China Grove Intro

This is basically what a ninja looks like when rocking out the intro to "China Grove" by The Doobie Brothers.



I know this because this photo was taken on a cell phone.

Then the cell phone exploded.

Ninja Dance Hall Reggae Pirate Dub Sound System parts 1 2 & 3

DO NOT READ THIS STORY IF YOU CAN NOT ACCESS YOUTUBE VIDEOS. WAIT UNTIL YOU HAVE ACCESS TO THE VIDEOS BEFORE READING THIS STORY. THANK YOU.


Warning: This Blog Contains Awesome Music Videos Which May Explode Your Face

One incredibly rambunctious day there was a pirate who worked harder than any other pirate on any other day in the history of pirates. This is the story of that pirate and that hard working day. This is the story of how ninjas try to ruin a perfectly good pirate party. This is a story that should be made into a movie solely because of its soundtrack. And its special effects. And its heartfelt drama. And its totally sick action scenes. This movie would be so sick that it would top the box office charts, win a crap load of awards and stuff, plus you would be able to get a toy from the movie with a purchase of a Kids Meal at Burger King. And not like a lame toy either but one of the really cool ones, maybe even a DVD or like an MP3 player or something, at the very least it would be a really awesome action figure, but not a lame action figure but one that did something cool, not just stand there and do nothing. Those are the kinds of kids meal toys that end up at yard sales, this movie would produce collectible kids meal toys.


PART 1:


So this pirate was working his booty off just to make enough loot to pay for his grub and pay for his rent. As you probably know, pirates love to party a lot more than they like to work. At the end of a long day at work, a pirate likes to enjoy a pint of ale or possibly just sit out on the deck and enjoy some sun. On this particular day, the pirate was incredibly stressed out. He got into his car and turned on the radio. This wonderful song came on the radio:

This was incredible. Suddenly the pirate was an extreme state of relaxation. He wasn't completely sure of what the reggae man was saying, but he did know it had something to do with something coming back around. One can only assume that he was referring to the pumpkin muffin, currently available at Dunkin' Donuts. I bet that would taste really good with a Maple Cheddar Breakfast Sandwich. Oh wait, they don't have those anymore, my mistake. This story is not about how awesome that sandwich used to be and how heartbroken all the ninjas are now that they are no longer available. Go wait in line at McDonalds for a McGriddle you McLosers. Yes, that was incredible.

So all the pirates got together to wait for the football game to come on. What better thing to do than order a couple of pizzas and listen to some choice reggae music on the local radio station, Emerson College Radio 88.9 WERS. I mean, wow, what a radio station. Seven o'clock rolls around, oh wait, it's definitely reggae time. After that incredible Collie Buddz song came on, the pirates started to get worried. "What we be listenin' to when the commercial break be on", asked one drunken pirate moron. "Aye, the reggae be the only music for me, it reminds me of when we crash our pirate ships on some island and they are playing music and all the ladies be shaking their booties, yarrr". "Yarr, I also love old school hip-hop". "Aye, that's kind of a stretch, but partial credit", commented the pirate leader, the one and only Surly Blondbeard. "Yeah that has nothing to do with this story", added me, the narrator.

All of a sudden, the radio changes stations! "Yarr, who have the remote"?



After watching this video, you'll know that this work had nothing to do with pirates, most of which don't even know how to work a remote for a radio or CD player, let alone locate such a remote unless it was buried deep in the ocean blue or at the very least, located on some type of treasure map with the X marks the spot. This was the work of a band of ninja dance club masters, a band of ninja dance club masters so sinister that they would interrupt a perfectly good reggae pirate party in favor of some 17 year old kid dancing around like a nincompoop.

Note: As I write this, I just want to say that I haven't actually watched these videos. Chris Brown might be the greatest dancer the world has ever seen, I certainly hope he is. Regardless, this story must continue to be told, primarily because it is 100% true. And 200% awesome.

PART 2:

"We think that reggae is okay but it is terrible to dance to", said the lead ninja.

"What are you talking about landlubber, I'm dancing right now!!", a pirate responded.

"Perhaps you are not dancing but just swaying back and forth because you are on land right now and you are used to being on a ship which sways back and forth because the ship is on the sea and when you're on the ocean you get used to the swaying back and forth so it's not actually dancing that you're doing but you're actually just trying to keep your balance even though the floor isn't actually moving but you're just so used to the floor moving because the floor is actually on the ocean which has an abundance of waves and other moving activity", the ninja replied.

