Wednesday, August 29, 2007

The Ultimate Ninja Master

This story is awesome. It is a story about a story an awesome ninja master, who no one knows his name. Legend has it that he killed a total of eleventy billion pirates in his lifetime, and that's a conservative estimate. By the age of 0 he did his first dropkick, which instantly killed his parents and made him an orphan. He decided right then and there that he would use his awesome skills to do good, and by good I mean kill stuff. And kill stuff he did. Pirates everywhere began to fear him for his awesome and deadly ways. Even other ninjas didn't mess with him because he could flip out at any time and kill them too, it was sheer insanity.

Anyways, one day he decided to start a dojo, and it would be the greatest dojo of all time, where he would hand pick the best ninjas from around the world to train into elite an Ninja Squad. This group of ninjas was the sickest, baddest, most mint group of ninjas... ever. All they did was train, kill stuff, and then train some more. They never slept, and they ate only once a day... when they devoured maple cheddar breakfast sandwiches in insane quantities. It didn't give them any special abilities, but it did enhance the already incredible abilities they had, which is pretty unbelievable if you ask me.

So one day, the Ninja master came into the dojo and had this really concerned look on his face. This surprised the Ninja Squad, because they had never seen him like this before. Whenever he would get pissed, he would just kill something and he would feel better instantly. One of the younger ninjas gathered the courage to ask him what was wrong, which was a bad idea, because the master did a running drop kick so hard he went right through the dude, instantly killing him.
He got off, brushed himself off and said "let that be a lesson for all of you that I am really pissed, and when I get pissed I don't like to be messed with". Then he said "the reason I have come to you is because we are all in serious trouble. And by all of us, I mean you guys, because I am never in trouble. Anyways, I just got word that there is a hippie concert going on not too far from here. For those of you who don't know, hippies suck. Not only do they suck, but they also smell bad.... REALLY bad. The problem wouldn't be that big of a deal except for the fact that a) they are really annoying and b) their increasing numbers are causing their smell to spread all over the planet and deplete the ozone. In fact, these hippies are the REAL reason for global warming, and they must be stopped. How ironic?"

All the ninjas looked around at each other in horror. One of them asked "what can we do about it?". The Ninja master replied, "you mean, what am I going to do, because you guys pretty much suck, and besides, the smell will definately kill you... it's that bad". The ninjas replied in unison "we will die together then!" (this story is dragging on way too long)

So they all go to the concert, start destroying stuff big time, but the smell was ridiculous. Half the ninjas died right away, and if I explained how they died it might cause you to lose control. The hippies didn't even have to do anything, the smell just killed everything in its path. But this made the Master wicked pissed off, and he decided to have the ninjas do a ridiculous move that never been done before.... the flying ninja foot of Death. The group jumped up and formed a giant foot which did a GIANT roundhouse kick to every hippie's head. It was the most mint move ever done, and was so awesome, it got rid of the smell entirely. In fact, all the hippies instantly turned into gold and babes, which all the nearby pirates stole immediately (stupid pirates). As to all the ninjas, they had done the most incredible move of all time (flying ninja foot of Death) which by sheer coincidence, killed THEM and not the hippies. It was all a moot point anyways, because they wouldn't have been able to handle the awesomeness. But the Ninja master did not die, no, in fact he used the opportunity to do the sick guitar solo from Jimi Hendrix's "Purple Haze" to perfection, and the lasting effects of this incredible music cannot be measured.

No one ever recalled what happened that day, the day the world was saved by this amazing ninja. But how did this story live on? I don't know... but the legend of the Ninja Master continues.

p.s. the Ninja Master's name is none other than Chuck Norris.

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Mourning.



Take a good long look, ninjas.


(As described by the good people at dunkindonuts.com)



"Sweet maple and real cheddar cheese.Made with scrambled egg, maple sausage and cheddar cheese served on a freshly baked croissant - this breakfast sandwich provides a surprisingly sweet flavor combination. But hurry - Maple Cheddar is around for a limited time only!"




