Belaired Part...Threux

me: Ok this day has been crazy - I have a story for you
c: ok
me: My life has literally got flipped & turned upside down
Sent at 1:53 PM on Thursday
c: ok
me: I'd just like to take a second
Just sit right there
I'll tell you how I became the prince of a town called Belair
c: haha
in west philadelphia born and raised
me: you just got Belaired bitch
c: on a playground is where i spent most of my days
chillin' out maxin' relaxin' all cool

Belaired: Part Deux

Okay so then I tried belairing someone. Here's the first attempt:

m: hey did you hear what has happening in watertown?
s: yeah its crazy
m: i heard there were a couple of guys
m: they were up to no good
m: started makin trouble in the neighborhood
m: but then they got in one little fight and their mom got scared and said they were moving with their auntie and uncle in Belair
s: haha
s: fresh prince
s: love it
m: you just got belaired
m: how does that feel
s: haha
s: great

Revisiting 2008: Belaired

Ok so I got "belaired" today, here's the transcript:

Sam: hey man. do you have a second to listen to a story?
me: sure
Sam: it's a story about me and my life
me: im just coming back from lunch...go for it
Sam: and how it got all fipped upside down
this should only take a minute
you still there?
me: yeah hold on
Sam: okay
let me know when you're back and ready
me: k im here
i was on the phone
wait
what kind of story is this
Sam: nice, cause i'm about to tell you how i became
THE FRESH PRINCE OF BELAIR
me: oh thats great news
Sam: OH SNAPS YOU JUST GOT BEL-AIR'D
me: thats kinda lame
Sam: well it happened

Getting back to the ACDCs

Because a pirate alphabet goes A, C, D, and then C again. And then I forget the rest, shut the hell up. I will pirate hook the crap out of the Internet if that's what it takes. I haven't written a blog entry for a while and let me tell you why. You probably already know the answer. Hippies.

Here's a quick tale about how bad hippies suck. I was at Stop and Shop today. And you dum dums are probably asking oh hey what were you doing there and my answer is "What do you think?!".

So anyways, after I bought my box of Frosted Mini Wheats I walk out the door and I saw a hippie. I knew he was a hippie because he was holding a clipboard and he smelled like IT guys. I haven't been feeling well lately, so my ninja detection skills are down, but my hippie detection skills are forever. Because hippies are moronics. Good thing they aren't bionic, because let's face it, there is no man outside of Chuck Norris or all four of the ninja turtles that could possibly stop a bionic hippie. Okay I'm starting to feel emotional and I can't talk about bionic hippies any more.

Back to the task at hands, I used my peripherals and detected no ninjas. This is the first time I ever wished that a ninja was around, especially ninja master. Because let's face it, Ninja Master would have ran away scared back into Stop and Shop. And then I would have laughed and said "Oh man get a load of that ninja". But then I'd be surprised (not really but a little) that Ninja Master came back with a 2 liter bottle of Diet Mountain Dew. Except the 2 liter was EMPTY. And then after letting out the largest most astronomical belch of all time, the hippie would be destroyed by a stench greater than his own: the stench of beast mode.

After that awesome victory we'd go back into Stop and Shop victorious. That song by Muse would be playing, the one where the guy says WE. WILL. BE. VIC. TORIOUS. and all of the smokin' hot babes inside of Stop and Shop would be totally freaking out. And then oh man guess what would probably happen, the music inside of the food store would change into Rock Steady by the Whispers.

I should also add that the Stop and Shop I go to has a real guy that looks like Elvis. So I have the feeling that there could be tons more stories about this Stop and Shop. Alright that's really all I have for now, and may ever have.

Craigslist Rules

Ladies and gentlemen, here is a craigslist ad presented to me via facebook that I have since posted via twitter than I thank my friend who shall remain nameless for posting on his facebook originally. Myspace played no part in this, as Myspace sucks the big one. Anyways, here is the posting, since it will ultimately be deleted once the item is sold. The item in question is a 2005 Nissan Xterra being sold in the San Antonio area:

http://sanantonio.craigslist.org/cto/1257065913.html

QUOTE

OK, let me start off by saying this Xterra is only available for purchase by the manliest of men (or women). My friend, if it was possible for a vehicle to sprout chest hair and a five o'clock shadow, this Nissan would look like Tom Selleck. It is just that manly.

