Ninja Farmers!

Alright this is a really quick story about a bunch of ninjas that worked on a farm. I sort of hyperlinked my blog to my other one and when they click on this link they are going to expect some type of story about ninjas attacking me with milk.

So I was minding my own business doing what I normally do on Sunday afternoons which is play Ms. Pacman down at the arcade with the senior citizens. They always make me feel stupid because I totally dominate at Ms. Pacman against my friends but then I just get schooled. Like after schooled. Like after school special. Like that one when Calista Flockhart has bulimia. Haha. Ally McMeal. That's not funny.

Anyways these ninjas came and tried to pour milk down my mouth and I was like 'BACK OFF OF ME MAN I'M LACTOSE INTOLERANT!!!"

For our #1 Fan

Celular said...
Hello. This post is likeable, and your blog is very interesting, congratulations :-). I will add in my blogroll =). If possible gives a last there on my blog, it is about the Celular, I hope you enjoy. The address is http://telefone-celular-brasil.blogspot.com. A hug.
April 6, 2008 11:05 AM

A song:

Like the fiery pits of hell you are
Dominant and awesome Celular
I am glad you think our post is likeable
Cooler than that game Excitebike-able
Very interesting, that's correct
Chuck Norris once snapped a million necks
I wish I could make just one phone call
To the Cuban chicks for laughing, one and all
Ninjas and pirates that like to kill
But Celular is the best in all Brazil!

En português:

Uma canção:

Como os poços de inferno impetuosos você é
Celular dominante e impressionante
Eu estou contente você penso que nosso borne é likeable
Refrigerador do que esse jogo Excitebike-able
Muito interessante, isso está correto
Chuck Norris agarrou uma vez milhão gargantas
Eu desejo que eu poderia fazer apenas uma chamada de telefone
Aos pintainhos cubanos para rir, um e tudo
Ninjas e piratas que como a matar
Mas Celular é o melhor em todo o Brasil!

Let me just make sure that the translator is correct:
Portugese back to English:

As the impetuous wells of hell
you are Cellular dominant and impressive
I am contented you I think that our post is likeable
Coolant of what this Excitebike-able game
Very interesting, this is correct
Chuck Norris grasped a time million throats
I desire that I could make only one call of telephone
To the Cuban chicks to laugh, one and everything
Ninjas and pirates who I eat to kill
But Cellular he is optimum in all Brazil!

Perfeito.

The Incredible Mr. Astley

So the other day I went to the grocery store to pick up a few things. No big whoop. By the way, why is it always hard to find the one thing you need when you go grocery shopping? I mean I only needed like 2 items and one of them was zip lock bags and I couldn't find them. So I asked some redneck dude where the zip lock bags were. He goes "Why would you be asking me that?" and I was like "so you don't work here", he goes "no!" and I think "Well you a-hole, then don't wear a brown shirt that makes you look like an employee!" I mean that's just common sense. Then in my mind right there I drop kicked him in his face and he ran away and brought me my zip lock bags and whole bunch of other cool crap like diet mountain dew.

So anyways that really doesn't have any relevance to what I want to talk about whatsoever, which is Rick Astley, who is probably the most awesome person on the planet. I mean, that deep baritone voice combined with synthesized 80's pop music combined with his ridiculous fashion sense combined with his even more ridiculous dance moves make him a serious consideration for the 8th wonder of the world. Who is this guy and where did he come from? I mean, I just can't keep my mind off of Rick Astley, and no I'm not gay I just aspire to be like him in every way. His hit single "Never gonna give you up" is playing through my mind like background music 24 hours a day, even when I sleep. When I walk down the street I do my patented Rick Astley dance moves, which make me look like a complete a-hole but I couldn't care less! Rick Astley is the MAN!

There are just so many questions I would love to ask Rick, such as "where have you been for the last few years?" and I know the answer would be something sweet such as "you know Joel, first off you are awesome, like the coolest person besides me. But anyways, I have been in India meditating like 24 hours a day because I'm awesome like that and because I don't give a crap about anyone else. And also, because I just feel like it and I'm Rick Astley so I can do whatever I want so there you go". And then I would be so in awe because of that awesome answer I would probably do a drop kick right there and either kill someone or hurt myself. That's how excited I am about Rick Astley. Besides that I would ask him "so Rick, can I rip a sick guitar solo while you sing" and we would jam out and create the sweetest music known to man for like 12 hours straight, followed by the sweetest party with piles of gold and babes everywhere and NO pirates cuz we killed them all with our sweet music and no hippies because Rick's prescience was too much awesome for them. In any case it would be the sweetest time anyone has ever had.