Correction: NOT AVAILABLE. YOU CANNOT PURCHASE THIS SANDWICH. THEREFORE BY THE TRANSITIVE PROPERTY YOU MAY NOT EAT THIS SCRUMPTIOUS EGG SANDWICH. I KNOW AT LEAST 2 NINJAS THAT WOULD DO A TRIPLE FLIP DROP KICK TO BILL GATES IF HE COULD SOMEHOW BUY THIS SANDWICH. NO COMBINATION OF GOLD, BABES AND NINJA ATTACKS WILL EVER BRING THIS SANDWICH BACK. IT HAS STOLEN YOUR HEART AND SOUL. THE MAPLE CHEDDAR BREAKFAST SANDWICH WAS THE GREATEST INVENTION EVER CREATED BY PIRATES BECAUSE IT BRINGS THE NINJAS FIRST MELTY CHEESY MAPLEY GOODNESS AND LEAVES THEM WITH SADNESS AND PAIN. LOOK AT THE PICTURE, YOU WILL NEVER EAT ONE AGAIN.


This post was created solely to make ninjas hungry and sad.

THE DAY I LOST CONTROL

So yesterday, I was practicing my roundhouse kicks outside my house in a random parking lot. I was wearing all black, wearing a mask, looking inconspicuous and everything. And all of the sudden, these pirates come out of nowhere, and there were 9 or 10 of them. But they weren’t regular pirates; they were midget ones with midget swords and midget hats and everything, they looked rough. They surround me and are like “so Ninja-boy, what are you doing?” and I’m like “what the crap does it look like? I’m practicing my roundhouses!” and they were like “why?” and I’m like “to kill people”. This made them shudder; I don’t think they had ever come so close to a ninja before. Then their leader was like “hey, do you want to grab a beer or something?” and I said to them “um, don’t you guys know that ninjas and pirates totally hate each other? Besides, you guys totally smell bad”. They nodded and then they told me that they weren’t even real pirates, they were just some retired midgets that were randomly wearing some ugly pirate costumes because they got totally hammered the night before and thought it would look cool. And I said, “That’s kind of lame…..hey I know of a good bar down the street” and we proceeded to party hard and kicked the crap out of everyone at the bar, it was awesome. And then after a few hours they were like “ninjas and pirates should totally hang out more” and I said “yeah….” And then I flipped out and did one HUGE roundhouse kick that hit every one of their heads. The whole bar exploded and I vanished into thin air. Then I randomly ended up somewhere in Wisconsin and got really pissed because Wisconsin totally sucks, and I had to give Brett Favre a flying close-line to the face. He was like “Whoa! Hey! What the crap was that??!!” And I told him “Dude, the Packers really suck”. That was the day I lost control.

The END

p.s. after that tremendous day, ninjas and pirates totally never sat around and drank beer together again. I think pirates finally learned their lesson. And the Packers are still totally lame.

Wednesday, August 8, 2007

In the beginning...

I often sit and wonder how it all began. Everyone has their theories but I suppose we'll never truly know. However, there is one thing I am quite certain about. Pirates totally rock. Some people would completely disagree with this statement. Some people hold to the belief that pirates do not totally rock, people who will fight in the picket lines, people who fight by not supporting organizations that favor pirates, people who use violent measures to achieve their goals. Truly despicable individuals, hell-bent on supporting their cause no matter how radical it is, completely disregarding all things sacred, pure and true. These people are called ninjas.

It all started as a joke. It will certainly end that way too. Nevertheless, I have found that the majority of the people I have encountered through my travels have characteristics that coincide with those of a pirate or a ninja. Almost anyone that has any experience reading books, watching movies or playing those damn video games will tell you that a ninja and a pirate each have rather distinctive traits. Here is a story, possibly real, possibly an utter fabrication, of the day that I discovered that it was a pirate's life for me:

THE BIRTH OF 200% AWESOME

One sunny afternoon a long long time ago in a land far far away there was a guy who was totally awesome at street hockey. This guy's mom is French Canadian and if you didn't know about their street hockey, French Canadians are only the greatest street hockey players ever known in the whole world. One time I scored the sickest goals on this one other kid, then I scored like 12 more sick goals, he had no idea what was going on. Point is, people knew me, and I was kind of a big deal.

