200% Awesome

What the crap?

2011-12-30T23:26:00.001-05:00

I totally haven't posted on here in a wicked long time mostly because I've been doing important stuff like ripping sweet guitar solos and making pirates crap their pants and other sweet stuff that's so insane the Internet couldn't handle how awesome it is. Anyways, I'm here to tell you amigos that there is more to come. Stay tuned, and stock up on extra absorbent depends, you may need them.

A Sweet Comment

2011-11-10T15:13:00.001-05:00

We got this comment from Anonymous, I felt like it needed to become an entry:

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Makes sense to me. Thanks Anonymous!

There is no more reason to post anything else after this. I believe this is my resignation. Thank you. -Matt the Pirate

2010-10-26T12:44:00.002-04:00

Press Conference

2010-05-14T11:52:00.003-04:00

BELAIR, California

My fellow Belairians, I would just like to briefly announce my full on retirement from Belairing. Many people have heard my story of how I became the prince of this town. One person even heard about the chilling tale that took place while I was shooting b-ball outside of my school. Those two guys were apprehended, however, I still feel uncomfortable in West Philadelphia. Which, as you know, is where I was born and raised.

As I sit on my throne, I regret only one thing. That my license plate does not say "FRESH". Which is why I would like to announce that I will only be travelling by cab from now on. I would like to formally apologize to the cabby for those harsh words I said to him that fateful afternoon, when I told him I would smell him later. Good sir, I would like to smell you for as long as I live in Belair.

In conclusion, I thank all of those who heard my story, you guys all got belaired pretty bad. And special thanks for Sam, because without his belairing, I would have never been where I am today.

On behalf of everyone in my kingdom, especially King Uncle Phil, and the Jeffs...DJ and Geoffrey...hell, even Carlton...thank you, and God bless Belair.

-Matt the Pirate, Fresh Prince of Belair

Best Belair So Far

2010-05-14T11:31:00.002-04:00

Now I told this person yesterday that I had a story to tell. The person remembered, asked me about it, and then got the baddest belairing I've dished out to date:

M: hahaha
what was your story yesterday?
i wasn't really at my desk all afternoon
me: did C tell you about it, i told her
M: no
me: well let me tell you the story about yesterday
M: ok
me: my life literally got flipped
turned upside down
Sent at 11:19 AM on Friday
M: what happened?
Sent at 11:22 AM on Friday
me: id like to take a minute, sit right there
M: ok
me: I'll tell you how I became the prince of a town called Belair
Sent at 11:27 AM on Friday
M: HAHAHA
me: You just got belaired
Sent at 11:30 AM on Friday
M: hahahahahahha
me: How does it feel
M's new status message - Matt: You just got belaired 11:32 AM

Came out of retirement to Belair again

2010-05-13T17:01:00.002-04:00

me: I never told you my story
k: haha
woops
me: its ok
it was pretty bad though
k: haha
what with childrens
were they like eh, we already have all this stuff
me: yeah it got all flipped turned upside down
k: haha huh?
me: you might want to sit down
k: haha
oo i am
me: and i
will tell you
how i became the prince of a town called BELAIR
k: haha shut up
me: OH you got BELAIRED
k: just tell me the darn story

Belaired 5

2010-05-13T14:14:00.001-04:00

me: Ok this day has been crazy - I have a story for you
Sent at 1:52 PM on Thursday
T: okay
me: My life got flipped turned upside down
Sent at 1:54 PM on Thursday
T: why?
Sent at 1:57 PM on Thursday
me: Let me take a minute to explain, sit right there
T: haha okay
Sent at 2:00 PM on Thursday
me: I'll tell you how I became the prince of a town called Belair
Sent at 2:01 PM on Thursday
T: you kidding
me: lol yeah. you just got Belaired
T: hahaha what?
your weird
me: You thought I was telling a story, but the whole time I was just saying the theme song to Fresh Prince
Sent at 2:07 PM on Thursday
me: so you kinda fell for it, which means you got "belaired"
T: haha great
next time i will be ready for it though

Belaired IV

2010-05-13T14:09:00.003-04:00

So I haven't talked to this girl in a while, great conversation starter apparently...

me: Ok this day has been crazy - I have a story for you
Sent at 1:52 PM on Thursday
x: can you hang on a sec?
i'll be back in a few.
me: k
Sent at 1:55 PM on Thursday
x: so what's up?
me: Well my life got flipped turned upside down today
x: and you weren't shooting b-ball outside the school?
me: not at this point no
but eventually that did happen
x: okay...continue.
me: oh no its no big deal
i was just going to tell you how i became the prince of a TOWN CALLED BELAIR
x: so that's the story?
me: yeah
you just got belaired
x: haha. okay then.
me: so.....hey how are ya?

Belaired Part...Threux

2010-05-13T14:02:00.002-04:00

me: Ok this day has been crazy - I have a story for you
c: ok
me: My life has literally got flipped & turned upside down
Sent at 1:53 PM on Thursday
c: ok
me: I'd just like to take a second
Just sit right there
I'll tell you how I became the prince of a town called Belair
c: haha
in west philadelphia born and raised
me: you just got Belaired bitch
c: on a playground is where i spent most of my days
chillin' out maxin' relaxin' all cool

Belaired: Part Deux

2010-05-13T13:40:00.002-04:00

Okay so then I tried belairing someone. Here's the first attempt:

m: hey did you hear what has happening in watertown?
s: yeah its crazy
m: i heard there were a couple of guys
m: they were up to no good
m: started makin trouble in the neighborhood
m: but then they got in one little fight and their mom got scared and said they were moving with their auntie and uncle in Belair
s: haha
s: fresh prince
s: love it
m: you just got belaired
m: how does that feel
s: haha
s: great

Revisiting 2008: Belaired

2010-05-13T13:37:00.002-04:00

Ok so I got "belaired" today, here's the transcript:

Sam: hey man. do you have a second to listen to a story?
me: sure
Sam: it's a story about me and my life
me: im just coming back from lunch...go for it
Sam: and how it got all fipped upside down
this should only take a minute
you still there?
me: yeah hold on
Sam: okay
let me know when you're back and ready
me: k im here
i was on the phone
wait
what kind of story is this
Sam: nice, cause i'm about to tell you how i became
THE FRESH PRINCE OF BELAIR
me: oh thats great news
Sam: OH SNAPS YOU JUST GOT BEL-AIR'D
me: thats kinda lame
Sam: well it happened

Getting back to the ACDCs

2010-04-20T14:06:00.003-04:00

Because a pirate alphabet goes A, C, D, and then C again. And then I forget the rest, shut the hell up. I will pirate hook the crap out of the Internet if that's what it takes. I haven't written a blog entry for a while and let me tell you why. You probably already know the answer. Hippies.

Here's a quick tale about how bad hippies suck. I was at Stop and Shop today. And you dum dums are probably asking oh hey what were you doing there and my answer is "What do you think?!".

So anyways, after I bought my box of Frosted Mini Wheats I walk out the door and I saw a hippie. I knew he was a hippie because he was holding a clipboard and he smelled like IT guys. I haven't been feeling well lately, so my ninja detection skills are down, but my hippie detection skills are forever. Because hippies are moronics. Good thing they aren't bionic, because let's face it, there is no man outside of Chuck Norris or all four of the ninja turtles that could possibly stop a bionic hippie. Okay I'm starting to feel emotional and I can't talk about bionic hippies any more.

Back to the task at hands, I used my peripherals and detected no ninjas. This is the first time I ever wished that a ninja was around, especially ninja master. Because let's face it, Ninja Master would have ran away scared back into Stop and Shop. And then I would have laughed and said "Oh man get a load of that ninja". But then I'd be surprised (not really but a little) that Ninja Master came back with a 2 liter bottle of Diet Mountain Dew. Except the 2 liter was EMPTY. And then after letting out the largest most astronomical belch of all time, the hippie would be destroyed by a stench greater than his own: the stench of beast mode.

After that awesome victory we'd go back into Stop and Shop victorious. That song by Muse would be playing, the one where the guy says WE. WILL. BE. VIC. TORIOUS. and all of the smokin' hot babes inside of Stop and Shop would be totally freaking out. And then oh man guess what would probably happen, the music inside of the food store would change into Rock Steady by the Whispers.

I should also add that the Stop and Shop I go to has a real guy that looks like Elvis. So I have the feeling that there could be tons more stories about this Stop and Shop. Alright that's really all I have for now, and may ever have.

Craigslist Rules

2009-07-15T16:59:00.002-04:00

Ladies and gentlemen, here is a craigslist ad presented to me via facebook that I have since posted via twitter than I thank my friend who shall remain nameless for posting on his facebook originally. Myspace played no part in this, as Myspace sucks the big one. Anyways, here is the posting, since it will ultimately be deleted once the item is sold. The item in question is a 2005 Nissan Xterra being sold in the San Antonio area:

http://sanantonio.craigslist.org/cto/1257065913.html

QUOTE

OK, let me start off by saying this Xterra is only available for purchase by the manliest of men (or women). My friend, if it was possible for a vehicle to sprout chest hair and a five o'clock shadow, this Nissan would look like Tom Selleck. It is just that manly.

It was never intended to drive to northstar mall so you can pick up that adorable shirt at Abercrombie & Fitch that you had your eye on. It wasn't meant to transport you to yoga class or Bath & Body Works. No, that's what your Prius is for. If that's the kind of car you're looking for, then just do us all a favor and stop reading right now. I mean it. Just stop.

This car was engineered by 3rd degree ninja super-warriors in the highest mountains of Japan to serve the needs of the man that cheats death on a daily basis. They didn't even consider superfluous nancy boy amenities like navigation systems (real men don't get lost), heated leather seats (a real man doesn't let anything warm his butt), or On Star (real men don't even know what the hell On Star is).

No, this brute comes with the things us testosterone-fueled super action junkies need. It has a 265 HP engine to outrun the cops. It's got special blood/gore resistant upholstery. It even has a first-aid kit in the back. You know what the first aid kit has in it? A pint of whiskey, a stitch-your-own-wound kit and a hunk of leather to bite down on when you're operating on yourself. The Xterra also has an automatic transmission so if you're being chased by Libyan terrorists, you'll still be able to shoot your machine gun out the window and drive at the same time. It's saved my bacon more than once.

It has room for you and the four hotties you picked up on the way to the gym to blast your pecs and hammer your glutes. There's a tow hitch to pull your 50 caliber anti-Taliban, self cooling machine gun. I also just put in a new windshield to replace the one that got shot out by The Man.
My price on this bad boy is an incredibly low $10,900, but I'll entertain reasonable offers. And by reasonable, I mean don't walk up and tell me you'll give me $5,000 for it. That's liable to earn you a Burmese-roundhouse-sphincter-kick with a follow up three fingered eye-jab. Would it hurt? Hell yeah. Let's just say you won't be the prettiest guy at the Coldplay concert anymore.