"Or perhaps I be drunk, smarty pants".

One of the ninjas just stood there drinking grape soda and eating Lays Classic potato chips.

"LADS, JUST PUT THE CURSED REGGAE BACK ON, IT WILL RELAX THIS BAND OF ANGRY NINJA DANCE MASTER KARATE LANDLUBBERS AND WE SHALL ENJOY THE SMOOTH RELAXING SOUNDS OF CARIBBEAN MUSIC ONCE AGAIN!", Surly Blondbeard exalted.

One pirate who was near the stereo punched the entire entertainment center and somehow, most likely related to Davey Jones' Locker, a giant TV shot out of the whole thing and this video came on, shocking the ninjas out of the pirate hang out for good: You gotta see this nonsense.



Holy ****....mmkay?

Part 3:

A thunderous roar emits from outside. It sounds like something has caused the greatest most powerful earthquake. The ground trembles below the pirate shack hangout and swords and skulls crash to the ground with all of the other ancient pirate memorabilia that the pirates have collected, stolen and ordered from Home Shopping Network over the years. A giant box filled with a 38 piece set of authentic pirate scimitars, rapiers and battle axes falls to the floor with a CLANG! So much cheap metal clanging against each other is like cat claws scraping against a chalkboard to the somewhat hard of hearing pirate gang. Windows begin breaking and doors begin shaking and the floor is earthquaking and the chicken pot pie in the oven keeps baking. Pirates make a pretty amazing chicken pot pie. Surprised you didn't know that.

A blinding light shines throughout the sky and something glows from underground. Someone knocks on the door. RAP RAP RAP on the front door. "Who ye be?!?!" cries the pirate who just lost control of himself. "Who...ye....be...?!?!".

RAP.

RAP.

RAP.


On the front door. "Tell me this instant, who ye be". The pirates hear a soft clicking and clacking, clicking and clacking, clicking and clacking from outside the front door. "WHO YE BE! WHO CAN IT BE?!?!"

RAP.

RAP.

Click clack click. Click clack click.

Click.

Clack.

"WE MUST PROTECT THIS HOUSE!", yelled the pirates in unison.

Click clack click. Click clack click.

WHAT YOU ARE ABOUT TO HEAR WILL CHANGE YOUR LIFE FOREVER. CLOSE THIS TALE NOW IF YOU CAN NOT LIVE WITH THIS FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. IF YOU CHOOSE TO PROCEED, WATCH THE VIDEO BEFORE YOU.





The End







or is it?
?!?!?!?!?!?!?

The Legend of Ken

Who is Ken? I'll tell you. He is a living legend.

A few facts about Ken:

-He was born in outer space, and inherited some super powers from an alien lifeform that made him the greatest entertainer of all time.

-His albums didn't sell well here on Earth, but his album titled "Ken: by request only" has sold more times than any other album in the galaxy. He is a legend among far more intelligent alien beings.

- His music has helped spread intergalactic peace everywhere.

-He could stop global warming if he wanted to, but he really enjoys warm weather.

-Ken's album cover (pictured on this site) was named the worst album cover of all time, which is ironic because that determination was made on opposite day, making it the GREATEST album cover of all time for the greatest album of all time.

-Ken's helmet hair is stronger than steel. It is also the most fire resistant material ever found. The government wanted a piece of it to study it, but Ken wouldn't allow it, instead he dropkicked a bunch of people until everyone left him alone.

-Ken currently resides somewhere in Iowa. This is because no one really lives in Iowa, and Ken is such a phenomenal superstar, he must keep a low profile.

-If you ever stared Ken in the eyes, you would probably grow sideburns and a mustache. Or just die. But Ken doesn't look anyone in the eyes, even himself.

-Ken owns the largest collection of combs in the galaxy.

-He shares a lot in common with Superman, except Ken's superhero suit is made of polyester and looks way more sweet.

-If you play his music backwards, Ken will haunt your dreams forever.

Thursday Pirate Attack

Surly Blondbeard: Where are you going to lunch, somewhere far away?

Ninja Master: Yes.

Surly: An undisclosed location?

Ninja: Possibly, yes.

S: Maybe a ninja cave?