It was never intended to drive to northstar mall so you can pick up that adorable shirt at Abercrombie & Fitch that you had your eye on. It wasn't meant to transport you to yoga class or Bath & Body Works. No, that's what your Prius is for. If that's the kind of car you're looking for, then just do us all a favor and stop reading right now. I mean it. Just stop.

This car was engineered by 3rd degree ninja super-warriors in the highest mountains of Japan to serve the needs of the man that cheats death on a daily basis. They didn't even consider superfluous nancy boy amenities like navigation systems (real men don't get lost), heated leather seats (a real man doesn't let anything warm his butt), or On Star (real men don't even know what the hell On Star is).

No, this brute comes with the things us testosterone-fueled super action junkies need. It has a 265 HP engine to outrun the cops. It's got special blood/gore resistant upholstery. It even has a first-aid kit in the back. You know what the first aid kit has in it? A pint of whiskey, a stitch-your-own-wound kit and a hunk of leather to bite down on when you're operating on yourself. The Xterra also has an automatic transmission so if you're being chased by Libyan terrorists, you'll still be able to shoot your machine gun out the window and drive at the same time. It's saved my bacon more than once.

It has room for you and the four hotties you picked up on the way to the gym to blast your pecs and hammer your glutes. There's a tow hitch to pull your 50 caliber anti-Taliban, self cooling machine gun. I also just put in a new windshield to replace the one that got shot out by The Man.
My price on this bad boy is an incredibly low $10,900, but I'll entertain reasonable offers. And by reasonable, I mean don't walk up and tell me you'll give me $5,000 for it. That's liable to earn you a Burmese-roundhouse-sphincter-kick with a follow up three fingered eye-jab. Would it hurt? Hell yeah. Let's just say you won't be the prettiest guy at the Coldplay concert anymore.

There's only 69,000 miles on this four-wheeled hellcat from Planet Kickass. Trust me, it will outlive you and the offspring that will carry your name. It will live on as a monument to your machismo.

Now, go look in the mirror and tell me what you see. If it's a rugged, no holds barred, super brute he-man macho Chuck Norris stunt double, then contact me. I might be out hang-gliding or BASE jumping or just chilling with my ladies, but I'll get back to you. And when I do, we'll talk about a price over a nice glass of Schmidt while we listen to Johnny Cash.

To sweeten the deal a little, I'm throwing in this pair of MC Hammer pants for the man with rippling quads that can't fit into regular pants. Yeah, you heard me. FREE MC Hammer pants.

Rock on.

END QUOTE

If this guy wants to write for 200% Awesome he is welcome to step up to the plate any time, any place, Ninja Master will supply the camp site and the redneck babes, I will provide the Southern Comfort and the bean bag tic tac toe game. AWW YEAH DUDE!!

Chuck Norris Rules

Chuck Norris is so awesome. For those of you that follow 200% on Twitter, you may know that everybody was saying wicked awesome stuff about Chuck Norris. All day long I was thinking about cool stuff that Chuck Norris could do. Imagine if Chuck Norris was in the White House, he would be dominating. Imagine if Chuck Norris was in outer space, he would be punching aliens in the face and probably getting it on with female aliens causing their stomachs to explode with mini Chuck Norris things coming out of them. Then I thought about Chuck Norris in the UFC, oh man could you imagine if he put you in a sleeper hold and

Results Are In...

1st half of 2009 Most Awesome Award, organized by most votes

#1 Ninja Master, Surly Blondbeard (aka Pirate) - 200% Awesome
#2 Tom Cruise - bald guy in Tropic Thunder
#3 Tropic Thunder Joel - foreign guy who looks like Joel in my office
#4 Thunderstorms - totally kick ass and I'm not even scared of them
#5 My feelings - they can't be hurt by anyone not even redneck robots
#6 Redneck robots - this awesome crappy thing I just invented
#7 Bar trivia - it's like final jeopardy except over and over and over again
#8 Actually bar trivia should be like #2 1/2 cuz final jeopardy rules
#9 Hot pirate chicks - ohhh mannnn yessss and it's tied with certain ninja babes
#10 Going on wicked long bike rides and going off jumps and stuff

Thank you for everyone that voted, we apologize that the free numchucks will no longer be available. We sincerely hope that you reward yourself today and buy yourselves some numchucks or possibly just go see Harry Potter or Pirates of the Caribbean. Later on, me and the Ninja Master will debate why I think Harry Potter is hippie activist propaganda established primarily by Tony Blair to distract us from how craptacular of a job George Bush did while he was in office.

Shout out to our twitter peeps, holler young ones, holler back towards us.