There's only 69,000 miles on this four-wheeled hellcat from Planet Kickass. Trust me, it will outlive you and the offspring that will carry your name. It will live on as a monument to your machismo.

Now, go look in the mirror and tell me what you see. If it's a rugged, no holds barred, super brute he-man macho Chuck Norris stunt double, then contact me. I might be out hang-gliding or BASE jumping or just chilling with my ladies, but I'll get back to you. And when I do, we'll talk about a price over a nice glass of Schmidt while we listen to Johnny Cash.

To sweeten the deal a little, I'm throwing in this pair of MC Hammer pants for the man with rippling quads that can't fit into regular pants. Yeah, you heard me. FREE MC Hammer pants.

Rock on.

END QUOTE

If this guy wants to write for 200% Awesome he is welcome to step up to the plate any time, any place, Ninja Master will supply the camp site and the redneck babes, I will provide the Southern Comfort and the bean bag tic tac toe game. AWW YEAH DUDE!!

Chuck Norris Rules

2009-07-13T23:30:00.003-04:00

Chuck Norris is so awesome. For those of you that follow 200% on Twitter, you may know that everybody was saying wicked awesome stuff about Chuck Norris. All day long I was thinking about cool stuff that Chuck Norris could do. Imagine if Chuck Norris was in the White House, he would be dominating. Imagine if Chuck Norris was in outer space, he would be punching aliens in the face and probably getting it on with female aliens causing their stomachs to explode with mini Chuck Norris things coming out of them. Then I thought about Chuck Norris in the UFC, oh man could you imagine if he put you in a sleeper hold and

Results Are In...

2009-07-08T14:20:00.002-04:00

1st half of 2009 Most Awesome Award, organized by most votes

#1 Ninja Master, Surly Blondbeard (aka Pirate) - 200% Awesome
#2 Tom Cruise - bald guy in Tropic Thunder
#3 Tropic Thunder Joel - foreign guy who looks like Joel in my office
#4 Thunderstorms - totally kick ass and I'm not even scared of them
#5 My feelings - they can't be hurt by anyone not even redneck robots
#6 Redneck robots - this awesome crappy thing I just invented
#7 Bar trivia - it's like final jeopardy except over and over and over again
#8 Actually bar trivia should be like #2 1/2 cuz final jeopardy rules
#9 Hot pirate chicks - ohhh mannnn yessss and it's tied with certain ninja babes
#10 Going on wicked long bike rides and going off jumps and stuff

Thank you for everyone that voted, we apologize that the free numchucks will no longer be available. We sincerely hope that you reward yourself today and buy yourselves some numchucks or possibly just go see Harry Potter or Pirates of the Caribbean. Later on, me and the Ninja Master will debate why I think Harry Potter is hippie activist propaganda established primarily by Tony Blair to distract us from how craptacular of a job George Bush did while he was in office.

Shout out to our twitter peeps, holler young ones, holler back towards us.

#deathfight

2009-05-20T10:21:00.002-04:00

The handsome and awesome dudes that make up the nastiest 2 man faction of ninja and pirate have been challenged to our first DEATH FIGHT. This is frickin ridiculous because everybody in the planet and galaxy knows that no one can stop a ninja and a pirate teamed up. In fact, ninjas and pirates teaming up is deep down the wishes of Chuck Norris and Jesus. Which is why I need you guys to all believe me when I say, we are going to blow up so many more ice cream trucks with our roundhouse kicks, seriously get down with and F so many more mermaids, climb up to mountains of pure energy and then when we plug our guitars into those mountains we turn them into amps which after rocking out solos makes highly intense sound waves that travel through the world including Texas and Cuba to make all the underwear fall off the ladies except for the old ones it makes theirs stay on forever.

So please follow us on Twitter, we are named "200percent" there and follow the "hash tag" of #deathfight. I am so sure that hippies will follow anything called a hash tag, so see you smelly clowns there too. Blondbeard out! LETS GET IT ON!!

List of the 26 most awesome things

2009-05-06T09:35:00.004-04:00

Check it. This is a list of the 26 most awesome things of all time, on the planet. If you care to argue with me about it, you're wrong. You also suck. And you might be expecting a roundhouse kick to the dome shortly, accompanied by a log laid on either your fax machine or car.... or both. Anyways, here is the list.

1. This site
2. Ninjas
3. Not being a Pirate, Hippie or Redneck
4. Diet Mountain Dew
5. Chrysler LeBaron's
6. Domination
7. Extra large slurpies from 711
8. Dome crushing roundhouse kicks
9. Flipping out and killing stuff
10. Wombats
11. Chuck Norris
12. Sick 3 hour long guitar solo's
13. Watching Brett Favre get sacked and in the process losing control of his bowels.
14. Keystone Light
15. Disappearing in mid air
16. Knives
17. Throwing stars
18. Katana Blades
19. Smoke Bombs
20. Underground death match cage fights
21. Flips and summersaults
22. Flipping out and killing stuff
23. The smash hit "Rock Steady" by the Whispers (gets me into such a raging dominance)
24. Jessica Biel
25. BEAST MODE
26. The last two combined

Next, we will visit the 26 things that..... SUCK. Stay tuned.

-NM

Not For Sale

2009-05-05T12:30:00.002-04:00

Note to investors:

Although we have been valued at $39 for the Twitter and an estimated $720,000 for the intellectually challenged property on this blog, we are not currently for sale.

If you are bummed out by this, we will review any offer, however it should be understood that the minimum you bid should be $720,039. All realistic offers will be entertained if you wish to acquire all or some of this enterprise.

Cordially,
200%

What I did when I may or may not have had the swine flu

2009-04-29T13:05:00.003-04:00

Last week.... sucked. I got sick after a most excellent camping trip with my clan (which for the purposes of anonymity, will be called the "Foot Clan"). Anyways, I got back and got sick. It sucked so hard. Normally I don't get sick because I drink a ridiculous amount of Mountain Dew which makes me awesome. That and I dropkick a lot of people which means I stay healthy and limber. But I woke up one morning and felt all crappy, which is probably what it feels like to be a hippie. I call this "the SUCK".

So I was laying down on my couch, and decided to watch a movie on demand. There were many choices of movies to watch... including countless Adam Sandler movies and other movies about awesome things. But I decided to change it up a bit and watch "Freddie Got Fingered" starring Tom Green. Let me just say that although it was overall quite awesome, I have determined that Tom Green is a sick, sick man. No one should ever touch horse gentials, and he did. If I met Tom Green I would immediately do a flying dropkick to his face which would instantly crush his skull. I would also do this to Barbara Streisand and Yanni. And the guy from the Sham Wow commericals. And that dude who does all the other info-mercials. And the old dude who does the diabetes commericals, the one who was on that stupid show during the 80's. And the old dude who does the Art institute commericals. And Jim Sokolov. And that stupid nerdy guy who wrote that book about natural remedies. And Oprah. And all the hosts of the view. And Judge Judy.... I could go on like this for hours. Basically they all suck and deserve to be dropkicked. The End.

Ninja Pirate Art Gallery

2009-04-28T18:15:00.004-04:00

Pirate here, just letting you know that me and the ninja painstakingly wasted hours of paid time at work creating the finest paintings, actually MS Paintings...many of which are featured prominently...all the way down the page...on the right...in a column...on this here blog 200% Awesome.

As a side note, ninjas and pirates have often times reported to us that our "art" is particularly emotional, to the point where it has caused many of the following reactions:

* Losing control
* Going into beast mode
* Enjoying dinner at Olive Garden with a loved one
* Watching footage of the NFL Draft on ESPN only to find that the Patriots traded their pick AGAIN and you're NEVER GOING TO SEE YOUR TEAM MAKE A SELECTION
* Single tears
* Writing unanswered fan mail to Chuck Norris
* sipping Diet Mountain Dew out of a wine glass
* chugging a bunch of Gatorade and then practicing dance moves
* meditating at the dojo of your choice
* ordering a spicy chicken sandwich from Wendy's
* taking your pirate ship to Cuba and putting on a rock show for all the babes

Hopefully those of you who faithfully read already have joined our Twitter page by now at http://www.twitter.com/200percent and vice versa, our new twitter friends will now faithfully read this blog (I'm not going to post the address it's right up there). Also I'm calling out all of you artists out there, CREATE NINJA AND PIRATE ART. There are so many starving ninja and pirate artists out there who are starving, and in the case of the ninjas, not scoring with babes AT ALL. I mean, girls only want guys who have great skills. Cmon people. Read a book. Or watch a movie or play a video game.

Scurvily yours,
Surly Blondbeard

Awesome reviews of our site

2009-04-27T14:43:00.000-04:00

Our Reviews

"welcome to linkreferral, you should do well..."

mike
linkreferral.blogspot.com

"I really enjoyed your site, had no problems with navigation, and everything loaded really fast for me. I have added it to my favorites. Keep up the great work!"

Yevette
my.tupperware.com/yevettemcarthur

Get your own reviews, free traffic at

Sign up for our email listing!

2009-04-24T13:40:00.000-04:00

STAR TREK AWESOME

2009-04-01T18:09:00.005-04:00

Check it. Lego's and Star Trek are awesome. Therefore it belongs on this site. Also, we have decided that we now pretty much own the internet, as well as Earth. We are now venturing for dominion of outer space from the grasp of the evil hippies and rednecks out there. Thus we are trying to raise money through this awesome site to build a "Star Ship" on a 5 year "Star Trek". I'll keep you posted.

I love how original this site is.

This site....

2009-04-01T13:44:00.001-04:00

Is the LAMEST site of all time.

FAIL.

Awesome Advertisement

2009-04-01T10:32:00.004-04:00

Awesome Joke

2009-03-31T15:46:00.002-04:00

So one day two cannibals were eating a clown. One of them asked the other "Hey does this taste funny to you?".
This is funny, because I say it's funny. To those of you who didn't laugh, I promise I will hunt you down and wait until you are in a dark alleyway and do a flying dropkick to your skull then tie you up and make you watch Kurt Cameron movies all day long until you bleed in the ears.

Have a nice day.
NM

Episode I

2009-02-09T18:53:00.002-05:00

6:51pm:

Woman: [CENSORED], can I help you?
Surly: Yes I'm looking for the man in charge of [CENSORED] please.
Woman: Is there anyone in particular you're looking for?
Surly: (trying not to laugh) Well, I'm calling from [CENSORED], you know, the [CENSORED]?
Woman: Oh of course, let me transfer you to Scott Harrison.