N: If I can find one, yes.

S: I heard the Maple Cheddar Breakfast Sandwich is back.

N: Where did you hear that?!

S: Iuhno, I just made it up.

Jenna: (laughs)

N: Why do you torment me?!


***Thursday Pirate attack: Successful***


Surly: Aw I feel bad now!

Ninja Master: No you don't, pirates don't feel bad about anything!

Talk Like A Pirate Day

Log - A book where all you pirates can write about your daily adventures. Don't forget to include dates, times and places. Oh yes, and NAMES!

(From "A Real Pirate Dictionary For Real Pirates")



"My story" by Surly Blondbeard

On a day like today, I be rather thankful that we pirates have these "Interwebs" to keep our logs of our daily adventures. I have been on many daring adventures lately, including a journey to New Hampshire and a riveting game of kickball. In addition, I had graced with my pirate presence a little something called the Sam Adams Beer Summit. Once I found out that there was a castle in Boston chock full of bountiful treasures such as grog and booty, I could not possibly resist.



However, I will not be writing about these tales today. In fact, I will most likely not remember any of them. Today I write about Talk Like A Pirate Day. Or maybe about buried treasure. Or maybe I'll begin writing me memoirs. Pirates always have the best memoirs. I mean, have you ever read a memoir written by a ninja? Exactly.



One time, a ninja read to me a story he wrote. It was a ghost story about a big bad ghost that haunted his dojo. The dojo landlord told all the ninjas that it was an ominous presence in the dojo that wanted the ninjas to train harder and sacrifice more of their monthly income for the dojo and the ghost master that haunted the ninjas from within the dojo walls. It was the bloody heater making that racket. For lack of a better term, ninjas are a bunch of ******s.



Anyways, I was going to write about Talk Like a Pirate Day. Can you believe that the Saints lost to the Buccaneers? I certainly can. They have a matey on that team named Cadillac. I don't know what that be, but it sounds like it's worth a lot of loot! I like the Buccaneers because they have no manners and they would be a fine crew for a pirate ship. And how about them Pirates? Yarrr, tis a terrible baseball club.



Talk Like A Pirate Day, right. What's the deal with OJ Simpson? Did someone really steal his sh*t? Don't blame the pirates on this one, matey. We was simply working our day jobs whilst those robberies took place. Why would pirates decide to plunder the memorabilia of your crazy arse anyways? Kind of like the time I stole that autograph of Walter Payton, or the time me and my fellow scallywags thrifted a giant Coffee Coolatta sign from Dunkin Donuts (which at the time, the pirates did not own).



Let me also take this opportunity to write about one of the finest swashbucklers around. His name is Surly Blondbeard. What a handsome lad! Yar, tis I. Ladies all around, I be here. I can grill a mean steak, as I did learn from the Buccaneers when they landed in the Caribbean and learned to cook steaks, a skill they translated into a pirate invention known as the "tailgate party". For you history buffs out there, the term tailgate party comes directly from pirate ships of yore.



Aye, t'isnt true. I made it all up. But I can still grill a mean steak. I don't remember what I was supposed to write about here, something special going on today but I simply cannot recall. Maybe it's the grog talking, but this log seems to be getting rather full. I shant write anymore, however this evening I might need to sing some sea shantys and go find some ninjas to make them walk the plank.



I hope to read some more stories from those landlubbin ninjas later on. If I remember any of my other stories, I will write them in the log for another day. In the meantime, please tell your fellow pirates (and even ninjas) on this day to read these stories and wish everyone a happy...now what the hell was today again? YARRR!!!

The Ultimate Ninja Master

This story is awesome. It is a story about a story an awesome ninja master, who no one knows his name. Legend has it that he killed a total of eleventy billion pirates in his lifetime, and that's a conservative estimate. By the age of 0 he did his first dropkick, which instantly killed his parents and made him an orphan. He decided right then and there that he would use his awesome skills to do good, and by good I mean kill stuff. And kill stuff he did. Pirates everywhere began to fear him for his awesome and deadly ways. Even other ninjas didn't mess with him because he could flip out at any time and kill them too, it was sheer insanity.