Peace out.

Ninja Master

Ninjas at the Mall: A True Story

So I was at the mall picking up some crap and I saw the most ridiculous looking babe in the world I almost crapped my pants. Almost. Then I saw her kid. I quickly grabbed a rope swing and shot up like infinity feet up to the second floor of the mall. Next thing I know, I'm at the video game store. The game was about ninjas.

I hate ninjas. But not as much as I hate hippies. Hippies you can smell from anywhere, especially from their favorite hang out, Orange Julius. Eat a steak you dirty moocher. Sometimes you bump into some people that totally suck. Like this one guy, he had a Jack Black t-shirt on. It wasn't even like, Tenacious D, or Nacho Libre, or some other stupid thing. Just Jack Black. I would chop that guy up into pieces and feed him to the octopus. And the platypus.

This guy was like "Uh...I totally like jas".

I was like, "Jaws? Like the shark movie? F*ck yeah!"

He took a sip of his Orange Julius and answered back to me "Uh...no...dummy...jas".

"Jazz?" I mean, sometimes it's hippie music but it's alright, I mean everyone likes some jazz...you know...Cuban jazz...you know...like...right? Know what I'm sayin? Are you smellin' what I'm cookin' here dude? I mean...that's cool AWWWW YEEAHHH DDUUUUDDEEE

"No....uhhhh....NIN...jas....you big stupid face, they're called jas...totally radical"

I was about to beat the living and the dead and the zombie crap out of this butt wipe. Then a friggin ninja showed up (he used the same rope after he saw that hot babe's kid) and friggin sliced this dude's neck with a friggin kitana blade. What the frig! Well, I flipped out, and the ninja totally flipped out...like ninjas always friggin do...and since we were in the video game store, I tore into "Stricken" by Disturbed on Guitar Hero 3. Laughing parties ensued. The end.

This Blog is F*CKING AWESOME

You have got to be....f*cking kidding me.

This blog is approaching its one year anniversary, August 8th, 2008. 8/8/08 for those of you who can't read (or write). We have received zero awards. We have received zero offers to buy this website and all of its intellectual property. This is me, Surly Blondbeard, calling you out.

Me and my business partner, the somewhat present but always dominating Ninja Master, known to some as Joel, have dedicated hours and hours of company time towards compiling the most awesome things of all time on one easy to reference platform, the 200% Awesome blog. We are connected via Technorati (love you), Facebook (thanks for destroying my life), Myspace (you're like the Scott Baio of the Internet right now, step it up b*tch), and a whole bunch of other stuff.

I have been experiencing some hard times lately. Such as, oh let's take a look, I'm in a totally sick band now which pretty much dominates harder than an exploding volcano giving Cuban chicks laughing parties with its liquid hot MAGMA. I've also been drinking more. Eating less. Making mad bills. And I'm like this close to acquiring the greatest vehicle built by some of the greatest people on Earth. Thank you Sweden, and thank you Volvo.

So there you have it, I'm sick of this crap, I'm gonna go grab some sushi or a salad and flex my muscles all around town because it's lunchtime dammit. Somebody buy the 200% Awesome brand. It's a cash cow that makes the sweetest cash milk and the juiciest cash steaks. It's cash fed 200% Awesome cash beef. Oh baby I'm on fire right now. Thanks for reading. AWW YEAH DUDE.

Awesomely yours,
Matt the Bada$$ Surly Pirate

Imagination Station

Just a quick thought. A word to all readers, adults and children alike. Never give up on your imagination. It totally had your back when you were a kid and you had, like, NO cool toys. It totally had your back when you were in high school and you came up with dumb ways to get over the whole awkward "oh man I totally want to LP that chick but I'm pretty much the biggest MCA I know" (I need to update the glossary, this will make sense later). And for we, the "facebook generation", it totally has our back in coming up with innovative ways to find and maintain jobs, which is totally bogus because we are all brilliant morons with short attention spans. I am writing this on a Sunday night, but I will probably upload some stupid photos up during the busiest part of my work day tomorrow.