...to be continued...

The Most Awesome Online Conversation Ever

2009-01-14T09:21:00.001-05:00

Ninja: yo
Pirate: yo
Ninja: whats goin on?
Pirate: not too much...how about you?
Ninja: another day at work
Ninja has signed out. (1/14/2009 9:03 AM)

Ah Ninja...keeping it brief and then vanishing without a trace...

IT is awesome.

2008-12-18T15:20:00.002-05:00

What is it? It's actually IT. Which stands for the two coolest things on earth (in the opinion of Napoleon Dynamite, Ninja Master and a bunch of other nerdalingers). Information. Technology. If I got this wrong, stop reading. If I got it right, prepare for hyperspeed because we're about to dig deep into some of the most righteous futuristic really cool stuff plus there's babes like that chick from Heavy Metal in there.

Alright...ready? HYPERSPEEEEEEEED

I work for the coolest company ever and I according to the Chief Master Warlord of Information Technology am the Bread Winner. This is correct. As shown by my fine collection of shirts and trophies and gold and babes. Soon I will have a pirate ship on wheels, also known as a Jeep Cherokee.

Other IT allstars include The Terminator and Joel. The Terminators name is not The Terminator but he sounds like him sometimes. How are ya? Sounds like Who are you? Also, I was telling him how awesome it was to close that big account in Chicago and he kept telling me to sh*t the fuck up and he asked me who my father was and what his profession was.

Joel is not named Joel but he looks like Joel would if Joel lived somewhere other than Joel's old town or Joel's new town. Joel is awesome, he hasn't worked here long but he looks like Joel. I'm gonna teach him to say stuff like Aww Yeah Dude.

Me: Joel whatssss happening
Joel: My name is (censored)
Me: Aww yeah dude!
Joel: Aww yeah dude? Are you retarded sir?
Me: Sweet you totally said aww yeah dude.

END OF STORY.
JOELLLLLL RETURN TO 200% AWESOME PLEEEASEEEEE

Friday of Excellence

2008-10-17T13:22:00.003-04:00

So I was playing NBA Jam on Sega Genesis one day and I realized how totally sick the Charlotte Hornets were. Zo teamed up with Gram Ma Ma. Nobody can stop this. Oh let's go with the Phoenix Suns...Charles Barkley? Dan Majerle? Who's coming to play?! Depends on the version you have. Or the Seattle Supersucks. Shawn Kemp. Detlef Schrempf. Oh great now I'm totally gonna go on a tirade about Detlef Schrempf. That guy sucks so bad. That guy is the guy who's at the carnival and he says you're too short to ride that ride but really it's because the ninjas got real scared on the ride and they have difficulty dealing with their emotions.

In other news, the Red Sox are friggin awesome. Ever since they got rid of their head ninja, Manny Ramirez and allowed the rowdy pirates of Pedroia, Youkilis and basically the entire pitching staff take over, it's been ridiculous out there. JD DREW is amazing. Now don't get me wrong...a rowdy team of pirates needs a couple ninjas out there to level things out.

Jason Varitek. Jason Varitek is like David Carradine from Kung Fu. Or David Carradine from the Yellow Book commercials. Anyways, I really don't have time in my life to keep up with blogging. I play on the most ridiculous kickball team of all time, we are undefeated and we kick more balls than Rochambeau himself. I also have been meeting a lot of cool people in my journey, ninja siren babes who sing the most beautiful karaoke, bodacious pirate babes who used to wear eye patches, bartender ladies who remember my name and simply say "What the F*** Do you want Giorgio?!?!"

Things are really awesome. On this day. The Friday of Excellence. Which helps us remember that although Friday is a day of almighty beastmodical righteousness, it is on Sumday when the great gods of ninjas and pirates alike join forces together, in the high heavens, to drink Diet Mountain Dew and rip totally sick solos on their Fender Nashville style Telecasters with the Seymour Duncan hot rails built in for extra hard southern rock mind-bottling face melting heart shredding brain freezing quadricep crampening 29 minute long versions of 4 minute songs so that you think the next guy is gonna take the next solo but then all of a sudden he starts breaking into Frankenstein by Edgar Winter Group at which point you're pretty much in it for the long haul because the rock is like an invincible force field that's also invisible so you can't even see how awesome it is but you can definitely feel it just like on that episode of Lost where those giant metal things are like fences that you can't go through unless you're that bad guy on the others but he would totally die in the next season if he actually heard the type of guitar solos I am talking about here which would pretty much be the only way to end that show?! Oh and by the way, I've been working on some acoustic guitar riffs because to be honest, that's the coolest way to add on to your already massive pile of babes.

His name is now officially Chad Ocho Cinco

2008-08-30T14:19:00.001-04:00

Is there a bigger pirate in all of professional sports? I think not...

http://sports.yahoo.com/nfl/news?slug=ap-bengals-ochocinco&prov=ap&type=lgns

Bengals WR Johnson reportedly changes name
Aug 29, 10:12 pm EDT
Buzz Up
Print
CINCINNATI (AP)—Maybe receiver Chad Johnson can go by the name that his head coach hates.
The Cincinnati Bengals receiver has legally changed his name to Chad Javon Ocho Cinco in Broward County, Fla., a switch that became official this week, according to several media reports. Johnson, who lives in Miami, didn’t return a message left on his cell phone Friday night.
“It’s something I don’t think anyone has ever done before,” he told the team’s Web site. “Have I ever had a reason for why I do what I do? I’m having fun.”
Two years ago, Johnson gave himself the moniker—a reference in Spanish to his No. 85—and put it on the back of his uniform before a game. Quarterback Carson Palmer ripped it off before the kickoff. After the season, coach Marvin Lewis—who dislikes Johnson’s attention-getting stunts—referred to the receiver as “Ocho Psycho.”
Bengals spokesman Jack Brennan said the Bengals had no comment on the matter.
Johnson has been a concern for the Bengals this season. He unsuccessfully lobbied for a trade in the offseason, threatening to sit out if he didn’t get his way. When the Bengals refused, he relented and showed up for minicamp, but complained that his right ankle was bothering him.
He had bone spurs removed from the ankle and was limited at the start of training camp. In the second preseason game, he landed awkwardly and temporarily dislocated his left shoulder. Johnson is wearing a harness and expects to play in the season opener against Baltimore.

The Daily Ninja Sermon

2008-08-28T21:55:00.004-04:00

The following is an excerpt from the top Secret Ninja Book of Excellence, Chapter 23; verses 12-21.

12 And then the ninja flew through the air doing a triple axle into a crowd of hippies and kicked all their faces in until they exploded. 13 It was awesome. 14 And then the ninja ripped out a super sweet Gibson Les Paul and started playing "One" by Metallica, which is impressive because it's really hard, you would know that if you played it on Guitar Hero.
15 Then all the sudden Metallica got all pissed off because they get all pissy about copyrighting stuff and plus they suck and don't write good music anymore. 16 This started a great battle between the members of Metallica and the great Ninja, and the Ninja started to insult Metallica like real bad saying stuff like "you guys are a giant pile of SUCK". 17 Lars Ulrich responded by saying "No we don't.. you guys". And right there the Ninja did a sick guitar solo where he played Jimi Hendrix's Voodoo Child with his toes.
18 Metallica left in shame, hanging their heads and having to change their pants because they lost control and crapped all over the place. 19 Then the most massive pile of gold and babes dropped out of the sky and spread throughout the land. 20 This is the first occurrence of "gold" and "babes" ever recorded, given to us by the Great Ninja GOD. 21 Unfortunately with this came the first pirates, which have been after the gold and babes ever since.
The End.

Ninjas in the news

2008-08-22T10:33:00.002-04:00

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,407925,00.html

Cops: Men Dressed Like Ninjas Targeted Drug Dealers
Thursday, August 21, 2008

E-Mail Print Share:

CLIFTON, N.J. — Clifton police said they arrested two men dressed liked ninjas and armed with Asian martial arts weapons who said they were sending a warning to drug users.

Calling themselves "Shinobi warriors," the men wore black SWAT-type vests and carried knives, throwing stars, swords, nunchucks and a bow and arrows.

After being arrested early Wednesday in a car on Route 46, the men said they were delivering warning letters to drug dealers and drug users urging them to stop their "impure" activities.

The letters said those who persisted would be stopped with "justified yet, merciful force."

Tadeusz Tertkiewicz, 20, and 19-year-old Jesse Trojaniak are charged with weapons possession. Tertkiewicz is also charged with harassment for a letter left for an ex-girlfriend.

Trojaniak's father tells The Associated Press his son is "not a maniac" and was only trying to help a friend.

Failblog

2008-08-22T09:59:00.002-04:00

Failblog.org is the biggest waste of time I have ever encountered and is almost fully responsible for the detriment of my mind as well as the lack of productivity I have only just recently encountered as a result of spending the majority of my time browsing through the pages and laughing uncontrollably in a work setting which favors those who are quiet as opposed to those who spend their time chuckling and sometimes bursting out in awkward fits of laughter that make the general populace of the workspace incredibly uncomfortable with their work environment AWESOME.

Awesome Site

2008-08-15T15:13:00.002-04:00

In case some of you haven't seen it, this is an awesome site that you must visit. It's called failblog, and it highlights some very insanely funny failures out there. I found it one day and it changed my life, unfortunately it meant "losing control" like all the friggin time but that's a small price to pay. So anyways, enjoy.
http://failblog.org/

Karaoke 200% Awesome Style

2008-08-15T01:17:00.001-04:00

200% Awesome Deathmatch Tournament

2008-08-13T11:47:00.002-04:00

After a quick chat with Captain Gone 2 Far about Scott Harrison, I went back to my desk and put on my headphones to block out the incessant sounds of Russian techno, coworkers talking to themselves and other general nonsense. The song, "Hook" by Blues Traveler, right in the middle of one of the seven harmonica solos he plays in that song. And then the idea came up.

Scott Harrison vs. John Popper of Blues Traveler. Each guy gets one weapon, Popper's is obviously the harmonica. Scott Harrison's I'm not sure. But I'm gonna come up with a bunch of other matchups and then we'll start debates and put together a bracket for the tournament and it's all gonna end up on CNN. I'm losing my mind. Got it? Break!

(leave comments)

Sports

2008-08-11T00:45:00.002-04:00

A few quick observations from a pirate about sports:

The Red Sox trade away their biggest ninja player, who seems to be talking about joining the enemy: the Yankees. Also, more and more resembling the biggest enemy: the hippies.

The Red Sox acquire Canadian slugger and all around awesome dude Jason Bay, formerly a member of the...that's right, Pirates...

I have also discovered there is a Cuban women's volleyball team. Sweet.