Anyways, one day he decided to start a dojo, and it would be the greatest dojo of all time, where he would hand pick the best ninjas from around the world to train into elite an Ninja Squad. This group of ninjas was the sickest, baddest, most mint group of ninjas... ever. All they did was train, kill stuff, and then train some more. They never slept, and they ate only once a day... when they devoured maple cheddar breakfast sandwiches in insane quantities. It didn't give them any special abilities, but it did enhance the already incredible abilities they had, which is pretty unbelievable if you ask me.

So one day, the Ninja master came into the dojo and had this really concerned look on his face. This surprised the Ninja Squad, because they had never seen him like this before. Whenever he would get pissed, he would just kill something and he would feel better instantly. One of the younger ninjas gathered the courage to ask him what was wrong, which was a bad idea, because the master did a running drop kick so hard he went right through the dude, instantly killing him.
He got off, brushed himself off and said "let that be a lesson for all of you that I am really pissed, and when I get pissed I don't like to be messed with". Then he said "the reason I have come to you is because we are all in serious trouble. And by all of us, I mean you guys, because I am never in trouble. Anyways, I just got word that there is a hippie concert going on not too far from here. For those of you who don't know, hippies suck. Not only do they suck, but they also smell bad.... REALLY bad. The problem wouldn't be that big of a deal except for the fact that a) they are really annoying and b) their increasing numbers are causing their smell to spread all over the planet and deplete the ozone. In fact, these hippies are the REAL reason for global warming, and they must be stopped. How ironic?"

All the ninjas looked around at each other in horror. One of them asked "what can we do about it?". The Ninja master replied, "you mean, what am I going to do, because you guys pretty much suck, and besides, the smell will definately kill you... it's that bad". The ninjas replied in unison "we will die together then!" (this story is dragging on way too long)

So they all go to the concert, start destroying stuff big time, but the smell was ridiculous. Half the ninjas died right away, and if I explained how they died it might cause you to lose control. The hippies didn't even have to do anything, the smell just killed everything in its path. But this made the Master wicked pissed off, and he decided to have the ninjas do a ridiculous move that never been done before.... the flying ninja foot of Death. The group jumped up and formed a giant foot which did a GIANT roundhouse kick to every hippie's head. It was the most mint move ever done, and was so awesome, it got rid of the smell entirely. In fact, all the hippies instantly turned into gold and babes, which all the nearby pirates stole immediately (stupid pirates). As to all the ninjas, they had done the most incredible move of all time (flying ninja foot of Death) which by sheer coincidence, killed THEM and not the hippies. It was all a moot point anyways, because they wouldn't have been able to handle the awesomeness. But the Ninja master did not die, no, in fact he used the opportunity to do the sick guitar solo from Jimi Hendrix's "Purple Haze" to perfection, and the lasting effects of this incredible music cannot be measured.

No one ever recalled what happened that day, the day the world was saved by this amazing ninja. But how did this story live on? I don't know... but the legend of the Ninja Master continues.

p.s. the Ninja Master's name is none other than Chuck Norris.

Mourning.

Take a good long look, ninjas.

(As described by the good people at dunkindonuts.com)

"Sweet maple and real cheddar cheese.Made with scrambled egg, maple sausage and cheddar cheese served on a freshly baked croissant - this breakfast sandwich provides a surprisingly sweet flavor combination. But hurry - Maple Cheddar is around for a limited time only!"

Correction: NOT AVAILABLE. YOU CANNOT PURCHASE THIS SANDWICH. THEREFORE BY THE TRANSITIVE PROPERTY YOU MAY NOT EAT THIS SCRUMPTIOUS EGG SANDWICH. I KNOW AT LEAST 2 NINJAS THAT WOULD DO A TRIPLE FLIP DROP KICK TO BILL GATES IF HE COULD SOMEHOW BUY THIS SANDWICH. NO COMBINATION OF GOLD, BABES AND NINJA ATTACKS WILL EVER BRING THIS SANDWICH BACK. IT HAS STOLEN YOUR HEART AND SOUL. THE MAPLE CHEDDAR BREAKFAST SANDWICH WAS THE GREATEST INVENTION EVER CREATED BY PIRATES BECAUSE IT BRINGS THE NINJAS FIRST MELTY CHEESY MAPLEY GOODNESS AND LEAVES THEM WITH SADNESS AND PAIN. LOOK AT THE PICTURE, YOU WILL NEVER EAT ONE AGAIN.

This post was created solely to make ninjas hungry and sad.