will then try to return it and say that it's the evil corporation's fault or some other nonsense like that. Pirates also can't use the DominationStation, partially because they are usually too inebriated to even hook it up. In any case, it's only for Ninjas, because it fulfills the requirement for Video Game BeastMode, which is one of the many forms of beast mode. Others include Destructive beast mode (where you get super pissed off and start destroying stuff), Final Jeopardy beast mode (and since this is a family weblog, I won't elaborate but it's awesome) and General beast mode (where you are just rocking and dominating and you realize that stuff is dying around you). So yeah, this is a really great invention. I will use the latest, cutting edge technology (Microsoft paint) to draw a picture of the prototype, controller and all. I have a feeling that this invention will really take off, and I may even make tens of dollars from this, which would be awesome. So keep an eye out for the DominationStation, which may make me rich enough to move out of my van, who knows?

Later.

Winter X Games

Just wanted to take a quick minute to remind all of our fans, pirates and ninjas alike, that the Winter X Games are totally awesome. This is the kind of stuff that people need to be doing to prolong the existance of awesome crap in our society. Being awesome is a privilege, not a right, and you need to take advantage of all the privileges you have in life. I mean, you're not a hippie, are you?

Year of the Awesome

Here's the deal a******s:

2007 was the crappiest piece of crap year that the world ever crapped out of its pants. I mean sure there were a few things that made 2007 spectacular. Last year was nothing more than a set-up for what is about to happen in 2008. This is why I have decided to do what had to be done: set my 2008 new years resolutions.

In fact, I think that resolution in itself is a crappy word that sucks. The lifeless losers at Webster's define "resolution" as the act or process of resolving: as a: the act of analyzing a complex notion into simpler ones b: the act of answering : solving c: the act of determining d: the passing of a voice part from a dissonant to a consonant tone or the progression of a chord from dissonance to consonance or more ridiculous crap which basically just means I haven't won yet and I probably will never ever win in the history of the universe.

Safe to say, if you're a katana wielding bridge jumping off train jumping on swan diving triple flipping dagger throwing book of secret totally sick moves writing book of secret totally sick moves reading mathematically discovering the formula for how Chuck Norris kicks faces off discovering AC/DC cranking meditating over herbal tea and pictures of Jessica Biel transcendentalizing...fundamentally dominant ninja...

You're not gonna walk past a fax machine without dropping a monster log on it.

And I'm pretty sure it goes without saying if you are a rum guzzling beard stroking parrot training bow and arrow wielding monkey training alligator wrestling broken bottle of gin used as a weapon stabbing barrel rolling cannon loading cannon shooting cannon throwing over a boat-ing Cannonball Run watching Run DMC listening knives sharpening belt loosening dart throwing pool playing chair breaking radiator defenestrating......intrinsically beastmodical pirate...

You're gonna put up with this caca.

2007.

Worst year in the world.

Until the birth of 200% Awesome.

This is the first full year of 200% Awesome coming up so I think it's only fair that certain resolutions be made. But since resolution isn't awesome enough, we need only to come up with a new word for this list of goals to be achieved by year's end.

The Hunt For Red Bag of Doritos

EPISODE I: THE PHANTOM TORTILLAS

In the winter of 2007, there was a land of great prosperity, a place where millions of dollars were made and the freshest coffee of all the land flowed like wine from magical mountains. There was a place where one could retreat from the hustle and bustle of everyday life and refresh their bodies, reflect with their minds and rejuvenate their souls.

Sure, this was just an office break room but to some individuals it was so much more. This was a place where a man could construct a breakfast out of the previously described nectar of the coffee gods along side a hearty wheat based salty meal product which the natives called "pretzel rods". Fascinating stuff. This was a place where men and women discussed their well made plans for the weekends, a location where people brought together the elements of water, fire and the microwave to heat up their lunches and feast upon the bounty of Lean Cuisines and Hot Pockets. A place like this was truly sacred.

All was well, all was merry, everyday was a holiday...until one day...fate placed its hand upon the most sacred of artifacts to be found in this treasure cove: the vending machine.

WILL THEY EVER REMOVE THE DORITOS FROM THE VENDING MACHINE? WILL EVERYONE DRINK SO MUCH COFFEE THAT THEY GO COMPLETELY CRAZY? WHAT'S THE DEAL WITH EATING PRETZEL RODS FOR BREAKFAST?

STAY TUNED FOR EPISODE 2 OF: THE HUNT FOR RED BAG OF DORITOS

Welcome to 200% Awesome, Again (More Ninja and Pirate Excellence)

There has been a delay in our posts lately due to Thanksgiving related Beast Mode, also due to a massive amount of domination and disrespect throughout the land. Soon you will hear the tale of how the ninjas saved Thanksgiving, the never ending battle against the Hippies, how Guitar Hero destroyed one pirate's personal life and several other totally intense awesomeness-laden posts in what has already been nominated Most Dominant and Totally Awesome Website of 2007.

Thank you for your ongoing support. For those of you who have never visited this site, I suggest you start at the beginning. Read the earliest post and find out how 200% Awesome came to existence. Oh yes, there are many theories as to how this all took place, but in actuality there is only one. Well okay, there's pretty much two ways of how this ish went down.

Swashbuckingly yours,
Surly Blondbeard

Our New Game! Pick 3 Minions!

Let's say you were the CEO of a multinational organization, you are big time, I mean big pimpin' spendin' G's, you would have a right hand man, nay you would have two minions like the bad guy in Princess Bride, NAY, you would have 3 minions to do your bidding, and you would need to make sure that you had a well-rounded staff, 3 minions to really get it all done for you and your multinational corporation.

We invite all of you to play, please invite all of your friends to play, tell them to invite all of their friends to play, quite frankly everybody needs to go on this website and tell us who your 3 minions would be.

One suggestion: Get some eye candy, some brawn, some brains.












But you can set this thing up however you want...leave comments on this blog and maybe we'll set up a site in the future featuring all of the best minion collections. After all, what is a CEO of a multinational corporation, or an actor, or a rock star, a rapper, anybody who's anybody, without their entourage?

Pick 3 Minions. Pass it on.

Surly Pirate Doing a Jig

My crazy pirate friend is working on an excellent article pertaining to Beast Mode (which I am awaiting with anticipation) but in the mean time, I thought it would be appropriate to post a picture of a surly pirate doing a jig in New York City next to a homeless saxaphone player. I can't think of a more suitable picture that fully encompasses everything about Pirates, and the art of Piracy. Enjoy.