Blurnsday!

2008-07-22T18:39:00.001-04:00

The Onion has written a hilarious article, one that speaks of a topic that hits close to home, my hatred of Tuesday. Enjoy.

http://www.theonion.com/content/news/it_only_tuesday

Ninja Farmers!

2008-07-20T22:04:00.003-04:00

Alright this is a really quick story about a bunch of ninjas that worked on a farm. I sort of hyperlinked my blog to my other one and when they click on this link they are going to expect some type of story about ninjas attacking me with milk.

So I was minding my own business doing what I normally do on Sunday afternoons which is play Ms. Pacman down at the arcade with the senior citizens. They always make me feel stupid because I totally dominate at Ms. Pacman against my friends but then I just get schooled. Like after schooled. Like after school special. Like that one when Calista Flockhart has bulimia. Haha. Ally McMeal. That's not funny.

Anyways these ninjas came and tried to pour milk down my mouth and I was like 'BACK OFF OF ME MAN I'M LACTOSE INTOLERANT!!!"

For our #1 Fan

2008-07-16T11:18:00.002-04:00

Celular said...
Hello. This post is likeable, and your blog is very interesting, congratulations :-). I will add in my blogroll =). If possible gives a last there on my blog, it is about the Celular, I hope you enjoy. The address is http://telefone-celular-brasil.blogspot.com. A hug.
April 6, 2008 11:05 AM

A song:

Like the fiery pits of hell you are
Dominant and awesome Celular
I am glad you think our post is likeable
Cooler than that game Excitebike-able
Very interesting, that's correct
Chuck Norris once snapped a million necks
I wish I could make just one phone call
To the Cuban chicks for laughing, one and all
Ninjas and pirates that like to kill
But Celular is the best in all Brazil!

En português:

Uma canção:

Como os poços de inferno impetuosos você é
Celular dominante e impressionante
Eu estou contente você penso que nosso borne é likeable
Refrigerador do que esse jogo Excitebike-able
Muito interessante, isso está correto
Chuck Norris agarrou uma vez milhão gargantas
Eu desejo que eu poderia fazer apenas uma chamada de telefone
Aos pintainhos cubanos para rir, um e tudo
Ninjas e piratas que como a matar
Mas Celular é o melhor em todo o Brasil!

Let me just make sure that the translator is correct:
Portugese back to English:

As the impetuous wells of hell
you are Cellular dominant and impressive
I am contented you I think that our post is likeable
Coolant of what this Excitebike-able game
Very interesting, this is correct
Chuck Norris grasped a time million throats
I desire that I could make only one call of telephone
To the Cuban chicks to laugh, one and everything
Ninjas and pirates who I eat to kill
But Cellular he is optimum in all Brazil!

Perfeito.

The Incredible Mr. Astley

2008-07-15T18:09:00.002-04:00

So the other day I went to the grocery store to pick up a few things. No big whoop. By the way, why is it always hard to find the one thing you need when you go grocery shopping? I mean I only needed like 2 items and one of them was zip lock bags and I couldn't find them. So I asked some redneck dude where the zip lock bags were. He goes "Why would you be asking me that?" and I was like "so you don't work here", he goes "no!" and I think "Well you a-hole, then don't wear a brown shirt that makes you look like an employee!" I mean that's just common sense. Then in my mind right there I drop kicked him in his face and he ran away and brought me my zip lock bags and whole bunch of other cool crap like diet mountain dew.

So anyways that really doesn't have any relevance to what I want to talk about whatsoever, which is Rick Astley, who is probably the most awesome person on the planet. I mean, that deep baritone voice combined with synthesized 80's pop music combined with his ridiculous fashion sense combined with his even more ridiculous dance moves make him a serious consideration for the 8th wonder of the world. Who is this guy and where did he come from? I mean, I just can't keep my mind off of Rick Astley, and no I'm not gay I just aspire to be like him in every way. His hit single "Never gonna give you up" is playing through my mind like background music 24 hours a day, even when I sleep. When I walk down the street I do my patented Rick Astley dance moves, which make me look like a complete a-hole but I couldn't care less! Rick Astley is the MAN!

There are just so many questions I would love to ask Rick, such as "where have you been for the last few years?" and I know the answer would be something sweet such as "you know Joel, first off you are awesome, like the coolest person besides me. But anyways, I have been in India meditating like 24 hours a day because I'm awesome like that and because I don't give a crap about anyone else. And also, because I just feel like it and I'm Rick Astley so I can do whatever I want so there you go". And then I would be so in awe because of that awesome answer I would probably do a drop kick right there and either kill someone or hurt myself. That's how excited I am about Rick Astley. Besides that I would ask him "so Rick, can I rip a sick guitar solo while you sing" and we would jam out and create the sweetest music known to man for like 12 hours straight, followed by the sweetest party with piles of gold and babes everywhere and NO pirates cuz we killed them all with our sweet music and no hippies because Rick's prescience was too much awesome for them. In any case it would be the sweetest time anyone has ever had.

Peace out.

Ninja Master

Ninjas at the Mall: A True Story

2008-07-14T22:12:00.002-04:00

So I was at the mall picking up some crap and I saw the most ridiculous looking babe in the world I almost crapped my pants. Almost. Then I saw her kid. I quickly grabbed a rope swing and shot up like infinity feet up to the second floor of the mall. Next thing I know, I'm at the video game store. The game was about ninjas.

I hate ninjas. But not as much as I hate hippies. Hippies you can smell from anywhere, especially from their favorite hang out, Orange Julius. Eat a steak you dirty moocher. Sometimes you bump into some people that totally suck. Like this one guy, he had a Jack Black t-shirt on. It wasn't even like, Tenacious D, or Nacho Libre, or some other stupid thing. Just Jack Black. I would chop that guy up into pieces and feed him to the octopus. And the platypus.

This guy was like "Uh...I totally like jas".

I was like, "Jaws? Like the shark movie? F*ck yeah!"

He took a sip of his Orange Julius and answered back to me "Uh...no...dummy...jas".

"Jazz?" I mean, sometimes it's hippie music but it's alright, I mean everyone likes some jazz...you know...Cuban jazz...you know...like...right? Know what I'm sayin? Are you smellin' what I'm cookin' here dude? I mean...that's cool AWWWW YEEAHHH DDUUUUDDEEE

"No....uhhhh....NIN...jas....you big stupid face, they're called jas...totally radical"

I was about to beat the living and the dead and the zombie crap out of this butt wipe. Then a friggin ninja showed up (he used the same rope after he saw that hot babe's kid) and friggin sliced this dude's neck with a friggin kitana blade. What the frig! Well, I flipped out, and the ninja totally flipped out...like ninjas always friggin do...and since we were in the video game store, I tore into "Stricken" by Disturbed on Guitar Hero 3. Laughing parties ensued. The end.

This Blog is F*CKING AWESOME

2008-06-26T12:40:00.002-04:00

You have got to be....f*cking kidding me.

This blog is approaching its one year anniversary, August 8th, 2008. 8/8/08 for those of you who can't read (or write). We have received zero awards. We have received zero offers to buy this website and all of its intellectual property. This is me, Surly Blondbeard, calling you out.

Me and my business partner, the somewhat present but always dominating Ninja Master, known to some as Joel, have dedicated hours and hours of company time towards compiling the most awesome things of all time on one easy to reference platform, the 200% Awesome blog. We are connected via Technorati (love you), Facebook (thanks for destroying my life), Myspace (you're like the Scott Baio of the Internet right now, step it up b*tch), and a whole bunch of other stuff.

I have been experiencing some hard times lately. Such as, oh let's take a look, I'm in a totally sick band now which pretty much dominates harder than an exploding volcano giving Cuban chicks laughing parties with its liquid hot MAGMA. I've also been drinking more. Eating less. Making mad bills. And I'm like this close to acquiring the greatest vehicle built by some of the greatest people on Earth. Thank you Sweden, and thank you Volvo.

So there you have it, I'm sick of this crap, I'm gonna go grab some sushi or a salad and flex my muscles all around town because it's lunchtime dammit. Somebody buy the 200% Awesome brand. It's a cash cow that makes the sweetest cash milk and the juiciest cash steaks. It's cash fed 200% Awesome cash beef. Oh baby I'm on fire right now. Thanks for reading. AWW YEAH DUDE.

Awesomely yours,
Matt the Bada$$ Surly Pirate

Imagination Station

2008-04-13T23:53:00.004-04:00

Just a quick thought. A word to all readers, adults and children alike. Never give up on your imagination. It totally had your back when you were a kid and you had, like, NO cool toys. It totally had your back when you were in high school and you came up with dumb ways to get over the whole awkward "oh man I totally want to LP that chick but I'm pretty much the biggest MCA I know" (I need to update the glossary, this will make sense later). And for we, the "facebook generation", it totally has our back in coming up with innovative ways to find and maintain jobs, which is totally bogus because we are all brilliant morons with short attention spans. I am writing this on a Sunday night, but I will probably upload some stupid photos up during the busiest part of my work day tomorrow.

Anyways, I was originally going to make a post about the Boston Red Sox (simulcast with my other hit blog, "Tacoby Bellsbury", classifying both current and past Sox and their affiliations to the Ninja, Pirate, Hippie or Redneck sectors of Red Sox Nation. Instead, I wanted to take a moment to appreciate that my imagination has not died, I am not a complete mindless drone quite yet; I believe the fountain of youth really lies in the way you live. Keep the imagination running and take the time to "play" (music, sports, laughing parties, creating and maintaining awful websites, watching cartoons, you get the idea). I drink water and eat oranges at work because it reminds me of being a kid and playing soccer games during the weekend. I also happen to look and act like a six year old. Same difference.

Don't fret, that Red Sox blog will come soon, as will the reporting of one of the most epic quests a ninja has ever taken. I expect nothing less from a person whose imagination matches or exceeds my own. Most of the people that read this are, how I say, "special" just like the authors, but you know just keep up the creative imagination-y kid stuff and encourage others to do the same. Leave a comment or draw me a picture or something, whatever you do. Aww yeah dude.

Who do you want as President, a Ninja, Pirate or Hippie?

2008-03-05T13:12:00.012-05:00

-Posted by N. Master, Sr. Correspondant for The Ninja Times

March 5, 2008

This article is awesome. Why? Well first, because I wrote it. Second, because it’s on this site. And mostly, because it’s about something no one has reported on before, and that is on the affiliations of all the major candidates running for President of the United States of America. See, every person is either a Pirate, Ninja, or Hippie. They can also be a redneck, but I’m pretty sure that only happens when people inbreed. Rednecks should never be elected to high offices, but it happens. In any case, I wanted to inform you of the implications of the stances of each of the candidates, not so much on issues like immigration or taxes or on the war or healthcare, but things like who has the best nun chuck skills. Or who can drink a whole bottle of rum and still be able to make a pile of stolen gold and babes into a pyramid. Stuff like that. Aren’t you so glad you’re reading this? Yeah, you are. So anyways, I got to talk to Senators Clinton, Obama, and McCain. IT was awesome. And you will find out who is what, and what they will do if elected President.

