-Posted by N. Master, Sr. Correspondant for The Ninja Times
March 5, 2008
This article is awesome. Why? Well first, because I wrote it. Second, because it’s on this site. And mostly, because it’s about something no one has reported on before, and that is on the affiliations of all the major candidates running for President of the United States of America. See, every person is either a Pirate, Ninja, or Hippie. They can also be a redneck, but I’m pretty sure that only happens when people inbreed. Rednecks should never be elected to high offices, but it happens. In any case, I wanted to inform you of the implications of the stances of each of the candidates, not so much on issues like immigration or taxes or on the war or healthcare, but things like who has the best nun chuck skills. Or who can drink a whole bottle of rum and still be able to make a pile of stolen gold and babes into a pyramid. Stuff like that. Aren’t you so glad you’re reading this? Yeah, you are. So anyways, I got to talk to Senators Clinton, Obama, and McCain. IT was awesome. And you will find out who is what, and what they will do if elected President.
I first asked Ninja-Senator Barack (if you say his middle name he’ll pile drive you into an erupting volcano- trust me, I know from experience) Obama what the first thing he would do once elected as President. “Oh that’s a friggin easy one. First, I would throw a ninja star real hard. So hard that it would travel into outer space and land somewhere in Pakistan or Afghanistan and kill Osama Bin Laden. That’s how sweet my ninja star skills are. And then I’ll do a sick guitar solo, lasting approximately three days and people can come party at the oval office. It’ll be the sweetest party of all time”
When asked about how he views chuck Norris, Obama answered “I have great respect and admiration for Mr. Norris. And although we don’t agree on all things, we share a common goal, and that is to be the greatest ninjas ever… and also to destroy stuff, especially hippies everywhere. It’s because of this that I plan on making Chuck Norris my Secretary of Roundhouse Kicks and Hippie Affairs. Together, we will roundhouse kick North Korea, and then Iran, which will lead to World Peace. Afterwards we’ll eat some delicious nachos.”
I first asked Ninja-Senator Barack (if you say his middle name he’ll pile drive you into an erupting volcano- trust me, I know from experience) Obama what the first thing he would do once elected as President. “Oh that’s a friggin easy one. First, I would throw a ninja star real hard. So hard that it would travel into outer space and land somewhere in Pakistan or Afghanistan and kill Osama Bin Laden. That’s how sweet my ninja star skills are. And then I’ll do a sick guitar solo, lasting approximately three days and people can come party at the oval office. It’ll be the sweetest party of all time”
When asked about how he views chuck Norris, Obama answered “I have great respect and admiration for Mr. Norris. And although we don’t agree on all things, we share a common goal, and that is to be the greatest ninjas ever… and also to destroy stuff, especially hippies everywhere. It’s because of this that I plan on making Chuck Norris my Secretary of Roundhouse Kicks and Hippie Affairs. Together, we will roundhouse kick North Korea, and then Iran, which will lead to World Peace. Afterwards we’ll eat some delicious nachos.”
But before Obama can even start thinking about the White House, he must first beat out the Super Hippie candidate, Mrs. Hillary Clinton. I asked Clinton about Senator Obama, and her plan on beating him to secure the nomination, to which she responded “hey, do you have any more Spicy Nacho Doritos?”. When I said, no, she told me that it was her primary objective to give every American as much Spicy Nacho Doritos as they wanted. She then proceeded to dance around like an idiot for several hours to some hippie music. I’m pretty sure she had no idea where she was or what she was doing. Hippies do that most of the time, or so I am told.
John McCain, the Pirate candidate, seemed to be very confident in his ability to win the Presidency. When asked how his policies differ from both Obama and Clinton’s, he responded “the problem we have is that we are losing all our gold and babes. It’s all going to China, and the Chinese are having ridiculous parties because they steal our gold, and then our babes, and then they just party REAL hard. They are better pirates than us, because they like educate their people to be pirates, it’s crazy. Obama can talk all he wants about roundhouse kicking the North Koreans, and Clinton can give us all the Spicy Nacho Doritos that Americans clearly crave, but come on people! We NEED gold and babes! It’s what makes America great, that and Bon Jovi’s breakthrough album “Slippery When Wet”. I could rock out to that like all day while drinking some sweet rum. Aw yeah dude. What were we talking about again?”
So there you have it. If you read this whole story, then you are completely (at LEAST 200%) better educated on the candidates than you were before. And you have all the info you need to make your decision when it comes time to vote for whatever Ninja, Pirate, or Hippie you choose. And if you feel differently you can get the heck off this site, because you suck at life. Better luck not sucking elsewhere.
John McCain, the Pirate candidate, seemed to be very confident in his ability to win the Presidency. When asked how his policies differ from both Obama and Clinton’s, he responded “the problem we have is that we are losing all our gold and babes. It’s all going to China, and the Chinese are having ridiculous parties because they steal our gold, and then our babes, and then they just party REAL hard. They are better pirates than us, because they like educate their people to be pirates, it’s crazy. Obama can talk all he wants about roundhouse kicking the North Koreans, and Clinton can give us all the Spicy Nacho Doritos that Americans clearly crave, but come on people! We NEED gold and babes! It’s what makes America great, that and Bon Jovi’s breakthrough album “Slippery When Wet”. I could rock out to that like all day while drinking some sweet rum. Aw yeah dude. What were we talking about again?”
So there you have it. If you read this whole story, then you are completely (at LEAST 200%) better educated on the candidates than you were before. And you have all the info you need to make your decision when it comes time to vote for whatever Ninja, Pirate, or Hippie you choose. And if you feel differently you can get the heck off this site, because you suck at life. Better luck not sucking elsewhere.