I guess now you have figured out that this legendary street hockey guy is me. One day I went to the place to play street hockey and there weren't any other kids. I thought to myself "This is the perfect time to work on some new tricks". So I worked on some new tricks. After this one trick where I faked out the goalie (imaginary, not real) so bad that I actually faked myself out (don't worry, I still scored the goal), I heard a song. I couldn't really make it out so I stopped skating around and listened.

DUN. DA DA DUN. DA DA DUN [REST REST]

NEER NEER NEER NE-NEER DA TA LA DUN.

DA DA DUN. DA DA DUN [REST] DA-DUN, DA-DUN DA-DUN DA-DUNN

Back in black. AC-DC. Rock.

So I immediately got back to skating and I came up with this move where I spun around with the puck between my skates, kicked the puck and then ripped the nastiest slapshot. I called it Back in Black. After a few times of mastering this maneuver, I yelled BACK IN BLACK! And immediately as I said that, I saw a ninja jump out of a tree. I said "Are you serious"? Three more ninjas jumped out. I asked them "Do you fellas wanna play some street hockey" and they all nodded "No". This might be the worst story I've ever told.

Let me wrap it up like this. I said "Hey ninjas, if you're looking for trouble, you guys need to put skates on and bring it on". That was probably the dumbest thing I could have possibly said. Why, as a reader, you might ask? Umm, only cuz these four ninjas were by far the speediest skaters I have ever seen in all of street hockey. Now I'll be the first to admit, I am not a fantastic skater. My stickhandling and slapshot ability is second to none. These guys were crazy, they were one man short of a flying V and coming right at me. I stood my ground but they turned away at the last second. I was definitely intimidated.

The weirdest thing happened right then and there. I started feeling a little bit different. I was scared and yet very calm. I somehow knew exactly what to do. At this point the ninjas were pretty much dominating in skating. It was cool like street hockey skating but also a little bit like men's or possibly couple's figure skating. I don't know what they call it when a man and a woman figure skate together but it definitely looked like that was happening. I skated over to my car and took my skates off. I had so much gear in the back of my car that day, it was my 1993 Buick Lesabre Custom Edition with fake leather seats, power windows, power locks, cruise control, so much leg room, totally in your face stereo system and everything else that a 65 year old man could possibly need in a large and luxurious automobile. I got in the driver's seat and put the key in the ignition. The engine roared, I felt like I was in a boat. I said to myself, "It's the Lesabre, le bateau. The boat". The pirate ship.

In one powerful stomp, I put the pedal to the metal and cruised onto the street hockey rink. While the ninjas were busy ice dancing on pavement, they looked to see an enormous dark cloud coming towards them. Le bateau was a glorious white when it was clean, today was not one of those glorious days. Without getting too graphic, the ninjas, well, lost control of themselves. They all ran away very embarrassed.

Nobody got hurt that day but I learned a valuable lesson. When you are in a situation that requires you to rise above and take it to the next level, it's much better to get in your pirate ship and take care of business than prance around on rollerblades in a ninja costume.

I win.

THE END

I don't remember what happened the rest of that day, pretty sure I went to White Hen Pantry and got myself a watermelon Slush Puppie, possibly some type of Snapple beverage, strawberry lemonade, you get the idea. Ever since that day, I have learned that whenever I handle a situation like a ninja would, things go bad. Whenever I handle a situation like a pirate would, things end up totally awesome. Now I told this story to a person who likes ninjas. I actually suspected this person was a ninja. I understood that ninjas think in a different way than pirates, so I asked him, "Hey do you want to write a blog together" and he said "yeah". I'm pretty sure he wrote a story about ninjas after that.

This blog will make you say "Hey that's pretty funny". This blog will make you say "These guys...SUCK". All I can really tell you is that this blog is: 200% Awesome.