I first asked Ninja-Senator Barack (if you say his middle name he’ll pile drive you into an erupting volcano- trust me, I know from experience) Obama what the first thing he would do once elected as President. “Oh that’s a friggin easy one. First, I would throw a ninja star real hard. So hard that it would travel into outer space and land somewhere in Pakistan or Afghanistan and kill Osama Bin Laden. That’s how sweet my ninja star skills are. And then I’ll do a sick guitar solo, lasting approximately three days and people can come party at the oval office. It’ll be the sweetest party of all time”

When asked about how he views chuck Norris, Obama answered “I have great respect and admiration for Mr. Norris. And although we don’t agree on all things, we share a common goal, and that is to be the greatest ninjas ever… and also to destroy stuff, especially hippies everywhere. It’s because of this that I plan on making Chuck Norris my Secretary of Roundhouse Kicks and Hippie Affairs. Together, we will roundhouse kick North Korea, and then Iran, which will lead to World Peace. Afterwards we’ll eat some delicious nachos.”

But before Obama can even start thinking about the White House, he must first beat out the Super Hippie candidate, Mrs. Hillary Clinton. I asked Clinton about Senator Obama, and her plan on beating him to secure the nomination, to which she responded “hey, do you have any more Spicy Nacho Doritos?”. When I said, no, she told me that it was her primary objective to give every American as much Spicy Nacho Doritos as they wanted. She then proceeded to dance around like an idiot for several hours to some hippie music. I’m pretty sure she had no idea where she was or what she was doing. Hippies do that most of the time, or so I am told.

John McCain, the Pirate candidate, seemed to be very confident in his ability to win the Presidency. When asked how his policies differ from both Obama and Clinton’s, he responded “the problem we have is that we are losing all our gold and babes. It’s all going to China, and the Chinese are having ridiculous parties because they steal our gold, and then our babes, and then they just party REAL hard. They are better pirates than us, because they like educate their people to be pirates, it’s crazy. Obama can talk all he wants about roundhouse kicking the North Koreans, and Clinton can give us all the Spicy Nacho Doritos that Americans clearly crave, but come on people! We NEED gold and babes! It’s what makes America great, that and Bon Jovi’s breakthrough album “Slippery When Wet”. I could rock out to that like all day while drinking some sweet rum. Aw yeah dude. What were we talking about again?”

So there you have it. If you read this whole story, then you are completely (at LEAST 200%) better educated on the candidates than you were before. And you have all the info you need to make your decision when it comes time to vote for whatever Ninja, Pirate, or Hippie you choose. And if you feel differently you can get the heck off this site, because you suck at life. Better luck not sucking elsewhere.

So True

2008-02-27T13:42:00.002-05:00

Enough Said.

Losing

2008-02-27T10:16:00.003-05:00

This doesn't describe this site... in fact it's the exact opposite of what we do. But this poster describes most of the other stupid blogs out there. And to them I say, you guys are really terrific..... at losing.

What Our Cars Look Like

2008-02-27T09:38:00.002-05:00

Skippy's Nissan Sentra and Archie's Toyota Tercel. Because we are the sh*t.

Happy Non-Blurnsday

2008-02-27T08:27:00.003-05:00

First of all, just wanted to let you all know that I survived Blurnsday (formerly known as Tuesday) once again. Also, I did not spontaneously combust due to burning rage, and I did not ragify into Beast Mode and do a combo dropkick-piledriver move on Brittany Spears, instantly destroying her (though I really wanted to).
No, my Blurnsday was much more subdued. But even though it is no longer known as Tuesday, which is by far the most evil day of the week, I am still glad it is over. See, I thought I could destroy the whole idea of Tuesday forever by making it NOT Tuesday, and into a whole new day known as Blurnsday. But, in fact, Blurnsday also sucks, and I already hate the day known as Blurnsday. So next week, I shall call it Blankday. So if I don't see you next week, have a very safe and happy Blankday... because I know I sure as heck won't.

Dead Rising and Jazzercising

2008-02-25T09:54:00.002-05:00

8:00am. Alarm blares in my face. Shower. Change clothes. And go.

9:00am. Arrive at work. Re-acquaint self with the domination station. Fiercely prepare for the most dominant and beastmodical work day of all time. Mental gymnastics. Calisthenics. Check email.

9:57am. Senior citizens in building space below us begin pumping Eastern European techno tracks through their subwoofers.

9:58am. The sound of old people clogs stomping on parkay type dance floor resonates upward into my cubicle.

This has been my day so far. "Happy Monday".

Domination Station

2008-01-28T14:03:00.000-05:00

There are times in every man's life when they have an epiphany, a realization of greatness that transcends normal human understanding. OK, so maybe not every man has these moments, especially not hippies (though they think they have them all the time) but my point is that just now I came up with the most incredible idea. My idea is about video games. See, most video games and video game consoles suck. In fact, they are entirely too easy and not nearly exciting enough. This is what makes ninjas flip out and kill people: they go on their PS2, play for like 5 minutes get really bored and go into beast mode (specifically the bad, destructive beast mode which ends in death and suffering, not the good kind which... I'll get into that at a latter time) and that's when stuff dies. It is because of this that office buildings everywhere have weekly incidents of giant logs being found on top of fax machines (that joke just never gets old). Ninjas are a pissed off group of people, but usually a pissed off ninja can be dealt with. A Ninja in Beast Mode, however, requires an extreme amount of force to be brought down, and I mean EXTREME. Like, more than a regular radioactive panther... more like a pre-historic mutant hippopotamus on crack, with razor sharp antlers. And I'm pretty sure the ninja would still kill it, he would just get slowed down a little. That's a great idea for a new picture by the way.... I impress myself everday.

In any case, it's extremely important that we, as a human race, develop a video game system that will satisfy the needs of ninjas everywhere. Video games are vital in the daily lives of ninjas, and ninjas love their video games just as hippies love to smoke doobies and pirates love drinking rum getting really rowdy. So, what's the answer to this dilemma? The DominationStation. Unlike the PlayStation, where you only PLAY video games, this avails every willing participant (albeit a participant with a certain amount of skill) to DOMINATE. The games will be realistic and awesome, and the controllers will allow the user to go into BEAST MODE after attaining a certain level of dominance, at which point they pull the BEAST MODE lever, delivering them into an inexplicable world of awesomeness. Does this sound intense? It's more intense than a ninja who just chugged a baker's dozen Diet Mountain Dews, and that's actually clinically proven to be true.

Also, the DominationStation won't have any numbers, like Playstation2 or 3.... NO. There is only ONE, and it NEVER needs to be updated.

Right now the Domination Station is just in its test phases, and all progress on it has been kept secret. If it falls into the wrong hands, devastating things can happen. For instance, only ninjas can posses the Domination Station. If a Hippie gets one, he or she will hook it up, totally suck at playing and then realize that it's too awesome for them,. They will then try to return it and say that it's the evil corporation's fault or some other nonsense like that. Pirates also can't use the DominationStation, partially because they are usually too inebriated to even hook it up. In any case, it's only for Ninjas, because it fulfills the requirement for Video Game BeastMode, which is one of the many forms of beast mode. Others include Destructive beast mode (where you get super pissed off and start destroying stuff), Final Jeopardy beast mode (and since this is a family weblog, I won't elaborate but it's awesome) and General beast mode (where you are just rocking and dominating and you realize that stuff is dying around you). So yeah, this is a really great invention. I will use the latest, cutting edge technology (Microsoft paint) to draw a picture of the prototype, controller and all. I have a feeling that this invention will really take off, and I may even make tens of dollars from this, which would be awesome. So keep an eye out for the DominationStation, which may make me rich enough to move out of my van, who knows?

Later.

Winter X Games

2008-01-27T17:53:00.000-05:00

Just wanted to take a quick minute to remind all of our fans, pirates and ninjas alike, that the Winter X Games are totally awesome. This is the kind of stuff that people need to be doing to prolong the existance of awesome crap in our society. Being awesome is a privilege, not a right, and you need to take advantage of all the privileges you have in life. I mean, you're not a hippie, are you?

Year of the Awesome

2008-01-27T17:12:00.000-05:00

Here's the deal a******s:

2007 was the crappiest piece of crap year that the world ever crapped out of its pants. I mean sure there were a few things that made 2007 spectacular. Last year was nothing more than a set-up for what is about to happen in 2008. This is why I have decided to do what had to be done: set my 2008 new years resolutions.

In fact, I think that resolution in itself is a crappy word that sucks. The lifeless losers at Webster's define "resolution" as the act or process of resolving: as a: the act of analyzing a complex notion into simpler ones b: the act of answering : solving c: the act of determining d: the passing of a voice part from a dissonant to a consonant tone or the progression of a chord from dissonance to consonance or more ridiculous crap which basically just means I haven't won yet and I probably will never ever win in the history of the universe.

Safe to say, if you're a katana wielding bridge jumping off train jumping on swan diving triple flipping dagger throwing book of secret totally sick moves writing book of secret totally sick moves reading mathematically discovering the formula for how Chuck Norris kicks faces off discovering AC/DC cranking meditating over herbal tea and pictures of Jessica Biel transcendentalizing...fundamentally dominant ninja...

You're not gonna walk past a fax machine without dropping a monster log on it.

And I'm pretty sure it goes without saying if you are a rum guzzling beard stroking parrot training bow and arrow wielding monkey training alligator wrestling broken bottle of gin used as a weapon stabbing barrel rolling cannon loading cannon shooting cannon throwing over a boat-ing Cannonball Run watching Run DMC listening knives sharpening belt loosening dart throwing pool playing chair breaking radiator defenestrating......intrinsically beastmodical pirate...

You're gonna put up with this caca.

2007.

Worst year in the world.

Until the birth of 200% Awesome.

This is the first full year of 200% Awesome coming up so I think it's only fair that certain resolutions be made. But since resolution isn't awesome enough, we need only to come up with a new word for this list of goals to be achieved by year's end.

The Hunt For Red Bag of Doritos

2007-12-13T11:04:00.000-05:00

EPISODE I: THE PHANTOM TORTILLAS

In the winter of 2007, there was a land of great prosperity, a place where millions of dollars were made and the freshest coffee of all the land flowed like wine from magical mountains. There was a place where one could retreat from the hustle and bustle of everyday life and refresh their bodies, reflect with their minds and rejuvenate their souls.