Anyways, I was originally going to make a post about the Boston Red Sox (simulcast with my other hit blog, "Tacoby Bellsbury", classifying both current and past Sox and their affiliations to the Ninja, Pirate, Hippie or Redneck sectors of Red Sox Nation. Instead, I wanted to take a moment to appreciate that my imagination has not died, I am not a complete mindless drone quite yet; I believe the fountain of youth really lies in the way you live. Keep the imagination running and take the time to "play" (music, sports, laughing parties, creating and maintaining awful websites, watching cartoons, you get the idea). I drink water and eat oranges at work because it reminds me of being a kid and playing soccer games during the weekend. I also happen to look and act like a six year old. Same difference.

Don't fret, that Red Sox blog will come soon, as will the reporting of one of the most epic quests a ninja has ever taken. I expect nothing less from a person whose imagination matches or exceeds my own. Most of the people that read this are, how I say, "special" just like the authors, but you know just keep up the creative imagination-y kid stuff and encourage others to do the same. Leave a comment or draw me a picture or something, whatever you do. Aww yeah dude.

Who do you want as President, a Ninja, Pirate or Hippie?

-Posted by N. Master, Sr. Correspondant for The Ninja Times

March 5, 2008

This article is awesome. Why? Well first, because I wrote it. Second, because it’s on this site. And mostly, because it’s about something no one has reported on before, and that is on the affiliations of all the major candidates running for President of the United States of America. See, every person is either a Pirate, Ninja, or Hippie. They can also be a redneck, but I’m pretty sure that only happens when people inbreed. Rednecks should never be elected to high offices, but it happens. In any case, I wanted to inform you of the implications of the stances of each of the candidates, not so much on issues like immigration or taxes or on the war or healthcare, but things like who has the best nun chuck skills. Or who can drink a whole bottle of rum and still be able to make a pile of stolen gold and babes into a pyramid. Stuff like that. Aren’t you so glad you’re reading this? Yeah, you are. So anyways, I got to talk to Senators Clinton, Obama, and McCain. IT was awesome. And you will find out who is what, and what they will do if elected President.

I first asked Ninja-Senator Barack (if you say his middle name he’ll pile drive you into an erupting volcano- trust me, I know from experience) Obama what the first thing he would do once elected as President. “Oh that’s a friggin easy one. First, I would throw a ninja star real hard. So hard that it would travel into outer space and land somewhere in Pakistan or Afghanistan and kill Osama Bin Laden. That’s how sweet my ninja star skills are. And then I’ll do a sick guitar solo, lasting approximately three days and people can come party at the oval office. It’ll be the sweetest party of all time”

When asked about how he views chuck Norris, Obama answered “I have great respect and admiration for Mr. Norris. And although we don’t agree on all things, we share a common goal, and that is to be the greatest ninjas ever… and also to destroy stuff, especially hippies everywhere. It’s because of this that I plan on making Chuck Norris my Secretary of Roundhouse Kicks and Hippie Affairs. Together, we will roundhouse kick North Korea, and then Iran, which will lead to World Peace. Afterwards we’ll eat some delicious nachos.”

But before Obama can even start thinking about the White House, he must first beat out the Super Hippie candidate, Mrs. Hillary Clinton. I asked Clinton about Senator Obama, and her plan on beating him to secure the nomination, to which she responded “hey, do you have any more Spicy Nacho Doritos?”. When I said, no, she told me that it was her primary objective to give every American as much Spicy Nacho Doritos as they wanted. She then proceeded to dance around like an idiot for several hours to some hippie music. I’m pretty sure she had no idea where she was or what she was doing. Hippies do that most of the time, or so I am told.

John McCain, the Pirate candidate, seemed to be very confident in his ability to win the Presidency. When asked how his policies differ from both Obama and Clinton’s, he responded “the problem we have is that we are losing all our gold and babes. It’s all going to China, and the Chinese are having ridiculous parties because they steal our gold, and then our babes, and then they just party REAL hard. They are better pirates than us, because they like educate their people to be pirates, it’s crazy. Obama can talk all he wants about roundhouse kicking the North Koreans, and Clinton can give us all the Spicy Nacho Doritos that Americans clearly crave, but come on people! We NEED gold and babes! It’s what makes America great, that and Bon Jovi’s breakthrough album “Slippery When Wet”. I could rock out to that like all day while drinking some sweet rum. Aw yeah dude. What were we talking about again?”

So there you have it. If you read this whole story, then you are completely (at LEAST 200%) better educated on the candidates than you were before. And you have all the info you need to make your decision when it comes time to vote for whatever Ninja, Pirate, or Hippie you choose. And if you feel differently you can get the heck off this site, because you suck at life. Better luck not sucking elsewhere.