Awesome Day (aka my side of the story)

The other side of the story

So one day, I was driving with my ninja homies, just kind of chilling. We do that sometimes, when we aren’t killing people and practicing our sweet ninja moves. In the background, “Back and Black” by AC/DC is blasting out of our sweet sound system. People everywhere are flipping out, mostly because they can’t handle the excellence of what they are seeing or hearing. The sight, the sound…. it’s incredible!

Anyways, so we are all wearing our ninja gear and various ninja paraphernalia; swords, bow staffs, ninja stars… it’s awesome. And we are totally ready to rock in an incredible way, which means we are ready to kill. And if we are really lucky, we might spot a pirate because ninjas instantly get super pumped when they are cracking pirate skulls; it’s one of the laws of the universe or some kind of crap like that.

Anyways, so we drive by this park and we spot this goofy kid who thinks he is playing hockey and he thinks that he is really good at it, but he really sucks. And one of my friends makes the comment “wow that guy….. sucks”. It was true. I think to myself, “This guy must be a pirate” which gets me really amped up. The way that he was clumsily running around like a drunken idiot and shouting swear words at the top of his lungs definitely gave his piracy nature away. Anyways, so he just all the sudden blurts out something about “back and black!”, which he heard from our sound system. This got us super pissed off because that is the ninja theme song and cannot be mention by any other type of person, especially pirates without some kind of ridiculous retribution.
We surround the pirate while doing all sorts of sweet ninja moves that would rock the socks off of the average person. He is shaking so hard from the awesomeness of what he was seeing and tries to make a run for it. We tried to follow him but the smell was so bad that we could barely stand up; that must be a secret pirate weapon or something.

Then, ran as hard as he could (which was pretty slow because of his awkward drunken nature) to his car, which was a piece of crap Buick LeSabre. The thing was so crappy that it almost imploded on him when he hopped in. Part of me felt sorry for this poor, dirty pirate. Maybe it was a change in my heart, maybe I was finding Jesus…. Or maybe it was just gas, I don’t know. But as he pulled off I forgot about all that crap and plugged in my Gibson Les Paul and ripped the sickest guitar solo ever played. The whole world listened as I played that beautiful piece of music and pirates everywhere crapped their pants like really bad, and ninjas started to get pumped up as never before seen. It was the day I call “Awesome Day”. That was the beginning of when I knew, like for sure…. 200% sure in fact, that I was the greatest ninja ever.

The End.

Who sucks more?

THIS GLOSSARY IS AWESOME

  • A
  • Awesome - everything on here is awesome, many other things are awesome, everything else sucks
  • B
  • Beast Mode - a spiritual and transcendental state of being, where you start to dominate at levels that cannot be recorded or even predicted. Things that may occur during Beast Mode include: death, destruction, total domination, logs found on top of fax machines, and much much more.
  • Blankday - when Blurnsday started to suck (and boy does it ever suck) it was renamed to Blankday. This is getting ridiculous. Anyways, it's probably going to get renamed into something equally as retarded next week. Stay tuned.
  • Blurnsday - formerly known as Tuesday, invented by Skippy and named by Archie to deny the existence of Tuesday
  • C
  • Celular - the name of our most awesome #1 fan.
  • D
  • Domination - one of the highest forms of winning
  • F
  • Final Jeopardy - when it's time not to give an answer, but ask the question...used often at 7:54pm on weeknights; sometimes closely related to laughing parties
  • H
  • Hippies - lamest form of life ever
  • L
  • Laughing party - Event that takes place when a ninja or pirate dude has an excellent, uh, sense of humor
  • N
  • Ninja- n., pl. ninja or -jas. A member of a class of 14th-century Japanese mercenary agents who were trained in the martial arts and hired for covert operations such as assassination and sabotage. They are known for their stealthiness and ability to flip out and kill people... besides that, they totally rock out hard, ripping guitar solos so sweet that it causes mass crapping of the pants. Their common enemy is the pirate.
  • T
  • Tuesday - something that sucks
  • Us...a couple of complete morons with computers. otherwise known as a terrible combination.