Sure, this was just an office break room but to some individuals it was so much more. This was a place where a man could construct a breakfast out of the previously described nectar of the coffee gods along side a hearty wheat based salty meal product which the natives called "pretzel rods". Fascinating stuff. This was a place where men and women discussed their well made plans for the weekends, a location where people brought together the elements of water, fire and the microwave to heat up their lunches and feast upon the bounty of Lean Cuisines and Hot Pockets. A place like this was truly sacred.

All was well, all was merry, everyday was a holiday...until one day...fate placed its hand upon the most sacred of artifacts to be found in this treasure cove: the vending machine.

WILL THEY EVER REMOVE THE DORITOS FROM THE VENDING MACHINE? WILL EVERYONE DRINK SO MUCH COFFEE THAT THEY GO COMPLETELY CRAZY? WHAT'S THE DEAL WITH EATING PRETZEL RODS FOR BREAKFAST?

STAY TUNED FOR EPISODE 2 OF: THE HUNT FOR RED BAG OF DORITOS

Welcome to 200% Awesome, Again (More Ninja and Pirate Excellence)

2007-12-10T17:01:00.001-05:00

There has been a delay in our posts lately due to Thanksgiving related Beast Mode, also due to a massive amount of domination and disrespect throughout the land. Soon you will hear the tale of how the ninjas saved Thanksgiving, the never ending battle against the Hippies, how Guitar Hero destroyed one pirate's personal life and several other totally intense awesomeness-laden posts in what has already been nominated Most Dominant and Totally Awesome Website of 2007.

Thank you for your ongoing support. For those of you who have never visited this site, I suggest you start at the beginning. Read the earliest post and find out how 200% Awesome came to existence. Oh yes, there are many theories as to how this all took place, but in actuality there is only one. Well okay, there's pretty much two ways of how this ish went down.

Swashbuckingly yours,
Surly Blondbeard

Our New Game! Pick 3 Minions!

2007-11-15T13:07:00.000-05:00

Let's say you were the CEO of a multinational organization, you are big time, I mean big pimpin' spendin' G's, you would have a right hand man, nay you would have two minions like the bad guy in Princess Bride, NAY, you would have 3 minions to do your bidding, and you would need to make sure that you had a well-rounded staff, 3 minions to really get it all done for you and your multinational corporation.

We invite all of you to play, please invite all of your friends to play, tell them to invite all of their friends to play, quite frankly everybody needs to go on this website and tell us who your 3 minions would be.

One suggestion: Get some eye candy, some brawn, some brains.

But you can set this thing up however you want...leave comments on this blog and maybe we'll set up a site in the future featuring all of the best minion collections. After all, what is a CEO of a multinational corporation, or an actor, or a rock star, a rapper, anybody who's anybody, without their entourage?

Pick 3 Minions. Pass it on.

Surly Pirate Doing a Jig

2007-11-14T16:42:00.000-05:00

My crazy pirate friend is working on an excellent article pertaining to Beast Mode (which I am awaiting with anticipation) but in the mean time, I thought it would be appropriate to post a picture of a surly pirate doing a jig in New York City next to a homeless saxaphone player. I can't think of a more suitable picture that fully encompasses everything about Pirates, and the art of Piracy. Enjoy.

New Pictures

2007-11-08T17:23:00.001-05:00

Please note that we have added some awesome new multimedia on this site. Be advised that we used state of the art technology and techniques, as well as loads of time to create these masterpieces. They are awesome. And they show how we view the world, which is to say, it's like looking through the eyes of a mentally unstable person.

So please enjoy, and feel free to comment. We cherish compliments, insults, and requests. Our aim is to give the people what they want, and the people want awesome stuff. That's what we provide.

AWESOME idea

2007-11-02T11:04:00.000-04:00

Ok, so this idea of merchandising is excellent. I nominate myself to contribute some artwork to this cause. I don't want to pat myself on the back or anything, but I would say my artistic skills are stellar. Check out this masterpiece entitled "Eric vs. the Radioactive Panther" (and it didn't take me 45 minutes, it took me like 30, most of which was spent doing the detail of the flame on the burning tire).

Merchandising

2007-11-02T10:42:00.000-04:00

So we've begun to realize that 200% Awesome is sweeping the nation. After the Blogger website took flight, we have settled into Facebook due to the erection of a group by the fans, for the fans, of 200% Awesome. This Facebook group is the greatest erection that has ever been erected. Shortly after that, 200% Awesome became a multimedia giant by showing the Internet world the power of music videos, photos and rumors became spread that 200% Awesome would soon be producing original music and videos. All the fans wait in anticipation for these soon to be erected productions. 200% Awesome, like any other business, needs to seize the moment and create merchandise for the fans, because let's face it: people love merchandise.

We at 200% Awesome need your help deciding what types of products that the world needs. Does the world need T-shirts? Perhaps some stickers would be nifty. Before we produce the DVD and the interactive 200% Awesome video game, we need to get some more funds. Here are some ideas for T-shirts, stickers, underwear and everything else we can market to you fine individuals:

I don't know what other logos we will have besides the Awesometer, and this thing that "Ninja Master" has been drawing for like 45 minutes at his desk, something to do with a dude spraying mace in the eyes of a radioactive panther...I like it, maybe Ninja Master will post the "artwork". Alright cats, thanks for reading, leave some comments and we'll have lots more crazy stuff coming at you in no time flat.

Winningly yours,
200% Awesome

China Grove Intro

2007-10-18T12:49:00.000-04:00

This is basically what a ninja looks like when rocking out the intro to "China Grove" by The Doobie Brothers.

I know this because this photo was taken on a cell phone.

Then the cell phone exploded.

Ninja Dance Hall Reggae Pirate Dub Sound System parts 1 2 & 3

2007-10-15T09:00:00.000-04:00

DO NOT READ THIS STORY IF YOU CAN NOT ACCESS YOUTUBE VIDEOS. WAIT UNTIL YOU HAVE ACCESS TO THE VIDEOS BEFORE READING THIS STORY. THANK YOU.

Warning: This Blog Contains Awesome Music Videos Which May Explode Your Face

One incredibly rambunctious day there was a pirate who worked harder than any other pirate on any other day in the history of pirates. This is the story of that pirate and that hard working day. This is the story of how ninjas try to ruin a perfectly good pirate party. This is a story that should be made into a movie solely because of its soundtrack. And its special effects. And its heartfelt drama. And its totally sick action scenes. This movie would be so sick that it would top the box office charts, win a crap load of awards and stuff, plus you would be able to get a toy from the movie with a purchase of a Kids Meal at Burger King. And not like a lame toy either but one of the really cool ones, maybe even a DVD or like an MP3 player or something, at the very least it would be a really awesome action figure, but not a lame action figure but one that did something cool, not just stand there and do nothing. Those are the kinds of kids meal toys that end up at yard sales, this movie would produce collectible kids meal toys.

PART 1:

So this pirate was working his booty off just to make enough loot to pay for his grub and pay for his rent. As you probably know, pirates love to party a lot more than they like to work. At the end of a long day at work, a pirate likes to enjoy a pint of ale or possibly just sit out on the deck and enjoy some sun. On this particular day, the pirate was incredibly stressed out. He got into his car and turned on the radio. This wonderful song came on the radio:

This was incredible. Suddenly the pirate was an extreme state of relaxation. He wasn't completely sure of what the reggae man was saying, but he did know it had something to do with something coming back around. One can only assume that he was referring to the pumpkin muffin, currently available at Dunkin' Donuts. I bet that would taste really good with a Maple Cheddar Breakfast Sandwich. Oh wait, they don't have those anymore, my mistake. This story is not about how awesome that sandwich used to be and how heartbroken all the ninjas are now that they are no longer available. Go wait in line at McDonalds for a McGriddle you McLosers. Yes, that was incredible.

So all the pirates got together to wait for the football game to come on. What better thing to do than order a couple of pizzas and listen to some choice reggae music on the local radio station, Emerson College Radio 88.9 WERS. I mean, wow, what a radio station. Seven o'clock rolls around, oh wait, it's definitely reggae time. After that incredible Collie Buddz song came on, the pirates started to get worried. "What we be listenin' to when the commercial break be on", asked one drunken pirate moron. "Aye, the reggae be the only music for me, it reminds me of when we crash our pirate ships on some island and they are playing music and all the ladies be shaking their booties, yarrr". "Yarr, I also love old school hip-hop". "Aye, that's kind of a stretch, but partial credit", commented the pirate leader, the one and only Surly Blondbeard. "Yeah that has nothing to do with this story", added me, the narrator.

All of a sudden, the radio changes stations! "Yarr, who have the remote"?

After watching this video, you'll know that this work had nothing to do with pirates, most of which don't even know how to work a remote for a radio or CD player, let alone locate such a remote unless it was buried deep in the ocean blue or at the very least, located on some type of treasure map with the X marks the spot. This was the work of a band of ninja dance club masters, a band of ninja dance club masters so sinister that they would interrupt a perfectly good reggae pirate party in favor of some 17 year old kid dancing around like a nincompoop.

Note: As I write this, I just want to say that I haven't actually watched these videos. Chris Brown might be the greatest dancer the world has ever seen, I certainly hope he is. Regardless, this story must continue to be told, primarily because it is 100% true. And 200% awesome.

PART 2:

"We think that reggae is okay but it is terrible to dance to", said the lead ninja.

"What are you talking about landlubber, I'm dancing right now!!", a pirate responded.

"Perhaps you are not dancing but just swaying back and forth because you are on land right now and you are used to being on a ship which sways back and forth because the ship is on the sea and when you're on the ocean you get used to the swaying back and forth so it's not actually dancing that you're doing but you're actually just trying to keep your balance even though the floor isn't actually moving but you're just so used to the floor moving because the floor is actually on the ocean which has an abundance of waves and other moving activity", the ninja replied.

"Or perhaps I be drunk, smarty pants".

One of the ninjas just stood there drinking grape soda and eating Lays Classic potato chips.

"LADS, JUST PUT THE CURSED REGGAE BACK ON, IT WILL RELAX THIS BAND OF ANGRY NINJA DANCE MASTER KARATE LANDLUBBERS AND WE SHALL ENJOY THE SMOOTH RELAXING SOUNDS OF CARIBBEAN MUSIC ONCE AGAIN!", Surly Blondbeard exalted.

One pirate who was near the stereo punched the entire entertainment center and somehow, most likely related to Davey Jones' Locker, a giant TV shot out of the whole thing and this video came on, shocking the ninjas out of the pirate hang out for good: You gotta see this nonsense.

Holy ****....mmkay?

Part 3:

A thunderous roar emits from outside. It sounds like something has caused the greatest most powerful earthquake. The ground trembles below the pirate shack hangout and swords and skulls crash to the ground with all of the other ancient pirate memorabilia that the pirates have collected, stolen and ordered from Home Shopping Network over the years. A giant box filled with a 38 piece set of authentic pirate scimitars, rapiers and battle axes falls to the floor with a CLANG! So much cheap metal clanging against each other is like cat claws scraping against a chalkboard to the somewhat hard of hearing pirate gang. Windows begin breaking and doors begin shaking and the floor is earthquaking and the chicken pot pie in the oven keeps baking. Pirates make a pretty amazing chicken pot pie. Surprised you didn't know that.

A blinding light shines throughout the sky and something glows from underground. Someone knocks on the door. RAP RAP RAP on the front door. "Who ye be?!?!" cries the pirate who just lost control of himself. "Who...ye....be...?!?!".

RAP.

RAP.

RAP.

On the front door. "Tell me this instant, who ye be". The pirates hear a soft clicking and clacking, clicking and clacking, clicking and clacking from outside the front door. "WHO YE BE! WHO CAN IT BE?!?!"

RAP.

RAP.

Click clack click. Click clack click.

Click.

Clack.

"WE MUST PROTECT THIS HOUSE!", yelled the pirates in unison.

Click clack click. Click clack click.

WHAT YOU ARE ABOUT TO HEAR WILL CHANGE YOUR LIFE FOREVER. CLOSE THIS TALE NOW IF YOU CAN NOT LIVE WITH THIS FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. IF YOU CHOOSE TO PROCEED, WATCH THE VIDEO BEFORE YOU.

The End

or is it?
?!?!?!?!?!?!?

The Legend of Ken

2007-10-08T13:26:00.000-04:00

Who is Ken? I'll tell you. He is a living legend.

A few facts about Ken:

-He was born in outer space, and inherited some super powers from an alien lifeform that made him the greatest entertainer of all time.

-His albums didn't sell well here on Earth, but his album titled "Ken: by request only" has sold more times than any other album in the galaxy. He is a legend among far more intelligent alien beings.

- His music has helped spread intergalactic peace everywhere.

-He could stop global warming if he wanted to, but he really enjoys warm weather.

-Ken's album cover (pictured on this site) was named the worst album cover of all time, which is ironic because that determination was made on opposite day, making it the GREATEST album cover of all time for the greatest album of all time.

-Ken's helmet hair is stronger than steel. It is also the most fire resistant material ever found. The government wanted a piece of it to study it, but Ken wouldn't allow it, instead he dropkicked a bunch of people until everyone left him alone.

-Ken currently resides somewhere in Iowa. This is because no one really lives in Iowa, and Ken is such a phenomenal superstar, he must keep a low profile.

-If you ever stared Ken in the eyes, you would probably grow sideburns and a mustache. Or just die. But Ken doesn't look anyone in the eyes, even himself.

-Ken owns the largest collection of combs in the galaxy.

-He shares a lot in common with Superman, except Ken's superhero suit is made of polyester and looks way more sweet.

-If you play his music backwards, Ken will haunt your dreams forever.

Thursday Pirate Attack

2007-09-27T13:39:00.000-04:00

Surly Blondbeard: Where are you going to lunch, somewhere far away?

Ninja Master: Yes.

Surly: An undisclosed location?

Ninja: Possibly, yes.

S: Maybe a ninja cave?

N: If I can find one, yes.

S: I heard the Maple Cheddar Breakfast Sandwich is back.

N: Where did you hear that?!

S: Iuhno, I just made it up.

Jenna: (laughs)

N: Why do you torment me?!

***Thursday Pirate attack: Successful***

Surly: Aw I feel bad now!

Ninja Master: No you don't, pirates don't feel bad about anything!

Talk Like A Pirate Day

2007-09-19T09:40:00.000-04:00

Log - A book where all you pirates can write about your daily adventures. Don't forget to include dates, times and places. Oh yes, and NAMES!

(From "A Real Pirate Dictionary For Real Pirates")

"My story" by Surly Blondbeard

On a day like today, I be rather thankful that we pirates have these "Interwebs" to keep our logs of our daily adventures. I have been on many daring adventures lately, including a journey to New Hampshire and a riveting game of kickball. In addition, I had graced with my pirate presence a little something called the Sam Adams Beer Summit. Once I found out that there was a castle in Boston chock full of bountiful treasures such as grog and booty, I could not possibly resist.

However, I will not be writing about these tales today. In fact, I will most likely not remember any of them. Today I write about Talk Like A Pirate Day. Or maybe about buried treasure. Or maybe I'll begin writing me memoirs. Pirates always have the best memoirs. I mean, have you ever read a memoir written by a ninja? Exactly.

One time, a ninja read to me a story he wrote. It was a ghost story about a big bad ghost that haunted his dojo. The dojo landlord told all the ninjas that it was an ominous presence in the dojo that wanted the ninjas to train harder and sacrifice more of their monthly income for the dojo and the ghost master that haunted the ninjas from within the dojo walls. It was the bloody heater making that racket. For lack of a better term, ninjas are a bunch of ******s.

Anyways, I was going to write about Talk Like a Pirate Day. Can you believe that the Saints lost to the Buccaneers? I certainly can. They have a matey on that team named Cadillac. I don't know what that be, but it sounds like it's worth a lot of loot! I like the Buccaneers because they have no manners and they would be a fine crew for a pirate ship. And how about them Pirates? Yarrr, tis a terrible baseball club.

Talk Like A Pirate Day, right. What's the deal with OJ Simpson? Did someone really steal his sh*t? Don't blame the pirates on this one, matey. We was simply working our day jobs whilst those robberies took place. Why would pirates decide to plunder the memorabilia of your crazy arse anyways? Kind of like the time I stole that autograph of Walter Payton, or the time me and my fellow scallywags thrifted a giant Coffee Coolatta sign from Dunkin Donuts (which at the time, the pirates did not own).

Let me also take this opportunity to write about one of the finest swashbucklers around. His name is Surly Blondbeard. What a handsome lad! Yar, tis I. Ladies all around, I be here. I can grill a mean steak, as I did learn from the Buccaneers when they landed in the Caribbean and learned to cook steaks, a skill they translated into a pirate invention known as the "tailgate party". For you history buffs out there, the term tailgate party comes directly from pirate ships of yore.

Aye, t'isnt true. I made it all up. But I can still grill a mean steak. I don't remember what I was supposed to write about here, something special going on today but I simply cannot recall. Maybe it's the grog talking, but this log seems to be getting rather full. I shant write anymore, however this evening I might need to sing some sea shantys and go find some ninjas to make them walk the plank.

I hope to read some more stories from those landlubbin ninjas later on. If I remember any of my other stories, I will write them in the log for another day. In the meantime, please tell your fellow pirates (and even ninjas) on this day to read these stories and wish everyone a happy...now what the hell was today again? YARRR!!!

The Ultimate Ninja Master

2007-08-29T10:45:00.001-04:00

This story is awesome. It is a story about a story an awesome ninja master, who no one knows his name. Legend has it that he killed a total of eleventy billion pirates in his lifetime, and that's a conservative estimate. By the age of 0 he did his first dropkick, which instantly killed his parents and made him an orphan. He decided right then and there that he would use his awesome skills to do good, and by good I mean kill stuff. And kill stuff he did. Pirates everywhere began to fear him for his awesome and deadly ways. Even other ninjas didn't mess with him because he could flip out at any time and kill them too, it was sheer insanity.

Anyways, one day he decided to start a dojo, and it would be the greatest dojo of all time, where he would hand pick the best ninjas from around the world to train into elite an Ninja Squad. This group of ninjas was the sickest, baddest, most mint group of ninjas... ever. All they did was train, kill stuff, and then train some more. They never slept, and they ate only once a day... when they devoured maple cheddar breakfast sandwiches in insane quantities. It didn't give them any special abilities, but it did enhance the already incredible abilities they had, which is pretty unbelievable if you ask me.

So one day, the Ninja master came into the dojo and had this really concerned look on his face. This surprised the Ninja Squad, because they had never seen him like this before. Whenever he would get pissed, he would just kill something and he would feel better instantly. One of the younger ninjas gathered the courage to ask him what was wrong, which was a bad idea, because the master did a running drop kick so hard he went right through the dude, instantly killing him.
He got off, brushed himself off and said "let that be a lesson for all of you that I am really pissed, and when I get pissed I don't like to be messed with". Then he said "the reason I have come to you is because we are all in serious trouble. And by all of us, I mean you guys, because I am never in trouble. Anyways, I just got word that there is a hippie concert going on not too far from here. For those of you who don't know, hippies suck. Not only do they suck, but they also smell bad.... REALLY bad. The problem wouldn't be that big of a deal except for the fact that a) they are really annoying and b) their increasing numbers are causing their smell to spread all over the planet and deplete the ozone. In fact, these hippies are the REAL reason for global warming, and they must be stopped. How ironic?"

All the ninjas looked around at each other in horror. One of them asked "what can we do about it?". The Ninja master replied, "you mean, what am I going to do, because you guys pretty much suck, and besides, the smell will definately kill you... it's that bad". The ninjas replied in unison "we will die together then!" (this story is dragging on way too long)

So they all go to the concert, start destroying stuff big time, but the smell was ridiculous. Half the ninjas died right away, and if I explained how they died it might cause you to lose control. The hippies didn't even have to do anything, the smell just killed everything in its path. But this made the Master wicked pissed off, and he decided to have the ninjas do a ridiculous move that never been done before.... the flying ninja foot of Death. The group jumped up and formed a giant foot which did a GIANT roundhouse kick to every hippie's head. It was the most mint move ever done, and was so awesome, it got rid of the smell entirely. In fact, all the hippies instantly turned into gold and babes, which all the nearby pirates stole immediately (stupid pirates). As to all the ninjas, they had done the most incredible move of all time (flying ninja foot of Death) which by sheer coincidence, killed THEM and not the hippies. It was all a moot point anyways, because they wouldn't have been able to handle the awesomeness. But the Ninja master did not die, no, in fact he used the opportunity to do the sick guitar solo from Jimi Hendrix's "Purple Haze" to perfection, and the lasting effects of this incredible music cannot be measured.

No one ever recalled what happened that day, the day the world was saved by this amazing ninja. But how did this story live on? I don't know... but the legend of the Ninja Master continues.

p.s. the Ninja Master's name is none other than Chuck Norris.

Mourning.

2007-08-15T20:08:00.000-04:00

Take a good long look, ninjas.

(As described by the good people at dunkindonuts.com)

"Sweet maple and real cheddar cheese.Made with scrambled egg, maple sausage and cheddar cheese served on a freshly baked croissant - this breakfast sandwich provides a surprisingly sweet flavor combination. But hurry - Maple Cheddar is around for a limited time only!"

Correction: NOT AVAILABLE. YOU CANNOT PURCHASE THIS SANDWICH. THEREFORE BY THE TRANSITIVE PROPERTY YOU MAY NOT EAT THIS SCRUMPTIOUS EGG SANDWICH. I KNOW AT LEAST 2 NINJAS THAT WOULD DO A TRIPLE FLIP DROP KICK TO BILL GATES IF HE COULD SOMEHOW BUY THIS SANDWICH. NO COMBINATION OF GOLD, BABES AND NINJA ATTACKS WILL EVER BRING THIS SANDWICH BACK. IT HAS STOLEN YOUR HEART AND SOUL. THE MAPLE CHEDDAR BREAKFAST SANDWICH WAS THE GREATEST INVENTION EVER CREATED BY PIRATES BECAUSE IT BRINGS THE NINJAS FIRST MELTY CHEESY MAPLEY GOODNESS AND LEAVES THEM WITH SADNESS AND PAIN. LOOK AT THE PICTURE, YOU WILL NEVER EAT ONE AGAIN.

This post was created solely to make ninjas hungry and sad.

THE DAY I LOST CONTROL

2007-08-15T12:14:00.000-04:00

So yesterday, I was practicing my roundhouse kicks outside my house in a random parking lot. I was wearing all black, wearing a mask, looking inconspicuous and everything. And all of the sudden, these pirates come out of nowhere, and there were 9 or 10 of them. But they weren’t regular pirates; they were midget ones with midget swords and midget hats and everything, they looked rough. They surround me and are like “so Ninja-boy, what are you doing?” and I’m like “what the crap does it look like? I’m practicing my roundhouses!” and they were like “why?” and I’m like “to kill people”. This made them shudder; I don’t think they had ever come so close to a ninja before. Then their leader was like “hey, do you want to grab a beer or something?” and I said to them “um, don’t you guys know that ninjas and pirates totally hate each other? Besides, you guys totally smell bad”. They nodded and then they told me that they weren’t even real pirates, they were just some retired midgets that were randomly wearing some ugly pirate costumes because they got totally hammered the night before and thought it would look cool. And I said, “That’s kind of lame…..hey I know of a good bar down the street” and we proceeded to party hard and kicked the crap out of everyone at the bar, it was awesome. And then after a few hours they were like “ninjas and pirates should totally hang out more” and I said “yeah….” And then I flipped out and did one HUGE roundhouse kick that hit every one of their heads. The whole bar exploded and I vanished into thin air. Then I randomly ended up somewhere in Wisconsin and got really pissed because Wisconsin totally sucks, and I had to give Brett Favre a flying close-line to the face. He was like “Whoa! Hey! What the crap was that??!!” And I told him “Dude, the Packers really suck”. That was the day I lost control.

The END

p.s. after that tremendous day, ninjas and pirates totally never sat around and drank beer together again. I think pirates finally learned their lesson. And the Packers are still totally lame.

In the beginning...

2007-08-08T22:44:00.000-04:00

I often sit and wonder how it all began. Everyone has their theories but I suppose we'll never truly know. However, there is one thing I am quite certain about. Pirates totally rock. Some people would completely disagree with this statement. Some people hold to the belief that pirates do not totally rock, people who will fight in the picket lines, people who fight by not supporting organizations that favor pirates, people who use violent measures to achieve their goals. Truly despicable individuals, hell-bent on supporting their cause no matter how radical it is, completely disregarding all things sacred, pure and true. These people are called ninjas.

It all started as a joke. It will certainly end that way too. Nevertheless, I have found that the majority of the people I have encountered through my travels have characteristics that coincide with those of a pirate or a ninja. Almost anyone that has any experience reading books, watching movies or playing those damn video games will tell you that a ninja and a pirate each have rather distinctive traits. Here is a story, possibly real, possibly an utter fabrication, of the day that I discovered that it was a pirate's life for me:

THE BIRTH OF 200% AWESOME

One sunny afternoon a long long time ago in a land far far away there was a guy who was totally awesome at street hockey. This guy's mom is French Canadian and if you didn't know about their street hockey, French Canadians are only the greatest street hockey players ever known in the whole world. One time I scored the sickest goals on this one other kid, then I scored like 12 more sick goals, he had no idea what was going on. Point is, people knew me, and I was kind of a big deal.

I guess now you have figured out that this legendary street hockey guy is me. One day I went to the place to play street hockey and there weren't any other kids. I thought to myself "This is the perfect time to work on some new tricks". So I worked on some new tricks. After this one trick where I faked out the goalie (imaginary, not real) so bad that I actually faked myself out (don't worry, I still scored the goal), I heard a song. I couldn't really make it out so I stopped skating around and listened.

DUN. DA DA DUN. DA DA DUN [REST REST]

NEER NEER NEER NE-NEER DA TA LA DUN.

DA DA DUN. DA DA DUN [REST] DA-DUN, DA-DUN DA-DUN DA-DUNN

Back in black. AC-DC. Rock.

So I immediately got back to skating and I came up with this move where I spun around with the puck between my skates, kicked the puck and then ripped the nastiest slapshot. I called it Back in Black. After a few times of mastering this maneuver, I yelled BACK IN BLACK! And immediately as I said that, I saw a ninja jump out of a tree. I said "Are you serious"? Three more ninjas jumped out. I asked them "Do you fellas wanna play some street hockey" and they all nodded "No". This might be the worst story I've ever told.

Let me wrap it up like this. I said "Hey ninjas, if you're looking for trouble, you guys need to put skates on and bring it on". That was probably the dumbest thing I could have possibly said. Why, as a reader, you might ask? Umm, only cuz these four ninjas were by far the speediest skaters I have ever seen in all of street hockey. Now I'll be the first to admit, I am not a fantastic skater. My stickhandling and slapshot ability is second to none. These guys were crazy, they were one man short of a flying V and coming right at me. I stood my ground but they turned away at the last second. I was definitely intimidated.

The weirdest thing happened right then and there. I started feeling a little bit different. I was scared and yet very calm. I somehow knew exactly what to do. At this point the ninjas were pretty much dominating in skating. It was cool like street hockey skating but also a little bit like men's or possibly couple's figure skating. I don't know what they call it when a man and a woman figure skate together but it definitely looked like that was happening. I skated over to my car and took my skates off. I had so much gear in the back of my car that day, it was my 1993 Buick Lesabre Custom Edition with fake leather seats, power windows, power locks, cruise control, so much leg room, totally in your face stereo system and everything else that a 65 year old man could possibly need in a large and luxurious automobile. I got in the driver's seat and put the key in the ignition. The engine roared, I felt like I was in a boat. I said to myself, "It's the Lesabre, le bateau. The boat". The pirate ship.

In one powerful stomp, I put the pedal to the metal and cruised onto the street hockey rink. While the ninjas were busy ice dancing on pavement, they looked to see an enormous dark cloud coming towards them. Le bateau was a glorious white when it was clean, today was not one of those glorious days. Without getting too graphic, the ninjas, well, lost control of themselves. They all ran away very embarrassed.

Nobody got hurt that day but I learned a valuable lesson. When you are in a situation that requires you to rise above and take it to the next level, it's much better to get in your pirate ship and take care of business than prance around on rollerblades in a ninja costume.

I win.

THE END

I don't remember what happened the rest of that day, pretty sure I went to White Hen Pantry and got myself a watermelon Slush Puppie, possibly some type of Snapple beverage, strawberry lemonade, you get the idea. Ever since that day, I have learned that whenever I handle a situation like a ninja would, things go bad. Whenever I handle a situation like a pirate would, things end up totally awesome. Now I told this story to a person who likes ninjas. I actually suspected this person was a ninja. I understood that ninjas think in a different way than pirates, so I asked him, "Hey do you want to write a blog together" and he said "yeah". I'm pretty sure he wrote a story about ninjas after that.

This blog will make you say "Hey that's pretty funny". This blog will make you say "These guys...SUCK". All I can really tell you is that this blog is: 200% Awesome.

Awesome Day (aka my side of the story)

2007-08-08T22:00:00.000-04:00

The other side of the story

So one day, I was driving with my ninja homies, just kind of chilling. We do that sometimes, when we aren’t killing people and practicing our sweet ninja moves. In the background, “Back and Black” by AC/DC is blasting out of our sweet sound system. People everywhere are flipping out, mostly because they can’t handle the excellence of what they are seeing or hearing. The sight, the sound…. it’s incredible!

Anyways, so we are all wearing our ninja gear and various ninja paraphernalia; swords, bow staffs, ninja stars… it’s awesome. And we are totally ready to rock in an incredible way, which means we are ready to kill. And if we are really lucky, we might spot a pirate because ninjas instantly get super pumped when they are cracking pirate skulls; it’s one of the laws of the universe or some kind of crap like that.

Anyways, so we drive by this park and we spot this goofy kid who thinks he is playing hockey and he thinks that he is really good at it, but he really sucks. And one of my friends makes the comment “wow that guy….. sucks”. It was true. I think to myself, “This guy must be a pirate” which gets me really amped up. The way that he was clumsily running around like a drunken idiot and shouting swear words at the top of his lungs definitely gave his piracy nature away. Anyways, so he just all the sudden blurts out something about “back and black!”, which he heard from our sound system. This got us super pissed off because that is the ninja theme song and cannot be mention by any other type of person, especially pirates without some kind of ridiculous retribution.
We surround the pirate while doing all sorts of sweet ninja moves that would rock the socks off of the average person. He is shaking so hard from the awesomeness of what he was seeing and tries to make a run for it. We tried to follow him but the smell was so bad that we could barely stand up; that must be a secret pirate weapon or something.

Then, ran as hard as he could (which was pretty slow because of his awkward drunken nature) to his car, which was a piece of crap Buick LeSabre. The thing was so crappy that it almost imploded on him when he hopped in. Part of me felt sorry for this poor, dirty pirate. Maybe it was a change in my heart, maybe I was finding Jesus…. Or maybe it was just gas, I don’t know. But as he pulled off I forgot about all that crap and plugged in my Gibson Les Paul and ripped the sickest guitar solo ever played. The whole world listened as I played that beautiful piece of music and pirates everywhere crapped their pants like really bad, and ninjas started to get pumped up as never before seen. It was the day I call “Awesome Day”. That was the beginning of when I knew, like for sure…. 200% sure in fact, that I was the greatest ninja ever.

The End.